The Oddball

 I am not sure why I continuously try to be accepted and fit into places, crowds, events whatever..No matter how inviting and accepting others are, I am not accepting of myself, and this causes me to second guess the thoughts and actions of others.  

This is the core issue of my self-esteem and insecurities.  I have always felt "out of place", "like I really don't belong", "no real talents or gifts", "that people talk about me behind my back", "scared of friendships", "not really loved".

This is a direct result of my childhood.  But I am no longer a child, so why can't I grow up in my head?  Why do I always doubt myself, my abilities, my mind?  I have never felt important of worthy...I have always felt left out, or on the fringe of society.

Yesterday, at a Jeep meet and greet, I had to go alone, as Kevin worked.  There were over 20 jeeps there and lots of fellow jeepers.  Everyone seemed to know everyone else, I knew no one...I was the odd woman out.  I basically stood around, by myself and tried to look like a part of the group by checking out all the other jeeps.  I talked with a few people, but as a rule, I was alone.

One lady, who did not mean anything hurtful, asked which jeep was mine...I pointed to the only cherokee in the group.  She said "awe, you are the oddball"....I laughed, and I am sure she meant nothing by it, but...I am an ODDBALL...LITTLE DID SHE REALLY KNOW!

Her comment, is so true.  I am the oddball, everywhere I go, everything I do, everything I say or think, are all odd.  Why?  because I have 8 personalities that are conflicting in feelings, ideals, emotions, abilities, styles, everything...I am very odd...especially to people who do not know me, I look and act like a freak...

I am so afraid of people...when I am alone in a crowd of people I do not know, I tend to isolate, and stand off to the side...I know that I might appear snobbish or "too good for everyone", but that is the farthest thing from the truth.  I am extremely shy, and extremely non-confident in myself.  I am always fearful that I will make a fool of myself, or I won't be liked or included...most of these feelings are only in my head, and I think most people don't think that way about me, but it doesn't matter, because that is how I think of me....

Put me on a stage with a microphone in front of hundreds of people, and I am outgoing, funny and gregarious...I hide behind the mic...but take me off the stage, take away my microphone, and throw me in the middle of all the people, and I become introverted and scared...fearful of being discovered for who I really am.

And who am I really?  I am Ally, I am Lilly, I am Sophee, I am Tessa, I am SAmmy, I am Kaos, I am 7, I am Sparrow.   I am not one person, I am a fucking herd of personalities crammed into my brain....I will never feel confident in myself again...finding out I have DID, shattered what little confidence I had had in myself, I didn't know, and not knowing spared my heart, spared my mind....now my heart is shattered, my brain is shattered and I am "nobody"...

I live in a constant state fucking fear...what will my family think, what will my friends think, what will strangers think?  Will I loose my fucking drivers license (because some of my alters drive)?  fuck.

I wish I was confident.  I wish I was sure of myself and my abilities, I wish I could accept myself...but that will never happen.  Never.  I cannot be accepted by others, because I do not accept myself.

I have become so dependent in Kevin to "watch" me, "watch" for them, in order to control me or them...I am becoming fearful of going anywhere and doing anything without him...I second guess every aspect of my life...

Another aspect of my life that alienates me from other people is my disbelief in God...my paganism...that is not socially acceptable and further separates me from others...Jeepers, as a rule are "good ole boys, god fearin, beer drinking whatever"...I am looked at as evil, for being pagan, for not believing in a god.  So, I am evil because I am not a christian, and I am evil for having DID (Hollywood portrays alters as evil)....I am evil for leaving my husband, and the church.

Maybe I am demon possessed...possessed by 7 demons, not personalities...DID is evil...it is not acceptable, recognized, or normal.  I am not normal.

I am a paranormal, evil, demon possessed, mentally ill, excuse for a person.  

I am definitely "THE ODDBALL" of society.

S, 7