DID is bullshit

 Having DID is bullshit.

It doesn't help me at all in understanding myself.

It makes it more difficult to know what is the real me and what is them.

I feel like a single rose, amidst thousands of thorns and each time I move, a thorn cuts me and I bleed.  My alters are thorns.   They have cut and dissected my brain into a million little pieces...I am afraid to move, for all the blood.

I now second guess everything I do or say...did I do that?  did I say that?  did I buy that...

What little self confidence I once had, is now shattered and gone.  How can I be confident in myself, when its not just me?  Who was the confident one?  Certainly not me, Sparrow...I can't do anything right, say anything right, I just get on every ones nerves.  Especially my advocate...it really sucks.  Being alone is the best thing for me/us.  

Every time I open my fucking mouth, just shit comes out.  I irritate my advocate, I know I do, because I am so fucking set in my own ways, everything has to be done a certain way, put in a certain spot,  and things have to be done right away...not in a minute or day or whenever he gets around to it.  It is easier to just try and do chores or whatever myself.  That way I am not pissing anyone off, especially my advocate...I get irritated with myself all fucking day long, imagine the people around me...shit.

What the fuck is my purpose in life?  What the fuck does DID mean in regards to my future?  I only see a future of more heart ache, more confusion, frustration and questions.  I see a future of disaster, a future of even more loneliness, a future of more guilt and shame...My future is not rosy, its black.

I hate this...not a good day.

S

The holidays

 Every holiday season (christmas for the christians), my advocate asks each of my alters what they would like for a holiday gift.

7 wanted a trail camera, which they got.

Ally, toys and doll clothes

Sammy, a disco ball that screws into a lamp and is sound activated.

Sophee, throwing knives and  "brass" knuckles.

Tessa, a plush blue bath robe (her favorite color is blue).

Lilly, and Kaos are the only alters who did not receive anything, as they do not front that much to speak with ...

My advocate got me, Sparrow, a new red pots and pans set (also for Tessa), jeep stuff, a deck of "sexual position" cards...(gag gift).  The trail camera may be for 7, but I am also excited about it as I love critters too.  

The gifts for the alters, can also be enjoyed by the rest of us...

I use to get "jealous" of him getting the alters gifts...they are me, but he buys for them separate of me...its a weird feeling...

I am so thankful for him.  I bought him stuff for his truck.  New vinyl DC floor mats, a DC steering wheel grip, black seat covers, and a black fitted thingy for the sun visor to put his important papers in...Along with a gag gift and a DC pajama bottom for him to wear.  He is easy to shop for, if its Dallas Cowboys, he is happy!

But the biggy gift, is from myself to myself.  I am having a custom grill guard built to put on the front of my jeep.  I am so excited about this as I am so scared of hitting a deer and crunching up the front end of my jeep....Its pricey, but well worth the investment as the deer are crazy and abundant here!

Of course, two of my kids sent me a short "Merry Christmas" text..that's it, no phone calls, no cards, nothing...even though I send them money for their kids, my grandkids, they still can't even find it in themselves to call and speak to me....or even thank me for the money.

My dad, was the only one, and is the only one, that tries and stay in touch with me...the rest of the family could care a less I am gone.  I might as well be dead to them.....oh well, its their fucking loss.

I am so glad christmas is over...now maybe I can breathe again...

S, T, 7

landlord

 So I am so stupid.  Grrrrrrrr....I simply cannot understand computer stuff.  I cannot even understand simple applications to follow on facebook, twitter or any fucking social media account.   I do the stupidest things.....

I can't believe how far I have fallen, intellectually.  In college I had an IQ test and scored 128.  100 being average, 130 being genius.  So I know that at one time I was a very smart woman.

I bet today if I took that same IQ test I would score less than 100,,,I would probably even score less than Forrest Gumps 90.

These goddamn brain tumors in my frontal lobes are stealing my intelligence and reducing me to a retard.

I may deteriorate to the point that my mind is permanently a little child...in intelligence...I will probably start slobbering and wetting my own pants...fuck

I know the alters play a part in my frustration.   They add confusion and loss of time to my already frustrated self.   So I not only have to deal with these fucking brain tumors, I have to deal with them too....no wonder I am a fucking raving lunatic.

I am just a shell of person.  I am only an apartment with each unit filled  to capacity.   The stupid landlord to tumors and alters...

FUCK

S, T, 7

grrrrrrrr

 GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

My recent video on Youtube has gotten tons of views and lots of comments...which is good, I guess.

But what I don't get, what I cannot understand, is that in the video, I expressly said "I am not christian", I explained why.....

Someone left a comment that "God" has a purpose for my life, that all that abuse and suffering happened for a reason...that reason is so that "my suffering" would be an inspiration to others with DID.  

THE FUCK?????  a loving god allowing a small child to be horribly and hideously abused, sexually, emotionally, psychologically and  physically, for 9 years, abuse so horrible it caused my mind to split (for protection) that god had a plan for me 50 yrs later??? So some stranger can "like" a post or video I made???

OMG THE AUDACITY OF CHRISTIANS...WHAT THEY THINK MAY WORK FOR THEM, CERTAINLY IS NOT A "ONE SHOE FITS ALL"...GOD DOES NOT FIT IN MY LIFE...GOD IS A JOKE, A LIE AND A STUPID ASS CONCEPT.

WHY DO CHRISTIANS REFUSE TO HONOR THE WISHES OF NON-CHRISTIANS?  

I certainly don't judge religion...I only judge the Southern Baptist Right wing idiots and hypocrits....I only judge those who try and assert their beliefs on me...

SO ALL YOU CHRISTIANS WHO BELIEVE GOD HAS A PURPOSE AND PLAN FOR MY LIFE...'FUCK YOU'.

s,7,sophee

MY TRUTH, FINALLY

 Okay, so I finally "grew a pair" and told my story on our Sparrowism Youtube channel.

This is the video that I am going to send to my husband to watch....then to my dad and the rest of the family....they do not follow my channel, but once they see my "ballsy" video, I will then share the page channel with them...but NOT until they "see ME!"

As a Witch, I live by the rule "do no harm"...I struggled with making this video because I do not want to harm anyone....but, what about "doing no harm" to myself??????  I have been harming myself since I was a small child...that is all I know.....but now, it is time for me to stop hurting myself, to speak up and tell my truth...no matter what the outcome...If someone is hurt or denies my truth, then FUCK them.  

I am no longer a people pleaser...I am a Sparrow pleaser, and its about fucking time!

It is about time I put myself FIRST and if my family does not like that, then guess what....FUCK THEM AND THEIR SELF RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIAN BELIEFS...

s, 7. 

LISTEN

 I have come to believe that I must speak in some weird foreign language....and all my texts must be in that same language, because NO ONE hears me!

My kids don't answer my texts, I guess they don't speak "foreign"...My advocate just flat ignores my texts and acts like he didn't even get them.....same with my kids......

I do not understand why I constantly get the cold shoulder, or dismissed or whatever...don't I matter?

Doesn't my thoughts, wants or needs matter?  Can't it be about me, just at least a couple of times?

It is always about everyone else, their feelings, wants or needs...my kids, my advocate, my X, and my squatters, so called friends and extended family....

No matter how loud I scream, or how many texts I write, or letters I write...no matter how much I try and please everyone else, no matter how much I put others first, it doesn't matter.   I am never heard...

Obviously because I don't know my own mind...what I "need" is ignored for my betterment.  Everyone thinks they know what is best for me...

I know what is best for me...JUST LISTEN TO ME!  FUCK

S, 7

StarCity Jeepers Parade

I have never been in a parade before...one of the jeep groups I am involved with did a Christmas Parade in Salem VA.  I debated on whether I would participate or not as I do not celebrate "Christmas"...I decided to do it.

My advocate designed the "float" for my Jeep "Bones"...

We decided to put my skeleton on top of the jeep with a smaller skeleton in his lap.  Presents in the front, then wrapped it all up in red lights.

All lit up, it looked badass...It looked like a demon god sitting on a throne of fire!

I loved it!   We are going to do another Toys for Tots neighborhood parade in a week...I look forward to my burning demon god float to be gazed at again!  haha

Here is another pic, taken at the parade..

 

Full Circle

 I grew up in a broken, abusive home.  I was given to my step father for adoption...My mother was married and divorced three times, same with my bio dad before his death.  I could never have friends over for play dates or sleepovers because of my alcoholic dad...I did not want my peers to know how I lived....

My entire life growing up, all I dreamed about was marrying a "good" man, having his children, and bringing those kids up in a stable loving environment with parents that loved them, and was involved in their lives...everything I always wanted and craved growing up...stability.

I met John.  He was a good man.  A christian man.  An educated man, a non-drinker, a non-swearer, a non-physical abuser.  He was an educated man, and a hard worker.   I picked him to be the father of my children.  And I do not regret that decision at all.   He is and was the father that every child dreams of having.....

I finally did something right.  I found a father and provider for my "new" family.....My kids would never have to hide their homes from their friends...they would never have to lock their bedroom doors or be in fear of getting beat....they knew their dad would always be home at night and would always have time for them....I gave them the Leave it to Beaver Life.....

But what I did not consider was myself.   I married a man, I did not love....I married a man with a different belief system...I had no ideal marrying a christian man would be so "abusive" in its own right.   I had no ideal what it was going to be like being married to the Holy Spirit.

It was brutal....mentally brutal...I was still being abused in this perfect marriage.   I was still being blamed when the kids acted up,  if they wanted to listen to rock and roll, that was my fault...or when they started getting tattoos, that was my fault...when they were rebellious as teenagers, of course that was my fault.  I was a horrible example for my kids...I was told that over and over, by John, by my mother, by others....

So I failed in the one assignment I ever completed.  I failed to have a family.....

I started life in a broken home, unwanted, shunned and abused....and I am ending up my life in the same way...a broken marriage, unwanted by family, shunned and emotionally abused...

I have come FULL CIRCLE.   

From the moment of conception, I was fighting a losing battle, from the moment of conception, I was doomed.....as much as I tried to do right by my children, I still failed them.

My failures have come full circle.

S, T

Black out

 I don't know what is wrong with me...I am losing my mind, I guess.

this past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of epic proportions.  My advocate and I have NOT been getting along...at least I have not been getting along with him....I have been pushing all my friends, the precious few I have, away...I have been pushing K away....

When I spoke with my step mom the other day and she told me that my daddy would be "so ashamed of me"...I just snapped....the roller coaster went into deep dive...

A couple of days ago, my world shattered.   One minute K and I are arguing about something,  and the next minute, I am sitting in a hotel room...I am checked into the Hampton Inn and Suites...the fuck???  When I realized, where I was, I immediately went to call K and I did not have my phone...

I finally got ahold of Kevin...I was sure he would be worried about me, but at the same time he knows the squatters will take care of me.

The argument started around 5 pm, I think, then almost 4-5 hours later I am sitting in a hotel room....4-5 hours of not knowing where I have been, what I have been doing, and why am I here???

I am home now, and we are doing better, but evidently our argument escalated to the point where I threw another wine glass and shattered it all over the bedroom door, then I threw Tessa's ring and K's ring across the room...he said I screamed at him to leave and when he wouldn't I did.  I took off in jeep, and ended up at a hotel....

He will not rehash the argument...but it seems it is something we have argued about before...I don't know why I pick fights?  Why?

Is it because I need to be validated as important?   Is it me needing to be reassured that I matter, that I am not a fuck up?  K is the last person on this fucking earth I would want to hurt or push away, but fucking hell, that is exactly what I am doing...

7 is the one that threw the rings and wine glass, 7 is the one that took off in the jeep...but it seems I went to a store and bought wine, so that means Tessa bought the wine and took me to the hotel and checked me in...then finally, Sparrow fronted, me...dumbfounded and astounded I was where I was....But K was right, my alters have been taking care of me along time and know what they are doing.  Tessa got me safely to a nice hotel. 7 and Tessa took care of me...

Sophee, burned my arm, again...but I guess I deserved that.  Sophee got me off the edge and the rest got me to safety.....even though I am perfectly safe in my home,  7 felt that we needed to leave, I guess 7 didn't feel safe because K would not leave...

I hate this.   I hate DID.  It is so scary to suddenly break...to lose time, especially that much time, to end up somewhere and not know how you got there....to not know what happened in the "black out" time...I feel like I am walking on glass...I don't know what I said or did to cause all of this to happen...I hate knowing that my words or their words,  could hurt him....K means everything to me...he is my heart, but 7 takes care of my heart...they are pushing K away, they are pushing my friends away...they are isolating me.

I am so ashamed of myself.  I am ashamed of my DID, and obviously I should be ashamed of my entire new life...my family is.

S, T