Tuesday, March 7, 2023

dead air

 Yesterday afternoon I called my dad to check on him...my mother answered the phone.  I was shocked, as I had not heard my mothers voice in over 8 yrs...

Mom:  "hello"

dead air....

Me: "Hi"

dead air

Me:  "how are you doing?"

Mom:  "this is really hard for me" (I guess referring to my dad and his condition)

Me: " yea"

dead air.....

Me: "Is dad around, can I talk to him"

dead air...

Mom: speaking to dad..."its your other daughter"..( not "our" other daughter, but "your" other daughter, not even called by my name) just the other one....

Then my dad came on the phone.

My mom did not ask me "how are you feeling?"  she knew I had pneumonia...she did not ask me "how are you doing"..she said nothing to me....Obviously, my name does not come up when I call on Dads phone, just my number and it has a 405 area code...I am thinking she saw the number from OK area and picked it up...If my name had come up in the call log, she would never have answered it.  

It was a slap in my face....am I surprised?  Fuck no, just disappointed and discouraged and sad...

Later that night after I went to bed, my sleep was fitful....I had a nightmare, and when I woke up from the nightmare, a memory came to me...about my mother:

I was a young child sitting at the table with my plate of food in front of me...I did not want to eat it as I didn't like it...my mom told me to eat and that if I don't eat I will always be "stupid"...I told her in my little voice "I don't like it"...

I remember her getting up from her chair and coming around the table, I noticed my little brother in his high chair..I did not see my sister in my dream...

My mom grabbed me by the hair and started slamming my face down on the plate of food, over and over, then she yanked me out of my chair by my hair and dragged me to the floor and kicked me saying "go to your room"...

I woke up, shaking,  I do not remember if my "dad" was at the table, I don't think he was, I do not remember what happened to me in my room, I do not know what the follow up punishment was by him, or if there was a follow up punishment...so that part is still blank in my head.

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I know this dream and memory was spawned by hearing my moms voice...I believe it triggered Ally and she was scared...it triggered all of us...I have so many conflicting thoughts about my mother...

Also in my dream, before the "dinner violence",  I was with my mom in public, like a store or something, and she was so nice and sweet, smiling and talking with other patrons and looking at me like she loved me...she was putting on a show for the outside world....like she always did....

then the "dinner" episode...did this happen later that night after the public outing?  Or did the episode happen another night..I don't know, I don't fucking know....the dreams left me with so many questions...

So many questions that my mother will never answer, so many memories she would flat deny...as she always had....so are they true? that is the hardest part...I want her to tell me...I want her to clarify and give me more answers....that will never happen...

So I am left struggling with conflicting thoughts, emotions, and fear...I feel like a child....not a 60 yr old woman...hearing my moms voice triggered the fear I had of her....fuck.

Now I am petrified of calling my dad again...I can't bear to hear her voice, but at the same time, I crave hearing her voice, I crave a mother I will never have...I crave closure....a closure that will never happen...

I will be forever left, twisting in the wind....wondering why? how? when? where?  I need the chapters of my life completed..there are so many gaps and "dead air" in my memories...I need explanations...and I know I will never get them, so I am left to depend on the memories of a small child.....

S,7, Tessa

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Stuffed in my head,

memories of the dead..

cannot speak,

cannot scream and cannot cry.

must be quiet

or else we die....

Sammy

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