retreat

 The best thing for me to do is keep quiet.  When I open my mouth to say anything,  I sound so stupid and naïve.   I am so uneducated and ignorant to what is going on in todays world.  I am tired of my advocate always having to explain things to me as if I were a child...I am tired of being around someone who is so fucking smart...makes me feel even more stupid than I already am.

I live in a treehouse, isolated from the world, isolated from people...

Yesterday I decided to do everything I could to "please the squatters" in my head.

I painted my nails for Sammy

I fed birds for 7 and Ally

Got a pretzel, for Sammy

I let Tessa run with almost everything....and at the end of the day, I was lost...I lost so much time letting them have their day...AND it left me exhausted and irritable.  

7 wants to learn how to write and spell better..they want to learn to tell time and learn the days of the week and months of a year...why?

So they can front more often?  7, Tessa and Ally want more time out, and that means less time for me.....so that means I will "sleep" my life away, letting them do their thing....

No wonder I am so ignorant and stupid on day to day things, politics, and world events...

No wonder I get so angry so easy....I am losing Sparrow to them....

I know they have always been there, but at the time, I had no ideal, and what you don't know can't hurt you....but now I know....and knowing this about the squatters does not help....it makes me more insecure and self-conscious about myself...it makes me want to retreat into my own shell, my apartment and live in solitary.

In all the jeep groups, I don't feel welcome, I feel like I don't belong, as much as some of them try and include me, I still feel "weird" and "unacceptable"....maybe its because if I get really involved they will find out about my DID and squatters and they will reject me or make fun of me....

maybe this is 7 trying to get me away from those groups, maybe 7 is trying to sabotage the group and put thoughts in my head that aren't true so I will leave before they hurt me....fuck...

So I think it is time for me to retreat back into myself, to be quiet, and mind my own business.

Just me, them, boomer and my critters.

S,7