"Okay" means "surviving"

 So I finally got to talk with my dad...he seemed really upbeat and lucid for the most part...only he kept calling me "Missy"...I have not been called missy since high school...he seems to think I am still in high school...sigh...

He is home now from the rehab center.  My fuck wad sister is staying there with him for a short time, he also has home health care and my brother is there also.  I do not need to be there.

Another reason I do not need to be there is they do not want me there...

They only want me when they need something...not because they love and miss me...they only miss all the shit I use to do for everybody..not me myself, as a sister, wife, mother, daughter whatever...I will not allow myself to be used and abused again....not ever.

My kids, are tentatively coming back around to talking to me...the longer I am away, the more they realize I am not coming back, so they are starting to grow up and mature in their thinking of me....good.

Still,  the thing that will back them off, and back them off for good is when they find out about my DID...will they research the disorder?  Will they understand?  Will they try and understand?  Their dad knows about the DID, our videos, and he still refuses to believe the disorder..he thinks praying about it will cure me....well 50+ years of praying hasn't done jack shit.  And, it never will.

Its too late to talk to my parents about the abuse...they are both showing signs of dementia and Alzheimer's now, it would be just fucking cruel on my part to approach them now....and I am not a cruel person...not like them...so I now have to "eat" my diagnosis...and accept the fact that I will never be validated, my abuse claims will never be validated, my memories will never be validated, my life will never be validated, and that is sad.  Not only for me, but for my alters as well...

I have to find a way to be okay with this...I have to find a way to live with the knowledge and facts in my head, the reality of my childhood, and the choices I have made.  It is not easy, in fact, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do....even harder than living with DID.  I have to keep my secrets,...and secrets keep you sick!  

I have so many fucking secrets...things I simply could never say or even blog about and that is because those secrets and memories are blocked...or I am just too ashamed to voice them.  

Finding a way to be okay is "finding a way to survive".

Being "okay" means "surviving".

s, Tessa