Why can't I sleep like a fucking normal person????
I simply cannot shut off my mind...it runs a thousand miles an hour...I have tried fucking everything to sleep...
melatonin, sleeping pills(which my mind powers through), magnesium, meditation, black out curtains, ear plugs, white noise, you name it, I have tried it and my head just says "fuck you for trying"...
the only thing that shuts my head off so I can sleep is Xanax. I hate taking that...it is a narcotic and can be addicting...I do not want to become dependent on Xanax to sleep...I want to sleep like a normal person, like Kevin...he lays down and boom, he is out....fuck, my X husband was the same way...why is it that men can sleep, yet I cannot???
Even when I do sleep, it is never the deep RIM sleep that is essential for the body...I just dose in a twilight sleep, still fully aware of every noise, every light, every movement...never quite asleep...
If I take a Xanax I will sleep deep and good for about 3-4 hours, then I am wide awake again...but fuck, the Xanax puts me out, so I can at least get that much good deep sleep...but I need 7-8 hours...
By 6 pm at night, I am so tired, my body is fucking tired and all I can think about it going to sleep...I stay up as late as I can, usually by 7:30-8:00 pm, I can't stay awake...so I go to bed...I do my routine to go to sleep...I lay there, I focus on the white noise (which is 8 hours of rain in Korea on Youtube) it is soothing and I will find myself drifting, but its to the twilight zone...never the fucking sleep zone...I will doze for an hour or so, then awake, thinking, my mind is alway fucking thinking...that is my night, every fucking night, doze, awake, doze, awake..by 5-6 am I get up, because I am fucking wide awake...
WHY WON'T MY FUCKING IDIOT BRAIN SLEEP?????
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????
IS IT THOSE FUCKING ALTERS KEEPING ME UP????
IS INSOMNIA BUILT INTO MY BRAIN FOR PROTECTION???
I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SLEEP...SLEEP ...SLEEP...
Sometimes I get so aggravated with not sleeping I will take a gabapentin, and whatever I can find to knock myself out...I always worry in the back of mind if I am going to OD in my sleep...but most nights I just fucking don't care...I want to sleep...
I feel like I am being punished by the universe...the universe just flat took the sleep factor out of my life...WHY????
Everything in my life is good and safe...I am happy. I am content, so why can't I sleep? What in the fucking world am I suppose to do to be able to sleep?
FUCK FUCK FUCK
S, sophee, Tessa
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