Full Circle

 I grew up in a broken, abusive home.  I was given to my step father for adoption...My mother was married and divorced three times, same with my bio dad before his death.  I could never have friends over for play dates or sleepovers because of my alcoholic dad...I did not want my peers to know how I lived....

My entire life growing up, all I dreamed about was marrying a "good" man, having his children, and bringing those kids up in a stable loving environment with parents that loved them, and was involved in their lives...everything I always wanted and craved growing up...stability.

I met John.  He was a good man.  A christian man.  An educated man, a non-drinker, a non-swearer, a non-physical abuser.  He was an educated man, and a hard worker.   I picked him to be the father of my children.  And I do not regret that decision at all.   He is and was the father that every child dreams of having.....

I finally did something right.  I found a father and provider for my "new" family.....My kids would never have to hide their homes from their friends...they would never have to lock their bedroom doors or be in fear of getting beat....they knew their dad would always be home at night and would always have time for them....I gave them the Leave it to Beaver Life.....

But what I did not consider was myself.   I married a man, I did not love....I married a man with a different belief system...I had no ideal marrying a christian man would be so "abusive" in its own right.   I had no ideal what it was going to be like being married to the Holy Spirit.

It was brutal....mentally brutal...I was still being abused in this perfect marriage.   I was still being blamed when the kids acted up,  if they wanted to listen to rock and roll, that was my fault...or when they started getting tattoos, that was my fault...when they were rebellious as teenagers, of course that was my fault.  I was a horrible example for my kids...I was told that over and over, by John, by my mother, by others....

So I failed in the one assignment I ever completed.  I failed to have a family.....

I started life in a broken home, unwanted, shunned and abused....and I am ending up my life in the same way...a broken marriage, unwanted by family, shunned and emotionally abused...

I have come FULL CIRCLE.   

From the moment of conception, I was fighting a losing battle, from the moment of conception, I was doomed.....as much as I tried to do right by my children, I still failed them.

My failures have come full circle.

S, T