DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE

 I am so fucking depressed right now...I can barely breath.  I feel like my whole life is about to explode....

My landlord is kicking out tenants to put in young single women...by doing this, the apartment where I live will no longer be a quiet safe place for me....already, there is fucking drama and so much traffic I can't even park in my own space half the time....they party and drive too fast for my area....it is making me sick at my stomach....

I am no longer safe...I don't know all these young people, I don't party, I cannot even leave my apartment for fear they will break in and steal or destroy something....I am so afraid with their fast careless driving down the driveway, that they will run over a squirrel or raccoon or hit a deer in my complex area...

Kevin has talked with the Landlord, and he says He will never ask me to leave, but he is chasing me out anyway....he is fucking the new little girl he evicted my downstairs neighbor for, and is moving her in...already fucking drama there.....having my landlord here all the fucking time now is just like having your parents living with you.....and these people have no respect for anything...they leave trash, cigarette butts and all kinds of shit everywhere...I will not be the den mother and clean up after a bunch of slob selfish fucking single idiots.

Now he is kicking out my neighbor I share the top floor with...he wants to put in another fucking young single woman....even though Kevin has told him over and over he wants to move in here...that way he can take care of me...but the landlord seems to only want young single women here....this is not a fucking whorehouse...this is in a respectable quiet affluent neighborhood and the landlord is making it a fucking drug zone.....

Then, Kevin and I are growing apart....our relationship is changing to just a fucking guardianship...and a Video channel....

THIS IS MY LIFE

My life has always fucking been this way...

Promises made, security given, safety given...then yanked out from under me.   No wonder 7 tries so hard to change my heart...they know the pattern of my life....they know what is coming....they are so much smarter than me...

Stupid me, so fucking vulnerable and desperate for a normal life that I will FUCKING NEVER HAVE.  I believe promises that are made to me, I believe people are sincere, when really they are just giving lip service.

I try so hard to trust and give myself to others...and I am only slapped in the face and disregarded like a dirty rag.

I left Oklahoma because of all the broken promises, the lies and manipulation,  the non-safety of being around my mother, I left so I could find happiness and safety...to finally be able to live for myself, or rather our fucking selves.....I thought I had finally found that place...I was wrong...I am always wrong...

I should have known that there is "NO GODDAMN FUCKING SAFETY ANYWHERE FOR ME...THERE IS NO TRUE FUCKING FRIENDSHIPS, EVERYBODY LIES AND MANIPULATES FOR THEIR OWN SELFISH NEEDS...NO BODY KEEPS THEIR WORD ANYMORE...ITS ALL LIES...

I AM SO FUCKING ALONE, I AM SO UNSAFE, I AM SO UNHAPPY, I AM SO DISCOURAGED,  I AM SICK OF TRYING TO LIVE....

YOU WOULD THINK AFTER 60 FUCKING YEARS I WOULD GET IT THROUGH MY MANY FUCKING BRAINS THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE.  

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE...

S. 7, sophee