Cement

 Depression is a very difficult mental condition.

A person can smile, laugh, and seem fine, but depression is still there, lurking...like a predator.

Depression stalks a person, stealthily, quietly, and strikes whenever it pleases...

The littlest things can bring the depression to the surface:

   a perceived insult

   plans that fall through

   unkind words spoken

   medical issues

   relationship issues

   dreams

   but most often, nothing, depression decides when and where to strike.

For me, depression seems to be my old and dearest friend...no matter how hard I try to overcome this condition, it seems to never go away.

When something triggers my depression, it may start out innocuous, but left "unspoken" or "ignored" the depression grows.  My mind starts telling me I am "unworthy" "stupid" etc... my daily routine becomes chaotic,  I perceive everything as "bad",  and I start to spiral down down down into the pit.   I can't stop it...I want to, but my mind won't let go....

I hate when I start that downward slide...I will smile and laugh and say "everything is great", I will try and act normal.   I go into denial...on the outside looking in, I seem fine, happy whatever...but deep inside my heart, I am breaking....once my breaking point is becoming dangerous, Sophee will front and hurt me to bring me back to reality...

I HATE THAT!  I hate that I, Sparrow, have no control over my mind, heart and my life.   My alters have been keeping my head above water, because I am so helpless...they are my "keepers", as if I am a wild animal in the zoo being handled by zoo keepers...

Often when I am in the midst of the depression, I know I am being ridiculous, I know that.   A part of my head is telling me "snap out of it", "your life is good now, you are safe" blah blah blah, but the other part is saying "you are stupid, unworthy, and deserve to feel this way"...its a constant battle inside my head...its exhausting and leaves me confused, angry, sad, frustrated...then I get angry at myself.

Its like my brain has Tourette's syndrome.  Uncontrollable thoughts that are rude, offensive and out of my control...

My advocate is my babysitter, my zoo keeper, and he does his best to work with the alters in keeping me between the bumpers so I don't slide into the gutter.   I know it must be frustrating for him, sometimes it seems like I have made great strides in overcoming so much,  then out of the blue...BOOM, hello depression.  And all that ground made, is lost and we have to start over...over and over and over...

My mind, will and emotions are made of fine china, easily cracked and broken...I wish my mind was made of cement.

S