Black out

 I don't know what is wrong with me...I am losing my mind, I guess.

this past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of epic proportions.  My advocate and I have NOT been getting along...at least I have not been getting along with him....I have been pushing all my friends, the precious few I have, away...I have been pushing K away....

When I spoke with my step mom the other day and she told me that my daddy would be "so ashamed of me"...I just snapped....the roller coaster went into deep dive...

A couple of days ago, my world shattered.   One minute K and I are arguing about something,  and the next minute, I am sitting in a hotel room...I am checked into the Hampton Inn and Suites...the fuck???  When I realized, where I was, I immediately went to call K and I did not have my phone...

I finally got ahold of Kevin...I was sure he would be worried about me, but at the same time he knows the squatters will take care of me.

The argument started around 5 pm, I think, then almost 4-5 hours later I am sitting in a hotel room....4-5 hours of not knowing where I have been, what I have been doing, and why am I here???

I am home now, and we are doing better, but evidently our argument escalated to the point where I threw another wine glass and shattered it all over the bedroom door, then I threw Tessa's ring and K's ring across the room...he said I screamed at him to leave and when he wouldn't I did.  I took off in jeep, and ended up at a hotel....

He will not rehash the argument...but it seems it is something we have argued about before...I don't know why I pick fights?  Why?

Is it because I need to be validated as important?   Is it me needing to be reassured that I matter, that I am not a fuck up?  K is the last person on this fucking earth I would want to hurt or push away, but fucking hell, that is exactly what I am doing...

7 is the one that threw the rings and wine glass, 7 is the one that took off in the jeep...but it seems I went to a store and bought wine, so that means Tessa bought the wine and took me to the hotel and checked me in...then finally, Sparrow fronted, me...dumbfounded and astounded I was where I was....But K was right, my alters have been taking care of me along time and know what they are doing.  Tessa got me safely to a nice hotel. 7 and Tessa took care of me...

Sophee, burned my arm, again...but I guess I deserved that.  Sophee got me off the edge and the rest got me to safety.....even though I am perfectly safe in my home,  7 felt that we needed to leave, I guess 7 didn't feel safe because K would not leave...

I hate this.   I hate DID.  It is so scary to suddenly break...to lose time, especially that much time, to end up somewhere and not know how you got there....to not know what happened in the "black out" time...I feel like I am walking on glass...I don't know what I said or did to cause all of this to happen...I hate knowing that my words or their words,  could hurt him....K means everything to me...he is my heart, but 7 takes care of my heart...they are pushing K away, they are pushing my friends away...they are isolating me.

I am so ashamed of myself.  I am ashamed of my DID, and obviously I should be ashamed of my entire new life...my family is.

S, T