The figurine

 So yesterday a weird thing happened....

My advocate was cleaning my TV screen and he accidently knocked a figurine I had to the ground and it broke.

It was a total accident....

But,  I saw him do it, I saw it fall to the ground and break, then I was suddenly VERY far away,  my body started trembling and I felt stark terror....I couldn't move, I couldn't breath, I was barely conscious...I remember my advocate saying to me over and over "it was an accident, you didn't do it...its okay...it was an accident....." but his words were very far away...sounding like a whisper...

But somewhere deep in my brain, I was frozen...waiting for the yelling and beating that was sure to come because I was "careless" and broke a figurine....even though I kept hearing "it was an accident, its okay..." I could here his words, but they wouldn't compute in my brain....

I believe I was co-fronting with Ally.   As a child, if anything broke, whether I did it or not, I was the one to get into trouble...it was always my fault....I had more beatings for things I didn't do, than for things I did do....

My mind was screaming "You careless stupid idiot....that cost money...how are you going to replace this?....you disgust me, we can never have anything nice in this house because of you....worthless stupid stupid careless piece of shit.......go to your room....

Go to my room, meant wait until your dad gets home....it was a death sentence.....because he would come home drunk, then beat the ever loving shit out of me....a small child who did nothing wrong....

My parents looked for any excuse to hit me, or demean me....

So, even now, in reality...the figurine was glued back and is back in its spot, no big deal, an accident...my adult mind knows this...

But still, deep down, I feel sick inside, I feel useless, dumb and stupid.

I dreamed about being beat by my dad last night...I could hear his screams, and I could feel the blows....I woke up sweating and my heart was racing and I had tears in my eyes....

THIS IS FUCKING DID....THIS IS WHY I CAN NEVER BE NORMAL...MY MIND WON'T LET ME.

THIS IS MY SORRY LIFE.

S, sophee