Sick sick sick

 I rarely get sick, sick in the normal way, like a cold, sinus infection, flu etc....I am usually pretty healthy.  Brain tumors and chronic stomach issues (brought on by multiple stomach surgeries) notwithstanding...but I rarely get sick like the average person does.

But 16 days ago, I developed a cough, I initially thought it might be a reaction to the Timothy Hay I bought for my pigs....but over the next couple of weeks the cough got worse and worse...

My advocate started coughing about two after me....he went on to the ER and was diagnosed Flu/bronchitis.  We have both had the flu shot.   Both of us tested negative for Covid.

But where he seemed to be getting better, I was getting worse, and worse....

I have pneumonia probably walking pneumonia as I only have a low grade fever, but I am coughing up so much brownish shit from my lungs...and to take a deep breath hurts like a belt is wrapped tight around my chest...

I have never been this sick for this long....it is all I can do to take Boomer out for him to pee....it exhausts me to even walk up and down one flight of stairs.

I am so irritable I can't even stand myself....everything is pissing me off and getting on my nerves...Kevin was here,  but I told him to leave...I cannot control my thoughts, or my tongue...I am so fucking miserable, and it is flat not fair to make anybody else miserable too.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone..I just want to be left alone in my misery....Nobody can do anything to help me feel better....I will just scream at them and that is not fair of me to take out my frustrations on somebody who is just trying to help me...

I started taking anti-biotics, and now the fucking diarrhea has started...keeping me up at night along with the coughing and hacking...I am down to 94 goddamn pounds...I have nothing to wear....to fucking skinny....

My family knows I am sick with pneumonia, yet not a fucking one of them has called to check on me....yet I am expected to check on them, my dad etc....well fuck that....if they can't or won't check on me, then they can go eat shit.

How much longer can this fucking sickness last???????

I cannot deal with being sick....none of my alters can deal with this, it is like being sick times 8.....we are all fucking miserable....I am the worlds worse patient and I flat refuse to go to the hospital....I would rather die first.

S

Guinea Pigs

 So I have really been missing my fancy rats.  But they just didn't live long enough, only having a life expectancy of around 2-3 years...but they were adorable.

I have been missing having a little fury fur ball to love on and watch....

I have never had guinea pigs.  I did not know what to expect, only that they are so cute and have the funniest antics, like the "popcorn" thingy!  

So I woke up one morning and decided I wanted a guinea pig.  I went out and bought one, only intending on having one, but as I read about them, they really need a mate, a playmate.  So I went back and adopted another.  Now I have two 2 mos old guinea pigs "Harvee and Herbee"...they are so adorable...

This is Herbee...

And the orange one is "Harvee"...

I have been having so much fun, handling them, working on training them and just watching them do their goofy mannerisms they are a hoot!

Their life span is 6-10 yrs, if they are well taken care of...

I am looking forward to when they don't run from me, but to run too me!  Just like my rats did.

I know that Ally is happy with the piggies...she loves animals as much as I do!

S

Sister Pig

 My dad is back in ICU...he was doing better, but had a setback.  I have been keeping in contact with him via his cell phone with calls and texts.

My sister, and brother are both there with him, taking care of him, so really I do not need to be there.  They are both adults and need to act like adults and take responsibility for their dad also.

I sent a text to my dad....here was the answer:

Only, this was not my dad...my sister wrote this.   She took it upon herself to intrude on a private conversation with me and my dad.

The way she answered this, she assumed that I was not able or forbidden to answer my own texts, and that Kevin answers for me...she believes that Kevin controls me, controls my life.  Which is so far from the truth its laughable.

John tried to control me and my life, he is the one that kept me chained up...NOT KEVIN...then here is Suzy, trying to control my life...fuck her....

I am so fucking sick of her attitude...she is nothing more than an alcoholic abusive pig, just like her biological father was...the apple did not fall far from the tree...

She has known about my DID for almost two years...but has she ever tried to reach out to me?  Has she ever tried to learn more about DID?  NO...because it is all about SUZY....she is the most self-centered selfish fucking cunt that ever walked the face of the earth.

She is nothing but a big fat piece of flesh.   She is grossly overweight, she drinks like the seasoned alcoholic she is, she is self-righteous and the biggest hypocrite I have ever seen or known.  She makes Donald Trump and George Santos look like saints.

There is absolutely no need for me to be in Oklahoma to take care of my dad...she is there, my brother is there, my kids are there, his church is there, John is there...he has all the help he needs.  I talk with him every single day.  I talk with the nurses...I know what the fuck is going on...

I feel so sorry for her husband, Dave.  For him to have to live with the kind of woman that Suzy is, must be so hard for him.  No wonder he is always working and doing hobbies...anything to keep away from the pig that is his wife.....she hen pecks him and treats him like a dog...she has cheated on him, left him, belittled him, and yet he hangs around...I believe he is as trapped with her, as I was with John...

I am so glad that Suzy never had children of her own, because she would have been so abusive verbally and emotionally to her child, and her kids would have been miserable and grow up hating their mother, as I grew up hating mine.   That is the ONLY thing positive about my sister, the fact that she chose to not have children....

I am sad that my sister chooses to be exactly like her bio father...its a sad day indeed....

S, 7, sophee

Betrayed

 I literally do not know where to start with this blog.

Kevin finally had a long conversation with John....John told Kevin that he knew I had "multiple personalities", he has known all along, but chose to ignore my suffering and struggles by simply "praying" about it....

So for 30+ years, John has watched me be a multiple.  John is also aware of our videos, but refuses to watch them.  He told Kevin he googled DID and is knowledgeable of the condition.  

But here is the kicker:  DID cannot be cured.  PERIOD

but in Johns lame mind, he says he is taking care of the situation, and in Gods time, I will be healed.  

GODS time?????  just what the fuck is gods time???

The fact of the matter is, John is a coward and refuses to get his hands dirty.  He thinks he has all the answers.  When HE HAS NEVER GIVEN  ME THOSE ANSWERS.

John is beyond cruel, his mental abuse matches my own mothers.  His denial and belief in a god is laughable.  He even refused to call me by my Legal name of Sparrow, preferring to call me Melissa.

How disrespectful is that??   

John was aware of Lilly, of course, in his eyes she is a demon.  John told Kevin that I was living in a "hell hole" here in VA.  He blamed Kevin for breaking up his marriage...REALLY??

John "how many years ago was it that I moved out of our bedroom, 15-20???  Kevin was no where around.

John:  How many times through the years have I asked you for a divorce?  Kevin was no where around then...

John:  DID is formed in early childhood....Kevin was not around then...

John:  I was with you over 30 years, Kevin was not around then...

To blame Kevin, is so beyond ridiculous...

In fact, Kevin is the only person who has actually been trying to understand my abuse, understand my DID, and he has been the only one actually trying to do something tangible to help me......He does not retreat to the back room to pray....He gets his hands dirty.  He has researched all my memories, and found them all to be true...just a simple internet search validated my memories.

Kevin has NEVER betrayed me...John has betrayed me from day one...over 30 years of betrayal,  his affair with God...fuck him

S

1000 steps backwards

 So last night as I was about to fall asleep, my phone rang.  I answered it and it was my dad (who is in the hospital and very sick).  It was gut wrenching to hear his voice, it was so weak and tired...

He asked me to come to OkC and take care of him and mom.  WHAT???

My sister and bro-in-law is there with him.  His son, David and his wife are there too....but my dad said that Suzy was useless and that David and his wife have too many health issues to take care of them.  So naturally that leaves me.

But what about my health?  My physical and emotional health simply do not matter to them.  It is all about me, taking care of everybody else...but who the fuck took care of me?

Did my mom and dad take care of me after I was hospitalized for suicide attempt?  Did they take care of me after my brain surgery?  Did they take care of me after my various serious surgeries? NO

When I tried to talk to my dad about my memories and depression and stuff, I was told to "get over it"....

Now when him and my mom are old they need me?????  Where were they when I needed them???

So now I am torn....literally being pulled in two...my dad is playing with my emotions once again.....fuck fuck fuck

I simply cannot take care of my mother....she NEVER TOOK CARE OF ME...NEVER NEVER, HOW CAN i TAKE CARE OF A WOMAN WHO DID N'T AND DOES NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ME.

THEY ARE BEING SO SELFISH.

If I was to go to OKC, my life would be miserable.   My kids would treat me like shit....I would be nothing more than a slave, housekeeper and medical aide.  I would not be a daughter....

Its all about what I can do for them.....it is fucking never what they can do for me....

I feel like the worse daughter in the world.  I feel like what is left of my tenuous relationship with my family will be gone forever if I do not go back....am I ready for that????

If I go back, then John will try and persuade me to stay...everyone will tell me to stay...the pressure will be too great for me, and if I stayed I would kill myself.  Oklahoma is not a safe place for me or my alters..it would be a clusterfuck of epic proportions....

I simply cannot go back, yet I cannot stay here....this tug of war in my brain is shattering my sense of well being.   

What do I do???? OMG, why must it be me that has to do all the work, that is expected to take care of my parents when there are two more kids besides me.....is it because I have no job?  Is it because they think I am healthy and having too much fun here?  Its because in their eyes, I have no life to be responsible for...

I am not healthy.  My stomach is crap in which I have to have an EDG next month....my mental condition is beyond fragile, and the headaches are almost unbearable, and my depression is off the charts, but hey, who the fuck cares?  Certainly not my family, because its all about them and the "slave" daughter....

Fuck my sister....its her turn to show up and do her duty as a daughter...not me....and the golden child is right there, why the fuck can't he take the time to help them?  GODDAMN SELFISH KIDS...

My dad has money, he could pay to have a nurse, they live in a fucking retirement community, they have help, yet he is pleading with me to take care of him and mom....I can't do that...

why is it expected of me to travel 1000 miles....I have a life here, I am happy, I have my dog, my jeep groups, and I am carving out a life that I finally get to live on my terms...

Now I am being begged by my sick dad to come back "home" and live with them and take care of them....the fuck???  

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO????

GOING BACK TO OKLAHOMA MAY BE GOOD FOR MY DAD, BUT IT IS NOT GOOD FOR ME....BUT NOBODY GIVES A SHIT FOR MY WELBEING, BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL.

I SIMPLY CANNOT DO THAT IF I WANT TO TRY AND BE HEALTHY MENTALLY...IT WOULD BE 1000 STEPS BACKWARDS IN MY HEALING IF i GO BACK....

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

s, 7, sophee

This is Tessa.  And here are my thoughts on her dad.  It is her Christian duty to take care of her parents, despite how they have treated her.  Its not about her, its about them.  Her dad needs her and she should be there.  She needs to quit thinking about herself and start thinking about the needs of others.  She is being selfish.  She talks a big talk about harming no one...if she does not go, then she is harming her dad and her mother.  When will the carnage stop?

I want to go, I want to take care of him.  I am good at taking care of things, especially medical issues.  I can guard her mind, it would be me, not her, if she decides to go back.  

Tessa