talked to dad

 I have  been trying and trying to call my dad.  I leave voice messages and texts almost every day, yet he does not call me back....I realize it may have to do with his dementia.  

He finally called me last night.  We talked and he seemed "ok", yet he did not remember my birthday. (my mother also did not acknowledge my birthday) Which every year he sends me a card, but not this year.  Which is fine...then he said he could not figure out his phone, that it was a piece of junk...but he has had that phone for some time and before his hospitalization, he had no issues with the phone...again, I think it has to do with his dementia.  He wants to go and buy an old flip phone...which they don't even make anymore....sigh

He told me Suzy left, and that she was a big help around the house and with mom, but that he was glad she was gone.  I asked why? and he said she has a bad attitude and her and David do not get along...duh...Suzy is a raging bitch!  I guess it took dementia for him to realize this...

He also said that he was feeling "dizzy and tired" and in a "fog"...his body is healing fine, so I said "it's probably your allergies"..(he has horrible spring allergies there in OKC..but  he said "I have never had allergy problems before"...which, again, I guess is the dementia.

He said he misses hearing my voice...yet he does not call or answer his phone...it is so confusing for me...one day, he calls and seems pretty normal, then he doesn't call for weeks or text...and John says he is not doing that well...

John also said that dad drove in his car, by himself, across the city...that scares the shit out of me...what if he gets lost?  I told John that ya need to take away his car keys...but I don't think anyone will do that until he does get lost, or has a car accident...sigh...I see a "Silver alert" in his future.

I got four birthday cards, 3 gifts, plus from Kevin...and over 38 happy birthdays on facebook...all from friends only...no family.  My kids sent a happy birthday text...no cards, no phone calls, just a quick Happy birthday.   None of my grandkids called to tell me happy birthday...again, I am a non-person in my family...

Talk about feeling rejection...fuck...I think I am going to stop sending birthday cards, christmas cards, halloween cards and valentines day cards to my kids and grandkids...they don't give a shit anyway...unless there is money tucked in the cards....fuck...I am done, wasting my time and money on trying to stay in touch with my kids....they have my phone number and they know where I live...if they want to talk with me, then its on them now...I am tired of being the one to reach out to them all the damn time.  The phone along with the highway goes both ways...

Sigh....I was born alone, and I will die alone (except for Kevin)...Kevin is in the same boat as me as far as his family and kids are concerned, so he understands my feeling of rejection and loneliness...its just me and Kevin now.  He is all I need.  He loves me, he needs me, he wants me..nobody has ever wanted, loved or needed me the way he does.  

I think the universe knew where my life was headed, where his life was headed, and the universe knew that Kevin and I should be together, and we are, after over 40 yrs.  I am so grateful I have Kevin.

But every single day, I am so afraid that he will not want me anymore, that I will piss him off, or that I am "too much" for him (with the alters and all) or that my OCD will drive him away, or my neediness for attention and affection will overwhelm him.   I have been told many times over my life, "I love you"...but those were empty words...maybe people "needed me", but only for their purpose or desires or wants...I was nothing more than a housekeeper, babysitter, car loaner, money hander outer....now that I am gone, all those perks are gone and I have been ousted....fuck that.  

You know, is it too much to ask for for at least one of my kids to thank me for being their mother, for loving them, guiding them and supporting them in their life?  I was a good mom, Tessa was a good mom,  I was nothing like my own mother...I loved my kids...but it was not enough for them....my love is never enough.

One day, I fear, my love will not even be enough for Kevin...I can feel at times my heart trying to get hard and cold in regards to Kevin,  I will get thoughts "you don't love him, he gets on your nerves" etc...and I know that is 7 putting those thoughts and trying to stir my heart away from Kevin.  7 knows that IF Kevin ever LEFT me, my heart would be crushed to a million pieces....7 even still, tries to distance me from him...I hate that.  I hate how at times, I feel that my alters are trying to control me to the point that I have no thoughts or personality that are my own...its all them.

I am all over the map, all the fucking time....

Now I am trying to be the good daughter with my dad...the dad that lied to me, and shut me up all those years ago...yet I still love him...but again, my love is being pushed out the door this time by dementia and family...

When will I stop trying to be a people pleaser?  When is enough, enough?

S, Tessa