My dad.

 My dad was hospitalized last Tuesday (this is Monday) for pain.  

They did all kinds of testing and determined it was his gallbladder.  Once they got in there, they found his gallbladder was necrotic and gangrenous.  He also has sepsis.

He is now on intravenous antibiotics for three days.  If he survives the three days, then he might make it.   Here is my issue, and what I am dealing with.

My dad is my step dad.  He has defended my mother and the atrocities that are her own.  He has forbidden me for ever speaking to my mother about my childhood abuse.  He, knew about the letter to the Southwestern Baptist Seminary, that my mother wrote to them to gain admission.  He knew that she completely omitted my existence, lied, and he has allowed this to dictate his Pastorhood.   He has been living a lie about me, so he could stay a pastor.  

However, he has never hurt me physically.  He adopted me into his name at the age of 14.  He was always so good to me...he took care of me best he could....he is a good man.  Just caught and stuck in a lie he could not or would not rectify.  

So, when he became sick, this caused so much confusion with me....if he died,  I would never be able to tell him about my DID, I would never have any closure....so I was angry about that.

But also, he was in so much pain, even talking about dying and that he was ready to go.....that hurt my heart.

I buried my birth father, which was so hard....then I am confronted with possibly burying my step father.   

I did not get closure to the step dad that horribly abused me, he is already dead and gone....no answers, no satisfaction of him knowing that I know now...that I remember.  When my birth father died, I had no ideal the extent of my brain condition, I did not know I had DID, I did not remember all the abuse, so I never got to tell my daddy...

No closure there either.

Why couldn't it be my mother who is sick?  Why does she get to live?  I will never have closure with her either...she does not speak to me.

I want my step dad to live.  I want him to be healthy...I want to tell him everything I remember I want him to know WHO I AM.  

Despite everything, despite him protecting my mother, despite him lying...I love him.  He is my dad.   

I hate learning about my DID so late in life, my abusers are dead, except for my mom...my mom and step dad are in their 80's now, old and sick...How can I tell them???  Is it cruel of me to want to talk with them, to bring up the past?  My dad once told me "everyone makes mistakes", "you need to get on with your life"...he said that after I told him how I felt about the seminary letter.  He never apologized, basically told me to "get a life".....with answers like that, I will never get to explain myself.

What kind of a life do I have now???  The past has shaped and molded my present to the point that I am mentally sick.   How do I let that go and get on with my life???

Will I ever get to "speak my truth"?  I think not.   I will be forever "in the closet", I will be forever silenced...I will never be accepted and loved in my family...I will always be the "outsider", the "black sheep", the "unwanted" one.  And that hurts so much...because they are so against me,  I will never be loved...I will never be accepted...

I have been a loner since birth, and I guess I will be a loner the rest of my pathetic life.   People say "I don't need acceptance, I don't need my family, I don't need anything"...but that is just simply not true.  People need people.  People need family and a sense of belonging...

I do not have that, I have never belonged...never will...even if my dad lives, and gets healthy again, I will still be alone...

If it weren't for my advocate, I would literally be all by myself...

I am an orphan in a family of many...

S, 7