DID is bullshit

 Having DID is bullshit.

It doesn't help me at all in understanding myself.

It makes it more difficult to know what is the real me and what is them.

I feel like a single rose, amidst thousands of thorns and each time I move, a thorn cuts me and I bleed.  My alters are thorns.   They have cut and dissected my brain into a million little pieces...I am afraid to move, for all the blood.

I now second guess everything I do or say...did I do that?  did I say that?  did I buy that...

What little self confidence I once had, is now shattered and gone.  How can I be confident in myself, when its not just me?  Who was the confident one?  Certainly not me, Sparrow...I can't do anything right, say anything right, I just get on every ones nerves.  Especially my advocate...it really sucks.  Being alone is the best thing for me/us.  

Every time I open my fucking mouth, just shit comes out.  I irritate my advocate, I know I do, because I am so fucking set in my own ways, everything has to be done a certain way, put in a certain spot,  and things have to be done right away...not in a minute or day or whenever he gets around to it.  It is easier to just try and do chores or whatever myself.  That way I am not pissing anyone off, especially my advocate...I get irritated with myself all fucking day long, imagine the people around me...shit.

What the fuck is my purpose in life?  What the fuck does DID mean in regards to my future?  I only see a future of more heart ache, more confusion, frustration and questions.  I see a future of disaster, a future of even more loneliness, a future of more guilt and shame...My future is not rosy, its black.

I hate this...not a good day.

S