brain fatigue

 So, last year, I had a mammogram done (yearly) and a cyst was found...it was drained and I am fine, no cancer....fast forward not quite a year, and another cyst is found, this one bigger, so I had another mammogram and ultrasound done on the breast...there were more than one cysts...the doctor said these cysts were hormonal and non cancerous, if they drain them, they just come back...so, if they start causing pain and discomfort, the doctor will drain them, but if they are not bothering me, than just leave them alone...they are not bothering me...

This past February was extremely hard on me emotionally and physically, my dad nearly died, and I got brutally sick, for almost an entire month, I coughed and hacked, had fever and was miserable...I started having stomach pain and problems, so I went to the doctor, and he did an Endoscopy, which showed "gastritis"...which is stress induced...but because of my weight (95 pounds) and chronic diarrhea he wanted to do a colonoscopy and CAT of my digestive system...

Well the prep for a colonoscopy is horrible!  the prep for an endoscopy is horrible, and the prep for a CAT scan was horrible...my digestive system does not respond well to fasting, cleansing for colon prep, and the nuclear medicine I had to drink for the CAT scan...all of that gave me three weeks of misery...medical testing is horrible and I can't stand it....

But, my blood work came back all good...my colonoscopy was good, no problems in my colon, my EDG showed gastritis, which is not a horrible thing, just uncomfortable, and my CAT scan came back pretty good, some thickening in something, but it was explained to be "ok", and not to worry...

So basically, I am healthy as a horse, except food makes me sick and I have brain tumors that cause horrendous headaches and other cognitive issues, but they are not deadly...

I have reactive hypoglycemia...I eat food, it causes my blood sugar to spike, then dive into a hypoglycemic state....nothing I can do about that...it happens because of the Vagotomy, and Nissens I have had, the stomach surgeries, they have fucked up my digestive system...Nothing can be done to help me.  So, I have to live with the fact, I just fucking cannot eat a goddamn thing without getting sick...but at least its not life threatening...so overall, all these tests were positive, in that I am "fine".  Which is good, I guess.

So despite only being 95 pounds, and not able to barely eat a damn thing, I am a healthy 61 yr old.

Healthy???  I am severely underweight for my height and age, and I have multiple brain tumors, not even to mention multiple personalities...how is that Healthy?  

My body is healthy, but my head is not.  Nothing can be done for the digestive issues, and nothing can be done for the brain tumors, and certainly nothing can be done for the DID...so I am body healthy but mentally unhealthy...a mental retard.  I say body healthy in that I have no cancers or diseases, but I do have a stomach and pancreas that refuse to function properly...again that is a head/brain thing, my brain will not adjust my digestive issues to make me more sustainable.  

Most people who have their gall bladders removed, have no issues, their brain reteaches the liver and pancreas their new roles in the digestive system...but that never happened to me...my brain never communicated with my liver and pancreas, so they are fucked...my brain does not work like it is intended to work.

My brain is abnormal.  It does not communicate to the organs in my body, so they are all left to "fend for themselves".  My brain split into 8 parts, so no wonder my brain cannot communicate to the other organs in my body, it is too fucking busy trying to navigate all those goddamn fucking alters....

I believe, my brain is fatigued.  It is tired of overworking, all the fucking time, it is tired of trying to reside over a body that refuses to function properly...I think that the days I feel so tired and worn out, and just want to sleep away my life, is because of brain fatigue.  My brain just gets fucking tired and shuts me down...

I blame my brain.   I blame my brain for ALL my health issues...I do not have a healthy brain,  I was born with a defective brain, so defective that it could not even deal with my childhood, I was weak in the head...that is the only reason for DID...brain weakness in the line of fire...my brain, in battle, retreated, surrendered and became a multiple.  My brain is a coward.

My brain is so much of a coward that it will not even try and communicate to my other organs,  when I get "triggered" the fucking coward brain retreats and calls out someone else to take the hit.

My brain runs from adversity, it runs away from life on life's terms.

I was born with my brain already waving the "white flag" of surrender.

S, 7, Tessa