Over having DID

 I am so "over" having DID.  

When I was first diagnosed, it was a shock and a relief...I finally knew why I was the way I was.   I knew exactly what was wrong with my head.  And it has helped.

The therapy, going through the memories, dealing with the trauma etc has been hard, gut wrenching and frankly sad.  Realizing the extent of the damage done to me as a small child, breaks my heart.  No child should have to endure the type of abuse I sustained.  But, it is still happening today...todays abusers are creating tomorrows DID adults.

I do not want to be a spokesperson for DID.  My abuse and trauma is not an issue I am proud of, nor is it an issue I want to be a "figure" for.  Nor is it an issue I want to talk about.

Admitting to people, my disorder, my abuse etc...is humiliating to me.  I am embarrassed by my past, my mother, my family...I am embarrassed to have DID.  It is embarrassing to know I am not "normal"....I just want to be like every other normal "singlet"...with normal issues, normal families, and a normal life.  But I will NEVER have that.  I will never be NORMAL.  

How do I accept that?   I was not in some car accident or war zone, and I did not catch any disease,  I have no physical outward scars, on the outside I look like everybody else....My alters are not chaotic, which I guess is a blessing.  I have been told I have Structural Disassociation.  Meaning all my alters have specific "duties" they perform for me, very structured.  I front most of the time, me Sparrow...I am the host.  None of my alters jockey for position, they are all content with me being the host....did they jockey for position when I was small?  

Is Sparrow nothing but an alter that won the election to be host?  Am I nothing but an alter as well?  Just who was born with the physical body, who had the first mind?  Was I born with DID?  Is that even possible?  

In Oklahoma, Tessa was the "host" most of the time...Is she the real "mind" and "body"?  Am I the "fake" host here in VA?  Who was the host when I was a small girl?  A teenager?  

It seems so unbelievable at times that I have a split personality...I can feel so fucking "normal", then, I am not.

With DID,  I am always second guessing myself...now, when I am with a lot of other "singlets", like my jeep groups,  I am so afraid of being "myself" with them, being exposed...I have to constantly be on guard,  it is exhausting trying to be normal like everybody else...its a battle in my head.

I am so afraid of making real friends...because I am so different and weird and strange.  Not conducive to relationships...

So I am over having DID....I wish all the alters would go to bed and sleep and never wake up....sometimes I wish that for the host too, whoever that is, because I don't have a fucking clue.

S

I was the host most of her life.  It was my body, my mind and my actions and decisions that guided her.  The host, is the one that is responsible for everyone's actions...I kept her in line, and a couple of the others...She is not able to do that.  When I am fronting, which is most of the time, I give her sight into what I am doing usually...that way she feels she is in control because she remembers most of the day.  She thinks she did the laundry, or cleaned the house or whatever, but, she is just "seeing" me or herself doing these things...this is normal....this is the way she has lived, the way we all have lived.  I understand that she wants to be the boss...but I cannot allow that.

Tessa