realization

 Oh my god...I am such a girl.  I wish I was happy with myself, but what woman is?

Every time I post a pic of myself on facebook or instagram I look so old.  My neck is saggy and wrinkled and my face is getting more wrinkled and old looking...well fuck I am 60.

But in my head I am still young....I still want to be young, I want to act young, I want to look young....I hate what I look like in pictures...pictures don't lie, and they are telling me, I am an old wrinkled up crone.

I am thinking about getting a neck lift, but fuck....

Those pictures I post only remind me of my age and how much closer I am to death.....fuck

I don't see what my advocate sees in me...he always tells me I am beautiful...which is sweet of him, but simply not true.   But it is a sweet lie coming from him.

I am the epitome of an old person...I am up before 6 am every morning and in bed by 8 pm, only old people have those sleep patterns....

I hate that my old broken down body betrays me....

I want to be young and vibrant, but that wish has passed me by....

I guess it is time to accept the fact that I am no longer a beautiful young athletic woman, but an old washed out senior adult.  fuck.

I don't want to be old....I don't want my body breaking down...I want to be as young as 4 of my alters are....fuck

I hate mirrors...I hate pictures...I hate my birthday....everyday that passes, is one day closer to death...and for old people like me, that could be any fucking day....

There comes a day in everyone's life where they wake up one morning and realize they are no longer young and vibrant, but old and wrinkled and broken down...

That was me this morning....it is time for me to act my age.  No more trying to be young, to look young, to act young...

This is me:  an elderly woman, a senior adult, a grandma, a woman at the end of her life....

S, T