triggers brought on by conversation

 So the reason a person develops DID is because of the horrible unrelenting physical/sexual/emotional abuse a small child has to endure.  The child mind cannot take it, so many children develop alters to take the abuse for them...it is a "Defense Mechanism" to help protect the child.

It is not a mental illness...it is not curable...

Since I have come out about my DID, a lot of people think it is okay for them to talk about their abuse, or someone else's abuse to me...

THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE...THAT IS A TRIGGER FOR ME... I try so hard to put my past in the past, but when people insists on talking to me about abuse,  it stirs up my alters and I become very anxious,...

Please do not talk about those things to me...it is cruel.

If you were in the company of a person who is struggling to not drink alcohol, struggling to learn a new way of life without alcohol, you would certainly not drink in front of them, or offer them a drink, or talk in detail about alcohol and how it helps you or whatever...that is cruel and in no way helps the alcoholic...it triggers them!  Same difference with DID..NEVER TALK ABOUT ABUSE TO A DID PERSON!  AGAIN TRIGGERS...

Please learn about DID...or at the very least watch our videos.

S

expectations

 Life is such a disappointment.  One thing a person should never have in life, is "expectations"..  Expectations set you up for failure...

You get married, expecting it to be forever...and its not

You have kids, expecting that they will love and respect you...and they do not.

You get a job, expecting it to be a great job, a career...and it is not that great...

You meet a new person...they seem to be everything your were looking for, they make promises, tell you they love you, act like they are listening to you, tell you they "know" you...in reality...they do not.

People tell you things, build you up, act like they accept you, and ...they do not...

Life is one big expectation:  A positive experience:  A chance to do something great...and then it is not...

New experiences are full of expectations, excitement, hope, happiness, adventure...but that only last a very short time, then it is gone....all the expectations...gone right out the window.

every new day, there is an expectation that it will be a good day...then it is not...

Well this girl, is done with expectations.  This girl is done talking, this girl is done believing in anyone...this girl is done with being ignored...this girl no longer has any expectations about anything whether good or bad...

This girl will just take it a day at a time...no plans, no expectations, no nothing...just breathing through the day, until the next...until there are no more days...

S

throw down gun

 I am having such a hard time with all the family drama over my parents.  I don't know what to think, what to say, what to do...

Because of my firm stance about NOT moving back to OK and taking care of my dad and mom, I fear, what little tentative steps I have taken to come out in the open about my DID, my life have been violently shoved back into the closet.

I know that my brother will not be calling me anymore about my dad...I will not know what they decide for him, I will be left out totally.

I guess that is okay.   I have always been pretty much left out of family issues, activities and such in the past, so why should my future be any different?

Last night I had so many dreams....not horrible dreams, but dreams that my dad was "asking for me", and when I got in my car to drive to see him, the car would not start...

I tried to call him, but I could not get my cell to work....

In my dream, I felt so frustrated, so angry, so sad.  I want to be the good daughter, but all my life I have been the "bad" daughter...in my dream I wanted to make up for all the horrible things I have said and done in my past.  I was desperate to tell my dad, to share with him my memories,  to have my dad put his arms around me....but my car would not start, my phone would not work...I couldn't figure out how to get to him...I was frantic...

Then I woke up.   I know that my dad probably does not even remember me anymore, and if he does have memories of me, they would be fleeting at best.  I know he does not even realize I am not there....but I know I am not there.

Why am I feeling so much guilt about not taking care of my dad?  He lied to me my entire life, he lied to the church, he forbade me from talking with mom about my abuse...he told me "we will never speak of this again"...he shut me down.   He chose my abusive mother, over me...

But yet, he was good to me.  He raised me, put food in my mouth, a roof over my head, and he never raised a hand to me...NEVER, he was gentle and he was good to my siblings and my mother.   Maybe that is why I feel so guilty.

I tend to remember all the "positive" things about him, and conveniently forgetting the "negative"....he abused me by omission.

His silence was abusive.  Crimes were committed against me, he was a cop, a judge, a US Ranger, yet he covered up the crimes committed against me...he covered it up with silence...I am being abused by silence...he used his "throw down gun" on me....never to be linked to a crime,  his silence made me appear "crazy",  like I was to blame and he had to end it....so he ended it with a silencer on the throw down gun.

Now the silence is on him...his brain is going silent, the throw down gun is being used on himself.   Am I happy?  Shouldn't I be happy? Isn't this karma?   What goes around comes around???  And why isn't my mom the one suffering?  She deserves to suffer, she never used a "throw down gun" on me, instead she used a double barrel shot gun on me....over and over....my body is so full of holes...and I am bleeding constantly, a slow hemorrhage that won't stop, cannot be stopped...

Even if my mother were to die, it would not stop the bleeding, the holes would not be filled, just empty caverns of sadness, unfulfillment and constant feelings of guilt, anger and unrequited revenge.   

I believe that I will never be completely happy...I will never be healed of the battle wounds that have left deep scars on me.  There will always be a festering wound, a wound refusing to heal...an untraceable throw down gun...

S

The Audacity of siblings

 SO, I got a text from my brother.

It seems that my dad and mom are going to need to live with someone.  If he was to go home, home health care would cost around 10-15,000 dollars a month...that is too expensive and would wipe out their savings pretty quickly, and medicare will only pay a small part of it.

So, he said, "we are thinking that Suzy can take care of them, we can move them to Boston and she can take care of them in her big house, plus, she works from home, so she will always be there.....THIS makes me laugh...she will not want to do that, and she will think of thousands of reasons to say "no"....

Then my brother (who is living in my parents house with his wife) said that the house is too small to accommodate another couple living there...so he doesn't want to take care of them...

So, here is the kicker....it is suggested that my mom said "Missy should just move back here and take care of them...move back in with my husband in that big old empty house of his....

THE FUCK??????? MY MOTHER DID NOT SAY THAT!!!  She hates me, and has not spoken to me in years....she is one of my abusers and I am suppose to move back in to my husbands house and take care of them???  FUCK THAT SHIT.

Really?  I left my husband, that house is his, not mine....he would be thrilled if I moved back...but not me, not ever.   I am not married anymore,  I never want to live in OK...that is a prison and not a safe place for me....I cannot believe the audacity of them to even suggest I change my whole life again just to take care of two parents that have lied to me, abused me and taken advantage of me my entire life....

I took care of them for over 30 yrs....now it is time for my sister and brother to step up to the plate....This is THEIR dad, not mine...I had a father that I loved and adored, and he died...they only knew of Jim as their dad...HE is more their dad than mine, so why the fuck should I take care of their father????

This is bullshit...my brother and sister are so fucking selfish and self-centered...they think their lives are too busy and important for the inconvenience of having to take care of two parents with dementia, but Melissa can!!!!!!! she has no job, she has money, she can take care of them....Melissa...and that is what they call me too...they even refuse to recognize that my name is Sparrow.

Well they can shove their request up their asses.   I AM NOT GOING TO GO BACK TO OKLAHOMA, I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR DAD, AND AS FAR AS OUR MOM IS CONCERNED...THEY CAN HAVE HER TOO...SHE WAS NEVER A MOTHER TO ME, SO WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BE A MOTHER AND CARETAKER FOR HER????

I AM FUCKING FURIOUS THAT THEY WOULD EVEN SAY SUCH A THING...I AM FUCKING FURIOUS THAT THEY SAID 'MOM' MADE THE SUGGESTION...I KNOW FOR A GODDAMN FACT SHE WOULD NEVER SUGGEST THAT.....UNLESS SHE WANTS TO FURTHER MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE AND MAKE ME FEEL UNSAFE...FUCK THAT SHIT...

DAVID IS RIGHT THERE IN OKLAHOMA, LIVING SCOTT FREE, NO RENT OR HOUSE PAYMENTS, IN MY PARENTS HOME.  THE GARAGE IS ENCLOSED AND HE COULD EASILY PUT MOM AND DAD IN THAT ROOM...THEY ALSO HAVE TWO OTHER BEDROOMS, SO IT IS ESSENTIALLY A THREE BEDROOM HOUSE...THAT IS WHERE MY PARENTS SHOULD GO, BACK TO THEIR HOME AND LET THE 'GOLDEN CHILD' AND HIS WIFE TAKE CARE OF THEM.

His wife even has experience in Alzheimer's and dementia as both her parents had it....so she could help in the caregiving....how fucking selfish of David to say "we don't have room for them"...they fuck they do!  He just doesn't want to be bothered with having to be responsible for them.....

Suzy will feel the same way, she will think of all kinds of excuses for them not living with her....

The only excuse I have is this:  He is not my father, my mother was and is one of my abusers, I have already taken care of them for years, and I am old, live in a one bedroom apartment and I will never return to Oklahoma.  I am pagan, a witch, and their are christians....FUCK, NO WAY I COULD DEAL WITH THEIR GOD BULLSHIT...

so the ball is in Davids and Suzy's court...oh, and the family meeting that the doctors had with family...I said I wanted to be a part of that meeting, but I was left out.  Suzy was their by Zoom, but they did not include me....NOW THEY ARE SUGGESTING THAT I MOVE BACK AND TAKE CARE OF THE PARENTS??  FUCK THAT SHIT.

FUCK THEM.

s, sophee

SHUT OUT

 So, last week, my brother told me they were going to have a family meeting with my dads doctors about the next step for my dad.  I asked my brother to call me and put me on speaker so I could listen in....

Last night, my dad calls, talking nonsense, cussing, and talking about "waking up dead"...I just went along with the discussion, then we eventually hung up with him saying "ok, I will see you in the morning"...I am 1000 miles away....

I called my brother this morning.  He said that the meeting took place and Suzy thinks he should be allowed to go home with home health care.  

THEY HAD THE MEETING...HE CALLED SUZY...HE LEFT ME OUT.

I am being shut out of his health decisions...I flat do not agree with Suzy....he is totally out of his mind.  He is 6'1" and almost 200 pounds...my mom is like 80 pounds soaking wet...what if he falls?  She can't help him up...what if he walks out of the house in the middle of the night?  She would be sleeping, and even then, she could not stop him......

I think Suzy is wrong, and I told David that...he tends to agree with me....

I am hurt that they cut me out of the family meeting...but at the same time, my step dad, is their dad...the only dad they have ever known...and I had my own daddy, whom I loved and had a relationship with...I guess they think, because I had my own dad, that I should have no say or anything about my step dad.   Maybe they are right...

But the hurt is still there.  My sister hates me with a passion.  She hates Kevin....and maybe she thinks she is sticking it to me, by not contacting me during the meeting...whatever...

My brother says he will keep me in the loop on the decision with dad...well, I AM NOT HOLDING MY BREATH.

IT IS OBVIOUS THAT I AM NOT WELCOME TO PARTICIPATE IN MY DADS HEALTHCARE.

SIGH, this whole thing has got me torn up inside, literally I am being ripped apart, not only by my dad being so sick, but by my family as well.

But this is the norm....so it should not bother me, but FUCK IT...It bothers me and breaks my heart.

I WAS THE DAUGHTER THAT TOOK CARE OF DAD AND MOM FOR YEARS AND YEARS, I TOOK CARE OF MY DADS MOM AT TIMES, I WAS THERE....DAVID AND SUZY WERE NOT....IT WAS ME!!!!

How fast they forget...how fast they are to shut me out...all those years of taking care of my parents...my fucking abusers, and I get nothing....not a damn thing....shut out....WELL FUCK THEM ALL.

So okay.  I am bowing out of this situation.  Dad is all theirs now...they can take over....

S, Sophee, Tessa

Fly Safe Giz

 So much in my head right now...

Yesterday, my advocate had to put his cat of 17 yrs down.  We knew this day was coming, as Giz went blind, and had been going downhill ever since Christmas.  Even though it was inevitable, putting down your beloved pet is gut wrenching, whether its the first time or the 30th time, it never gets easy, Never.

Then there was the question, where will we bury her?  It was decided that she would be buried in my creek bed along my apartment. So the day before, Kevin dug her grave....I watched him from my bedroom window, as he shoveled the hole for her....tears in my eyes...

The day of, yesterday, Kevin had to work, so it would be after work before Giz would be put down...I can't even imagine the sorrow he was dealing with, then having to still work his job...my heart was broken for him...

I felt so helpless...nothing I could do to make this easier for him,  support him and love him.

I took Boomer to the creek at a park...while walking him, I saw beautiful yellow flowers growing by the water...I picked a couple to place in the grave...

I have to explain the white feather....a couple of years ago Kevin was driving me to DC to catch a plane to Oklahoma, on the highway he had a tire blow out...he pulled to the side and started changing the tire...there were tractor semi's screaming by, congested traffic and I was beyond terrified that he would get hit!  I was being thrown into a PTSD attack...but, the oddest thing...standing just behind his car, along this heavily traveled highway...a lone white feather literally came out of nowhere and landed on my foot...immediately I felt peace and calm....that little white feather....

As I was leaving the park with my flowers in hand, I looked down and there, randomly was a little white feather.   I knew this was from the universe to give me assurance that Giz will be fine....so I picked up the feather and added it to my flowers, came home and placed them in the grave to await Giz.

At 4:00 pm, the process would start to help Giz cross over.   At 3:45 I burned sage...asking the souls of departed animals to embrace Giz, and lead her to her new home...

I set up three candles:  1) purple, for calm, peace and smooth passage 2) green, to entreat the earth to accept Giz into its dirt.  To allow Giz to feed the trees, to fertilize the earth...to roam free along the creek bed..3)  the silver candle.  The strongest of all candles, to ensure safe passage, to give strength and knowledge and clarity to Kevin, to safe guard him, and to protect and honor and cherish the soul of Giz.

At 4:00 pm, Kevin sent the text, 'starting the process", I lit the three candles, turned my 10 minute hour glass over and the process began.  I closed my eyes and meditated for this sad event....I had no ideal how long it would take for Giz to pass....but, exactly 4:10, I got the text, it's over, she's gone...and at exactly that moment, the hour glass ran out.  Exactly 10 minutes!  The universe had accepted Giz, given her safe passage, she was on her way, body soul and spirit to my creek.  She is now here, with us, prowling the creek for birds and things to do and play with...chasing other souls of previous critters that lived, thrived and died around my creek...the fact that exactly 10 minutes was all it took, tells me, that the universe was listening!

After she was buried, and we were sitting in my apartment, we talked of Giz, Kevin talked about her antics, her love, he talked about the memories of Giz these past 17 yrs...

I assured him, that Giz was here now, with us...

The next morning, as he was getting ready for work, he said that he "saw" Giz laying at his legs, sleeping...while he was sleeping, Giz entered my apartment and laid down with him....Kevin was kinda freaked out about this, as he is "skeptical" about my beliefs, but too many coincidences leave him wondering, pondering...

I am so thankful that Giz appeared to him...she was telling him "I am okay, I am happy and content, I have no pain, I can see, you saved me"...rest easy and know I am there, always!

I truly believe that life lives on in the spirit realm.  And I also believe that Giz will become stardust, like humans and when a new world is formed, the dust of all our past loves, will come together to form another beautiful planet.

Here are some pics of the days just prior to Giz death...but maybe her body is dead, but her soul lives on, forever!

Fly safe, Giz, until we meet again.

S, 7, Tessa

 

dead air

 Yesterday afternoon I called my dad to check on him...my mother answered the phone.  I was shocked, as I had not heard my mothers voice in over 8 yrs...

Mom:  "hello"

dead air....

Me: "Hi"

dead air

Me:  "how are you doing?"

Mom:  "this is really hard for me" (I guess referring to my dad and his condition)

Me: " yea"

dead air.....

Me: "Is dad around, can I talk to him"

dead air...

Mom: speaking to dad..."its your other daughter"..( not "our" other daughter, but "your" other daughter, not even called by my name) just the other one....

Then my dad came on the phone.

My mom did not ask me "how are you feeling?"  she knew I had pneumonia...she did not ask me "how are you doing"..she said nothing to me....Obviously, my name does not come up when I call on Dads phone, just my number and it has a 405 area code...I am thinking she saw the number from OK area and picked it up...If my name had come up in the call log, she would never have answered it.  

It was a slap in my face....am I surprised?  Fuck no, just disappointed and discouraged and sad...

Later that night after I went to bed, my sleep was fitful....I had a nightmare, and when I woke up from the nightmare, a memory came to me...about my mother:

I was a young child sitting at the table with my plate of food in front of me...I did not want to eat it as I didn't like it...my mom told me to eat and that if I don't eat I will always be "stupid"...I told her in my little voice "I don't like it"...

I remember her getting up from her chair and coming around the table, I noticed my little brother in his high chair..I did not see my sister in my dream...

My mom grabbed me by the hair and started slamming my face down on the plate of food, over and over, then she yanked me out of my chair by my hair and dragged me to the floor and kicked me saying "go to your room"...

I woke up, shaking,  I do not remember if my "dad" was at the table, I don't think he was, I do not remember what happened to me in my room, I do not know what the follow up punishment was by him, or if there was a follow up punishment...so that part is still blank in my head.

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I know this dream and memory was spawned by hearing my moms voice...I believe it triggered Ally and she was scared...it triggered all of us...I have so many conflicting thoughts about my mother...

Also in my dream, before the "dinner violence",  I was with my mom in public, like a store or something, and she was so nice and sweet, smiling and talking with other patrons and looking at me like she loved me...she was putting on a show for the outside world....like she always did....

then the "dinner" episode...did this happen later that night after the public outing?  Or did the episode happen another night..I don't know, I don't fucking know....the dreams left me with so many questions...

So many questions that my mother will never answer, so many memories she would flat deny...as she always had....so are they true? that is the hardest part...I want her to tell me...I want her to clarify and give me more answers....that will never happen...

So I am left struggling with conflicting thoughts, emotions, and fear...I feel like a child....not a 60 yr old woman...hearing my moms voice triggered the fear I had of her....fuck.

Now I am petrified of calling my dad again...I can't bear to hear her voice, but at the same time, I crave hearing her voice, I crave a mother I will never have...I crave closure....a closure that will never happen...

I will be forever left, twisting in the wind....wondering why? how? when? where?  I need the chapters of my life completed..there are so many gaps and "dead air" in my memories...I need explanations...and I know I will never get them, so I am left to depend on the memories of a small child.....

S,7, Tessa

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Stuffed in my head,

memories of the dead..

cannot speak,

cannot scream and cannot cry.

must be quiet

or else we die....

Sammy

Endorse

 I have not posted in awhile.  This pneumonia sickness has kicked my ass...I have never been this sick for this long in my entire life.  I guess it is because I am 60, and old fucking woman and I am not as vibrant and healthy as I use to be, despite the extraordinary extents I go to to take care of myself and stay active and healthy....almost makes me want to throw in the towel and say "fuck it".

I am feeling better now, after almost 24 days of this shit, an entire fucking month....my advocate now is about 4 days behind me in this sickness, so he is where I was 4 days ago...poor guy

We have not filmed in more than a month, where we use to film at least every two weeks...and now, since it has been so long, I am over filming...I don't know what else to say about the DID.

My family knows now, at least my husband knows, and my sister and her husband and a couple of my cousins...but only one cousin has acknowledged it and accepted me..the rest are in denial and say "they are fucking praying about it"...whatever...fuck them.  What the fuck is "prayer" gonna do for me?  Is God gonna take my DID away?  NOOOO, he is not even real, all you have to do is look around and open your eyes to see that a christian god, or any other religion that worships a certain god...its all a man made fear tactic to get followers and money, pure and simple.

My biggest heartache is my dad...after his life threatening surgery, he was sent to rehab...now his mind is going...looks like Alzheimer's, and most likely because his infection was so bad it spread to his brain...he calls me Missy Troutman,  that was what I was called in fucking high school....his mind is now scattered and I will never be able to talk with him about my DID,  I will never get validation from him or my mother...who also seems to be getting dementia and Alzheimer's too...She did not even recognize her own son, the golden child...her mind comes and goes..

She is the one I wanted to confront, she is the one I needed to tell me that everything that happened to me, was true and that she was so sorry....I needed her to be my mother....now, I will never have closure with them....an empty hole in my soul that will never be filled....

Tessa reached out to John on his birthday...she sent him a text and said "Happy Birthday, I hope you have a nice day"-Tessa...

He did not acknowledge her text...he ignored the fact that it was Tessa that sent that and not me, Sparrow....He knows I have DID, him and Kevin have talked...Johns answer is this "I am praying about it"...he also told Kevin I live in a "hellhole here"....he refuses to accept the fact that I have DID...he wants to blame all my decisions and actions on the Traumatic Brain Injury...that is something he can endorse...he cannot endorse me having Multiple Personalities...he can't wrap his head around it, and frankly, he does not believe it.even though he said he was aware of my video's, but he is not watching them...Fuck him.  Fuck all of them...

I am so tired and weary of being physically ill and emotionally sick..I am weary, because I need affection and love...from both my advocate and my family...but him being sick, we are distant from each other, I feel like we are growing apart...Illness changes things....

S, 7

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Come and sit with me

Lets cry together...

Be silent

cry waterless tears..

Put away your fears

Join me, in a silent cry.....

Put away the past,

and let your heart, fly.

Sammy