My brain hides from me,
Corners of my soul, I cannot see.
I search and search,
but cannot find,
the key that will unlock my mind.
I want to speak, I have so much to say,
Maybe I will, maybe some day.
I am silent with fear,
I am protecting all I hold dear.
I want to speak,
I really do,
I have so much to say,
If you only knew...
All the hidden memories,
Only I can view.
Sammy
So, last year, I had a mammogram done (yearly) and a cyst was found...it was drained and I am fine, no cancer....fast forward not quite a year, and another cyst is found, this one bigger, so I had another mammogram and ultrasound done on the breast...there were more than one cysts...the doctor said these cysts were hormonal and non cancerous, if they drain them, they just come back...so, if they start causing pain and discomfort, the doctor will drain them, but if they are not bothering me, than just leave them alone...they are not bothering me...
This past February was extremely hard on me emotionally and physically, my dad nearly died, and I got brutally sick, for almost an entire month, I coughed and hacked, had fever and was miserable...I started having stomach pain and problems, so I went to the doctor, and he did an Endoscopy, which showed "gastritis"...which is stress induced...but because of my weight (95 pounds) and chronic diarrhea he wanted to do a colonoscopy and CAT of my digestive system...
Well the prep for a colonoscopy is horrible! the prep for an endoscopy is horrible, and the prep for a CAT scan was horrible...my digestive system does not respond well to fasting, cleansing for colon prep, and the nuclear medicine I had to drink for the CAT scan...all of that gave me three weeks of misery...medical testing is horrible and I can't stand it....
But, my blood work came back all good...my colonoscopy was good, no problems in my colon, my EDG showed gastritis, which is not a horrible thing, just uncomfortable, and my CAT scan came back pretty good, some thickening in something, but it was explained to be "ok", and not to worry...
So basically, I am healthy as a horse, except food makes me sick and I have brain tumors that cause horrendous headaches and other cognitive issues, but they are not deadly...
I have reactive hypoglycemia...I eat food, it causes my blood sugar to spike, then dive into a hypoglycemic state....nothing I can do about that...it happens because of the Vagotomy, and Nissens I have had, the stomach surgeries, they have fucked up my digestive system...Nothing can be done to help me. So, I have to live with the fact, I just fucking cannot eat a goddamn thing without getting sick...but at least its not life threatening...so overall, all these tests were positive, in that I am "fine". Which is good, I guess.
So despite only being 95 pounds, and not able to barely eat a damn thing, I am a healthy 61 yr old.
Healthy??? I am severely underweight for my height and age, and I have multiple brain tumors, not even to mention multiple personalities...how is that Healthy?
My body is healthy, but my head is not. Nothing can be done for the digestive issues, and nothing can be done for the brain tumors, and certainly nothing can be done for the DID...so I am body healthy but mentally unhealthy...a mental retard. I say body healthy in that I have no cancers or diseases, but I do have a stomach and pancreas that refuse to function properly...again that is a head/brain thing, my brain will not adjust my digestive issues to make me more sustainable.
Most people who have their gall bladders removed, have no issues, their brain reteaches the liver and pancreas their new roles in the digestive system...but that never happened to me...my brain never communicated with my liver and pancreas, so they are fucked...my brain does not work like it is intended to work.
My brain is abnormal. It does not communicate to the organs in my body, so they are all left to "fend for themselves". My brain split into 8 parts, so no wonder my brain cannot communicate to the other organs in my body, it is too fucking busy trying to navigate all those goddamn fucking alters....
I believe, my brain is fatigued. It is tired of overworking, all the fucking time, it is tired of trying to reside over a body that refuses to function properly...I think that the days I feel so tired and worn out, and just want to sleep away my life, is because of brain fatigue. My brain just gets fucking tired and shuts me down...
I blame my brain. I blame my brain for ALL my health issues...I do not have a healthy brain, I was born with a defective brain, so defective that it could not even deal with my childhood, I was weak in the head...that is the only reason for DID...brain weakness in the line of fire...my brain, in battle, retreated, surrendered and became a multiple. My brain is a coward.
My brain is so much of a coward that it will not even try and communicate to my other organs, when I get "triggered" the fucking coward brain retreats and calls out someone else to take the hit.
My brain runs from adversity, it runs away from life on life's terms.
I was born with my brain already waving the "white flag" of surrender.
S, 7, Tessa
I am not sure why I continuously try to be accepted and fit into places, crowds, events whatever..No matter how inviting and accepting others are, I am not accepting of myself, and this causes me to second guess the thoughts and actions of others.
This is the core issue of my self-esteem and insecurities. I have always felt "out of place", "like I really don't belong", "no real talents or gifts", "that people talk about me behind my back", "scared of friendships", "not really loved".
This is a direct result of my childhood. But I am no longer a child, so why can't I grow up in my head? Why do I always doubt myself, my abilities, my mind? I have never felt important of worthy...I have always felt left out, or on the fringe of society.
Yesterday, at a Jeep meet and greet, I had to go alone, as Kevin worked. There were over 20 jeeps there and lots of fellow jeepers. Everyone seemed to know everyone else, I knew no one...I was the odd woman out. I basically stood around, by myself and tried to look like a part of the group by checking out all the other jeeps. I talked with a few people, but as a rule, I was alone.
One lady, who did not mean anything hurtful, asked which jeep was mine...I pointed to the only cherokee in the group. She said "awe, you are the oddball"....I laughed, and I am sure she meant nothing by it, but...I am an ODDBALL...LITTLE DID SHE REALLY KNOW!
Her comment, is so true. I am the oddball, everywhere I go, everything I do, everything I say or think, are all odd. Why? because I have 8 personalities that are conflicting in feelings, ideals, emotions, abilities, styles, everything...I am very odd...especially to people who do not know me, I look and act like a freak...
I am so afraid of people...when I am alone in a crowd of people I do not know, I tend to isolate, and stand off to the side...I know that I might appear snobbish or "too good for everyone", but that is the farthest thing from the truth. I am extremely shy, and extremely non-confident in myself. I am always fearful that I will make a fool of myself, or I won't be liked or included...most of these feelings are only in my head, and I think most people don't think that way about me, but it doesn't matter, because that is how I think of me....
Put me on a stage with a microphone in front of hundreds of people, and I am outgoing, funny and gregarious...I hide behind the mic...but take me off the stage, take away my microphone, and throw me in the middle of all the people, and I become introverted and scared...fearful of being discovered for who I really am.
And who am I really? I am Ally, I am Lilly, I am Sophee, I am Tessa, I am SAmmy, I am Kaos, I am 7, I am Sparrow. I am not one person, I am a fucking herd of personalities crammed into my brain....I will never feel confident in myself again...finding out I have DID, shattered what little confidence I had had in myself, I didn't know, and not knowing spared my heart, spared my mind....now my heart is shattered, my brain is shattered and I am "nobody"...
I live in a constant state fucking fear...what will my family think, what will my friends think, what will strangers think? Will I loose my fucking drivers license (because some of my alters drive)? fuck.
I wish I was confident. I wish I was sure of myself and my abilities, I wish I could accept myself...but that will never happen. Never. I cannot be accepted by others, because I do not accept myself.
I have become so dependent in Kevin to "watch" me, "watch" for them, in order to control me or them...I am becoming fearful of going anywhere and doing anything without him...I second guess every aspect of my life...
Another aspect of my life that alienates me from other people is my disbelief in God...my paganism...that is not socially acceptable and further separates me from others...Jeepers, as a rule are "good ole boys, god fearin, beer drinking whatever"...I am looked at as evil, for being pagan, for not believing in a god. So, I am evil because I am not a christian, and I am evil for having DID (Hollywood portrays alters as evil)....I am evil for leaving my husband, and the church.
Maybe I am demon possessed...possessed by 7 demons, not personalities...DID is evil...it is not acceptable, recognized, or normal. I am not normal.
I am a paranormal, evil, demon possessed, mentally ill, excuse for a person.
I am definitely "THE ODDBALL" of society.
S, 7
I have been trying and trying to call my dad. I leave voice messages and texts almost every day, yet he does not call me back....I realize it may have to do with his dementia.
He finally called me last night. We talked and he seemed "ok", yet he did not remember my birthday. (my mother also did not acknowledge my birthday) Which every year he sends me a card, but not this year. Which is fine...then he said he could not figure out his phone, that it was a piece of junk...but he has had that phone for some time and before his hospitalization, he had no issues with the phone...again, I think it has to do with his dementia. He wants to go and buy an old flip phone...which they don't even make anymore....sigh
He told me Suzy left, and that she was a big help around the house and with mom, but that he was glad she was gone. I asked why? and he said she has a bad attitude and her and David do not get along...duh...Suzy is a raging bitch! I guess it took dementia for him to realize this...
He also said that he was feeling "dizzy and tired" and in a "fog"...his body is healing fine, so I said "it's probably your allergies"..(he has horrible spring allergies there in OKC..but he said "I have never had allergy problems before"...which, again, I guess is the dementia.
He said he misses hearing my voice...yet he does not call or answer his phone...it is so confusing for me...one day, he calls and seems pretty normal, then he doesn't call for weeks or text...and John says he is not doing that well...
John also said that dad drove in his car, by himself, across the city...that scares the shit out of me...what if he gets lost? I told John that ya need to take away his car keys...but I don't think anyone will do that until he does get lost, or has a car accident...sigh...I see a "Silver alert" in his future.
I got four birthday cards, 3 gifts, plus from Kevin...and over 38 happy birthdays on facebook...all from friends only...no family. My kids sent a happy birthday text...no cards, no phone calls, just a quick Happy birthday. None of my grandkids called to tell me happy birthday...again, I am a non-person in my family...
Talk about feeling rejection...fuck...I think I am going to stop sending birthday cards, christmas cards, halloween cards and valentines day cards to my kids and grandkids...they don't give a shit anyway...unless there is money tucked in the cards....fuck...I am done, wasting my time and money on trying to stay in touch with my kids....they have my phone number and they know where I live...if they want to talk with me, then its on them now...I am tired of being the one to reach out to them all the damn time. The phone along with the highway goes both ways...
Sigh....I was born alone, and I will die alone (except for Kevin)...Kevin is in the same boat as me as far as his family and kids are concerned, so he understands my feeling of rejection and loneliness...its just me and Kevin now. He is all I need. He loves me, he needs me, he wants me..nobody has ever wanted, loved or needed me the way he does.
I think the universe knew where my life was headed, where his life was headed, and the universe knew that Kevin and I should be together, and we are, after over 40 yrs. I am so grateful I have Kevin.
But every single day, I am so afraid that he will not want me anymore, that I will piss him off, or that I am "too much" for him (with the alters and all) or that my OCD will drive him away, or my neediness for attention and affection will overwhelm him. I have been told many times over my life, "I love you"...but those were empty words...maybe people "needed me", but only for their purpose or desires or wants...I was nothing more than a housekeeper, babysitter, car loaner, money hander outer....now that I am gone, all those perks are gone and I have been ousted....fuck that.
You know, is it too much to ask for for at least one of my kids to thank me for being their mother, for loving them, guiding them and supporting them in their life? I was a good mom, Tessa was a good mom, I was nothing like my own mother...I loved my kids...but it was not enough for them....my love is never enough.
One day, I fear, my love will not even be enough for Kevin...I can feel at times my heart trying to get hard and cold in regards to Kevin, I will get thoughts "you don't love him, he gets on your nerves" etc...and I know that is 7 putting those thoughts and trying to stir my heart away from Kevin. 7 knows that IF Kevin ever LEFT me, my heart would be crushed to a million pieces....7 even still, tries to distance me from him...I hate that. I hate how at times, I feel that my alters are trying to control me to the point that I have no thoughts or personality that are my own...its all them.
I am all over the map, all the fucking time....
Now I am trying to be the good daughter with my dad...the dad that lied to me, and shut me up all those years ago...yet I still love him...but again, my love is being pushed out the door this time by dementia and family...
When will I stop trying to be a people pleaser? When is enough, enough?
S, Tessa
Today is Easter sunday, the christian holiday. I woke up feeling so out of it, kinda depressed, but more like just sad....
Why would I be feeling sad? Maybe its because I will miss hiding easter eggs for my grandkids and watching their excitement as they hunt for the eggs...I use to buy easter baskets for my kids and grandkids, I would cook easter dinner...it was a whole thing....I miss that, or maybe Tessa misses that...I am not sure...I am not sure how much of Easter festivities were Tessa or me....
I cannot remember as a small child, if I ever hunted easter eggs, or if I ever got an easter basket. Maybe when I would be staying with my father, if it was easter, he would have gotten me a basket, but I have no memory of that or ever having an easter basket as a young child.
I do remember when my kids were little, that they would get new clothes for easter sunday, to wear to church, then they would get their easter baskets after...it was a full day of pictures and fun.
Did I ever get new easter clothes as a child? Probably not, I have no memory of that...my childhood is so closed off to me...I seem to only be able to remember the traumas that spawned the alters, why do I always remember the bad things...surely there were good things in my childhood too....even being with my daddy was a good thing, but I always had to leave and go back to the abusers, so I would always dread having to leave my daddy...Why couldn't he have seen how anxious I was to have to go back to my mother....did he turn a blind eye to the abuse? Why didn't I say anything to him when I was a child? Why did my child brain have to protect my abusers?????
What was Easter like when I was young, did my sister and brother get baskets and new clothes? I have no fucking ideal...its a blank.
I feel strangely jealous or envious of little kiddos and easter, their baskets, their hunting eggs, their new clothes, all of it....maybe Ally wants an easter basket, maybe Ally wants to hunt eggs and get new clothes...I don't know....I just fucking don't know...she has never said anything to Kevin about easter...so why is today so hard?
Kevin asked me to sit down and start blogging...so here I am, blogging and nothing is coming to me as to why I am somewhat depressed and sad...I don't think it has anything to do with the "bunny" that was my pet....I think it has to do with the fact that as a little girl, I never got to do the fun things like other children.
For all the religious hoopla over Easter, Easter is really a childs holiday....and has nothing to do with Jesus....its all about candy, clothes, baskets and fellowship...
Being raised the way I was raised, I never got to know the full joy of childrens holidays...like Easter, and Christmas...
I have no pictures of easter stuff as a child, and without pictures I just don't know what I have done, when I have done it and who was with me...its all a blank.
So, this blog did not produce anything...in fact, I feel more depressed and sad after writing all this.....fuck.
I do remember one easter, after my mother left the abuser, that her then boyfriend bought me, my sister and brother, baby ducks...only they were given away because of their noisy quacking...one duck could not quack, so we kept that one only for it to be attacked by a dog, and had to be put out of its misery....I watched as the boyfriend whacked off the ducks head...maybe that is why I am feeling so sad and discombobulated...but that is a memory I have already worked through...
Its a beautiful sunny day today, but in my head its raining and storming....
s, Tessa
So for my 61 rst birthday, I wanted something really romantic and sexy! So my partner, Kevin, bought me a "Light Bar" for my jeep!!!! The perfect gift, seriously, I love love love it!!! Can't wait to go off roading at night to shine my light, and can't wait for parade season to flash the colored lights!
As he was working on installing the wiring, he asked me to do something for him, as I got into the front seat of my jeep, I almost had a coronary...my panels and jeep instruments were all torn apart, wires everywhere...OMG....instant anxiety attack...but alas, he got it all back together, no wires anywhere, looks like my jeep came factory with the light bar already installed! Way to go Kevin! Here are some pics of the build!
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Why can't I sleep like a fucking normal person????
I simply cannot shut off my mind...it runs a thousand miles an hour...I have tried fucking everything to sleep...
melatonin, sleeping pills(which my mind powers through), magnesium, meditation, black out curtains, ear plugs, white noise, you name it, I have tried it and my head just says "fuck you for trying"...
the only thing that shuts my head off so I can sleep is Xanax. I hate taking that...it is a narcotic and can be addicting...I do not want to become dependent on Xanax to sleep...I want to sleep like a normal person, like Kevin...he lays down and boom, he is out....fuck, my X husband was the same way...why is it that men can sleep, yet I cannot???
Even when I do sleep, it is never the deep RIM sleep that is essential for the body...I just dose in a twilight sleep, still fully aware of every noise, every light, every movement...never quite asleep...
If I take a Xanax I will sleep deep and good for about 3-4 hours, then I am wide awake again...but fuck, the Xanax puts me out, so I can at least get that much good deep sleep...but I need 7-8 hours...
By 6 pm at night, I am so tired, my body is fucking tired and all I can think about it going to sleep...I stay up as late as I can, usually by 7:30-8:00 pm, I can't stay awake...so I go to bed...I do my routine to go to sleep...I lay there, I focus on the white noise (which is 8 hours of rain in Korea on Youtube) it is soothing and I will find myself drifting, but its to the twilight zone...never the fucking sleep zone...I will doze for an hour or so, then awake, thinking, my mind is alway fucking thinking...that is my night, every fucking night, doze, awake, doze, awake..by 5-6 am I get up, because I am fucking wide awake...
WHY WON'T MY FUCKING IDIOT BRAIN SLEEP?????
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????
IS IT THOSE FUCKING ALTERS KEEPING ME UP????
IS INSOMNIA BUILT INTO MY BRAIN FOR PROTECTION???
I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SLEEP...SLEEP ...SLEEP...
Sometimes I get so aggravated with not sleeping I will take a gabapentin, and whatever I can find to knock myself out...I always worry in the back of mind if I am going to OD in my sleep...but most nights I just fucking don't care...I want to sleep...
I feel like I am being punished by the universe...the universe just flat took the sleep factor out of my life...WHY????
Everything in my life is good and safe...I am happy. I am content, so why can't I sleep? What in the fucking world am I suppose to do to be able to sleep?
FUCK FUCK FUCK
S, sophee, Tessa
So I finally got to talk with my dad...he seemed really upbeat and lucid for the most part...only he kept calling me "Missy"...I have not been called missy since high school...he seems to think I am still in high school...sigh...
He is home now from the rehab center. My fuck wad sister is staying there with him for a short time, he also has home health care and my brother is there also. I do not need to be there.
Another reason I do not need to be there is they do not want me there...
They only want me when they need something...not because they love and miss me...they only miss all the shit I use to do for everybody..not me myself, as a sister, wife, mother, daughter whatever...I will not allow myself to be used and abused again....not ever.
My kids, are tentatively coming back around to talking to me...the longer I am away, the more they realize I am not coming back, so they are starting to grow up and mature in their thinking of me....good.
Still, the thing that will back them off, and back them off for good is when they find out about my DID...will they research the disorder? Will they understand? Will they try and understand? Their dad knows about the DID, our videos, and he still refuses to believe the disorder..he thinks praying about it will cure me....well 50+ years of praying hasn't done jack shit. And, it never will.
Its too late to talk to my parents about the abuse...they are both showing signs of dementia and Alzheimer's now, it would be just fucking cruel on my part to approach them now....and I am not a cruel person...not like them...so I now have to "eat" my diagnosis...and accept the fact that I will never be validated, my abuse claims will never be validated, my memories will never be validated, my life will never be validated, and that is sad. Not only for me, but for my alters as well...
I have to find a way to be okay with this...I have to find a way to live with the knowledge and facts in my head, the reality of my childhood, and the choices I have made. It is not easy, in fact, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do....even harder than living with DID. I have to keep my secrets,...and secrets keep you sick!
I have so many fucking secrets...things I simply could never say or even blog about and that is because those secrets and memories are blocked...or I am just too ashamed to voice them.
Finding a way to be okay is "finding a way to survive".
Being "okay" means "surviving".
s, Tessa
