Endorse

 I have not posted in awhile.  This pneumonia sickness has kicked my ass...I have never been this sick for this long in my entire life.  I guess it is because I am 60, and old fucking woman and I am not as vibrant and healthy as I use to be, despite the extraordinary extents I go to to take care of myself and stay active and healthy....almost makes me want to throw in the towel and say "fuck it".

I am feeling better now, after almost 24 days of this shit, an entire fucking month....my advocate now is about 4 days behind me in this sickness, so he is where I was 4 days ago...poor guy

We have not filmed in more than a month, where we use to film at least every two weeks...and now, since it has been so long, I am over filming...I don't know what else to say about the DID.

My family knows now, at least my husband knows, and my sister and her husband and a couple of my cousins...but only one cousin has acknowledged it and accepted me..the rest are in denial and say "they are fucking praying about it"...whatever...fuck them.  What the fuck is "prayer" gonna do for me?  Is God gonna take my DID away?  NOOOO, he is not even real, all you have to do is look around and open your eyes to see that a christian god, or any other religion that worships a certain god...its all a man made fear tactic to get followers and money, pure and simple.

My biggest heartache is my dad...after his life threatening surgery, he was sent to rehab...now his mind is going...looks like Alzheimer's, and most likely because his infection was so bad it spread to his brain...he calls me Missy Troutman,  that was what I was called in fucking high school....his mind is now scattered and I will never be able to talk with him about my DID,  I will never get validation from him or my mother...who also seems to be getting dementia and Alzheimer's too...She did not even recognize her own son, the golden child...her mind comes and goes..

She is the one I wanted to confront, she is the one I needed to tell me that everything that happened to me, was true and that she was so sorry....I needed her to be my mother....now, I will never have closure with them....an empty hole in my soul that will never be filled....

Tessa reached out to John on his birthday...she sent him a text and said "Happy Birthday, I hope you have a nice day"-Tessa...

He did not acknowledge her text...he ignored the fact that it was Tessa that sent that and not me, Sparrow....He knows I have DID, him and Kevin have talked...Johns answer is this "I am praying about it"...he also told Kevin I live in a "hellhole here"....he refuses to accept the fact that I have DID...he wants to blame all my decisions and actions on the Traumatic Brain Injury...that is something he can endorse...he cannot endorse me having Multiple Personalities...he can't wrap his head around it, and frankly, he does not believe it.even though he said he was aware of my video's, but he is not watching them...Fuck him.  Fuck all of them...

I am so tired and weary of being physically ill and emotionally sick..I am weary, because I need affection and love...from both my advocate and my family...but him being sick, we are distant from each other, I feel like we are growing apart...Illness changes things....

S, 7

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Come and sit with me

Lets cry together...

Be silent

cry waterless tears..

Put away your fears

Join me, in a silent cry.....

Put away the past,

and let your heart, fly.

Sammy