Duck continued...

 A long time ago I wrote about a memory of my pet duck...

Yesterday, I remembered more detail about that duck...

An over view:  After my mother had left the abuser, and later when I was 10 ish,  her then boyfriend, bought me, my sister and brother baby ducks for Easter.  

We kept the ducks in a detached garage.  But the ducks were very loud and people were complaining, so two of the ducks were taken away, I don't know where they went, maybe they were set free by water somewhere, I don't know, but the third duck, my duck, we kept because that duck couldn't quack...

One morning, a dog got into the garage and attacked the duck, we did not know because we could not hear the duck quacking...but when I went out, the duck was severely injured.  My moms, boyfriend, told us that we had to put the duck out of its misery.  My mom took my sister and brother in the house, but I stayed with the duck...

The boyfriend, took a knife and cut the ducks head off, the head fell to the ground but the beak kept moving, trying to quack, I will never get that image out of my head...

That was all I remembered, until yesterday.

A day or week or month after the duck was killed,  we were having dinner, some type of stew, and my mother told me that we were eating my duck....the boyfriend had butchered it, skinned it, whatever and my mom cooked it and fed it to us.

I don't know if I watched him skin and butcher the duck, I have no memory after seeing the ducks detached head quacking, then the dinner...

I understand that people eat duck...but did my mom have to let me know that we were eating my pet....OMG

She was being cruel, I was a child and we were eating my pet....just more bullshit from a bullshit life....

Anyway,  I am still trying to process this new memory, I do not know if I will remember the butchering and skinning...Did I stay and watch?  I have no fucking ideal, and frankly I don't want to know...

I literally hate remembering all this bullshit.  Why can't the alters just keep that fucking pile of shit memories to themselves?  

For me, working through trauma and memories, only upset me more, it does not help with the DID, it just gives me more sadness...

I am so fucking sad all the damn time....I should rename myself, "Sad Krupovage"...

S