Easter

 Today is Easter sunday, the christian holiday.   I woke up feeling so out of it, kinda depressed, but more like just sad....

Why would I be feeling sad?  Maybe its because I will miss hiding easter eggs for my grandkids and watching their excitement as they hunt for the eggs...I use to buy easter baskets for my kids and grandkids,  I would cook easter dinner...it was a whole thing....I miss that, or maybe Tessa misses that...I am not sure...I am not sure how much of Easter festivities were Tessa or me....

I cannot remember as a small child, if I ever hunted easter eggs, or if I ever got an easter basket.  Maybe when I would be staying with my father, if it was easter, he would have gotten me a basket, but I have no memory of that or ever having an easter basket as a young child.

I do remember when my kids were little, that they would get new clothes for easter sunday, to wear to church, then they would get their easter baskets after...it was a full day of pictures and fun.  

Did I ever get new easter clothes as a child?  Probably not, I have no memory of that...my childhood is so closed off to me...I seem to only be able to remember the traumas that spawned the alters,  why do I always remember the bad things...surely there were good things in my childhood too....even being with my daddy was a good thing, but I always had to leave and go back to the abusers, so I would always dread having to leave my daddy...Why couldn't he have seen how anxious I was to have to go back to my mother....did he turn a blind eye to the abuse?  Why didn't I say anything to him when I was a child?  Why did my child brain have to protect my abusers?????

What was Easter like when I was young, did my sister and brother get baskets and new clothes?  I have no fucking ideal...its a blank.

I feel strangely jealous or envious of little kiddos and easter, their baskets, their hunting eggs, their new clothes, all of it....maybe Ally wants an easter basket, maybe Ally wants to hunt eggs and get new clothes...I don't know....I just fucking don't know...she has never said anything to Kevin about easter...so why is today so hard?

Kevin asked me to sit down and start blogging...so here I am, blogging and nothing is coming to me as to why I am somewhat depressed and sad...I don't think it has anything to do with the "bunny" that was my pet....I think it has to do with the fact that as a little girl, I never got to do the fun things like other children.   

For all the religious hoopla over Easter, Easter is really a childs holiday....and has nothing to do with Jesus....its all about candy, clothes, baskets and fellowship...

Being raised the way I was raised,  I never got to know the full joy of childrens holidays...like Easter, and Christmas...

I have no pictures of easter stuff as a child,  and without pictures I just don't know what I have done, when I have done it and who was with me...its all a blank.

So, this blog did not produce anything...in fact, I feel more depressed and sad after writing all this.....fuck.

I do remember one easter, after my mother left the abuser, that her then boyfriend bought me, my sister and brother, baby ducks...only they were given away because of their noisy quacking...one duck could not quack, so we kept that one only for it to be attacked by a dog, and had to be put out of its misery....I watched as the boyfriend whacked off the ducks head...maybe that is why I am feeling so sad and discombobulated...but that is a memory I have already worked through...

Its a beautiful sunny day today, but in my head its raining and storming....

s, Tessa