throw down gun

 I am having such a hard time with all the family drama over my parents.  I don't know what to think, what to say, what to do...

Because of my firm stance about NOT moving back to OK and taking care of my dad and mom, I fear, what little tentative steps I have taken to come out in the open about my DID, my life have been violently shoved back into the closet.

I know that my brother will not be calling me anymore about my dad...I will not know what they decide for him, I will be left out totally.

I guess that is okay.   I have always been pretty much left out of family issues, activities and such in the past, so why should my future be any different?

Last night I had so many dreams....not horrible dreams, but dreams that my dad was "asking for me", and when I got in my car to drive to see him, the car would not start...

I tried to call him, but I could not get my cell to work....

In my dream, I felt so frustrated, so angry, so sad.  I want to be the good daughter, but all my life I have been the "bad" daughter...in my dream I wanted to make up for all the horrible things I have said and done in my past.  I was desperate to tell my dad, to share with him my memories,  to have my dad put his arms around me....but my car would not start, my phone would not work...I couldn't figure out how to get to him...I was frantic...

Then I woke up.   I know that my dad probably does not even remember me anymore, and if he does have memories of me, they would be fleeting at best.  I know he does not even realize I am not there....but I know I am not there.

Why am I feeling so much guilt about not taking care of my dad?  He lied to me my entire life, he lied to the church, he forbade me from talking with mom about my abuse...he told me "we will never speak of this again"...he shut me down.   He chose my abusive mother, over me...

But yet, he was good to me.  He raised me, put food in my mouth, a roof over my head, and he never raised a hand to me...NEVER, he was gentle and he was good to my siblings and my mother.   Maybe that is why I feel so guilty.

I tend to remember all the "positive" things about him, and conveniently forgetting the "negative"....he abused me by omission.

His silence was abusive.  Crimes were committed against me, he was a cop, a judge, a US Ranger, yet he covered up the crimes committed against me...he covered it up with silence...I am being abused by silence...he used his "throw down gun" on me....never to be linked to a crime,  his silence made me appear "crazy",  like I was to blame and he had to end it....so he ended it with a silencer on the throw down gun.

Now the silence is on him...his brain is going silent, the throw down gun is being used on himself.   Am I happy?  Shouldn't I be happy? Isn't this karma?   What goes around comes around???  And why isn't my mom the one suffering?  She deserves to suffer, she never used a "throw down gun" on me, instead she used a double barrel shot gun on me....over and over....my body is so full of holes...and I am bleeding constantly, a slow hemorrhage that won't stop, cannot be stopped...

Even if my mother were to die, it would not stop the bleeding, the holes would not be filled, just empty caverns of sadness, unfulfillment and constant feelings of guilt, anger and unrequited revenge.   

I believe that I will never be completely happy...I will never be healed of the battle wounds that have left deep scars on me.  There will always be a festering wound, a wound refusing to heal...an untraceable throw down gun...

S