no closure

 Have you ever wondered why some people have horrible lives, filled with pain and suffering, whether physical or emotional and can never catch a break?

Are these people somehow flawed?  Were their very births on purpose solely for abuse?   Is their DNA flawed?  Are they not the "survival of the fittest?"  Are they somehow not "fit" to survive?  You see that in the animal/creature world, the weak or afflicted are left to die by their mother.  Or in some instances they are even eaten by their mother.....

I feel like that is me.  

Somehow, I am flawed and not fit.  I feel like my mother has eaten me alive and spit me back out....I feel like by being born, I was sentenced to a life of confusion, humiliation, abuse, ridicule and sickness.

Why was I chose to be born into a horrific life?  Is my DNA flawed?  I am certainly not in the "fittest" shape....I am plagued with physical disease and mental disease...

Maybe I was born healthy....but the abuse, both physical and mental and emotional slowly began to alter my DNA...not only did the stress of my life alter my mental capabilities, but it has also affected my body as well.

I truly believe I would be a more healthy adult had I not suffered so much as a child, as a teenager and as an adult.

So now I not only have to deal with my mental disorder called DID and depression, I have to deal with health issues beyond my control...health issues that are a direct result of stress and abuse.

Maybe I was born a healthy little baby girl....but my parents ruined me, they systematically killed my spirit, and my body is still dying...I am breaking down...brain tumors, horrible stomach issues, constant pain both physical and emotional...

I believe there is only so much emotional pain and baggage a person can carry...I have been carrying mine so long, my arms ache...my mind is tired and my body is tired...even when I try to put the baggage down, it is like my baggage is glued to me, it will not let go...

Trying to learn about my DID, to understand it, to embrace it, to speak out about it, only tires me....my mind is exhausted, all I want to do is sleep, but sleep for me is a restless chore....It is a chore for me to try and relax my mind, to put away thoughts, to rest.  My mind goes 90 to nothing all day long and all night long...it never fucking stops.

It is a fucking sad day when the only time I can effectively sleep is when I take a Xanax or other drug that shuts my brain off.  

How sad it takes a drug for me to sleep....Again, flawed DNA....

Once a long time ago, I was talking to a "friend" in the church about my brain tumors and such...I was like "why me???"  a question everyone asks about themselves when they are going through something hard or difficult.  My "friend" said, "why not you?  do you think you are so special that hardships should not affect you?"  

That offended me to no end....I was just venting and this person made me feel like even more shit, thank you christian....

But seriously..."why not me?"  I am not special at all...for whatever reason the universe has for me, that reason has not been revealed...

It is sad that I do not believe in Heaven, because I would so love to be in a place with no pain, no suffering, no abuse...just happiness...but, there is no heaven....there is no hell, unless you describe hell as a state of mind...

I REALIZE OTHERS HAVE IT WAY WORSE THAN ME...DUH, there is always someone worse off, and I get that....my gripe is, I will never get better...I will always be sick, and that gets old, and I am tired of fighting.  Because the battle I am fighting, I have absolutely no way of winning....and that is what makes it "worse" for me. 

So, this is what is in my head right now...I think my biggest "ailment" is the fact that I have no closure....I will never have closure....I will always be left asking "why"?

S