1000 steps backwards

 So last night as I was about to fall asleep, my phone rang.  I answered it and it was my dad (who is in the hospital and very sick).  It was gut wrenching to hear his voice, it was so weak and tired...

He asked me to come to OkC and take care of him and mom.  WHAT???

My sister and bro-in-law is there with him.  His son, David and his wife are there too....but my dad said that Suzy was useless and that David and his wife have too many health issues to take care of them.  So naturally that leaves me.

But what about my health?  My physical and emotional health simply do not matter to them.  It is all about me, taking care of everybody else...but who the fuck took care of me?

Did my mom and dad take care of me after I was hospitalized for suicide attempt?  Did they take care of me after my brain surgery?  Did they take care of me after my various serious surgeries? NO

When I tried to talk to my dad about my memories and depression and stuff, I was told to "get over it"....

Now when him and my mom are old they need me?????  Where were they when I needed them???

So now I am torn....literally being pulled in two...my dad is playing with my emotions once again.....fuck fuck fuck

I simply cannot take care of my mother....she NEVER TOOK CARE OF ME...NEVER NEVER, HOW CAN i TAKE CARE OF A WOMAN WHO DID N'T AND DOES NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ME.

THEY ARE BEING SO SELFISH.

If I was to go to OKC, my life would be miserable.   My kids would treat me like shit....I would be nothing more than a slave, housekeeper and medical aide.  I would not be a daughter....

Its all about what I can do for them.....it is fucking never what they can do for me....

I feel like the worse daughter in the world.  I feel like what is left of my tenuous relationship with my family will be gone forever if I do not go back....am I ready for that????

If I go back, then John will try and persuade me to stay...everyone will tell me to stay...the pressure will be too great for me, and if I stayed I would kill myself.  Oklahoma is not a safe place for me or my alters..it would be a clusterfuck of epic proportions....

I simply cannot go back, yet I cannot stay here....this tug of war in my brain is shattering my sense of well being.   

What do I do???? OMG, why must it be me that has to do all the work, that is expected to take care of my parents when there are two more kids besides me.....is it because I have no job?  Is it because they think I am healthy and having too much fun here?  Its because in their eyes, I have no life to be responsible for...

I am not healthy.  My stomach is crap in which I have to have an EDG next month....my mental condition is beyond fragile, and the headaches are almost unbearable, and my depression is off the charts, but hey, who the fuck cares?  Certainly not my family, because its all about them and the "slave" daughter....

Fuck my sister....its her turn to show up and do her duty as a daughter...not me....and the golden child is right there, why the fuck can't he take the time to help them?  GODDAMN SELFISH KIDS...

My dad has money, he could pay to have a nurse, they live in a fucking retirement community, they have help, yet he is pleading with me to take care of him and mom....I can't do that...

why is it expected of me to travel 1000 miles....I have a life here, I am happy, I have my dog, my jeep groups, and I am carving out a life that I finally get to live on my terms...

Now I am being begged by my sick dad to come back "home" and live with them and take care of them....the fuck???  

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO????

GOING BACK TO OKLAHOMA MAY BE GOOD FOR MY DAD, BUT IT IS NOT GOOD FOR ME....BUT NOBODY GIVES A SHIT FOR MY WELBEING, BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL.

I SIMPLY CANNOT DO THAT IF I WANT TO TRY AND BE HEALTHY MENTALLY...IT WOULD BE 1000 STEPS BACKWARDS IN MY HEALING IF i GO BACK....

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

s, 7, sophee

This is Tessa.  And here are my thoughts on her dad.  It is her Christian duty to take care of her parents, despite how they have treated her.  Its not about her, its about them.  Her dad needs her and she should be there.  She needs to quit thinking about herself and start thinking about the needs of others.  She is being selfish.  She talks a big talk about harming no one...if she does not go, then she is harming her dad and her mother.  When will the carnage stop?

I want to go, I want to take care of him.  I am good at taking care of things, especially medical issues.  I can guard her mind, it would be me, not her, if she decides to go back.  

Tessa