no-win

 It's no secret that the holiday season is fucking hard for me...I will not go into that again....

This season, I am trying my best to just be thankful.

I am thankful that I have an advocate who is not only my supporter, but my friend and partner.    I am so thankful that no matter what I throw at him, he still sticks around.

But, the holiday season holds precocious few positive memories for me...especially growing up as a child, teenager, adult, wife, mother, memaw....in fact the most "good" memories are of my grandchildren....

I love that my advocate has not only included me in the season, but my squatters....how did I get so blessed?  What is it about me, Sparrow, that he has so much faith in?

I love him, for sure, but love is just love, no big deal...I love dogs too, I love my grandkids, my kids, my apartment, my jeep...love is nothing more than a four letter word...but he stays by my side....gotta be more than just love...I have yet to figure that out...

But the holiday season is about families, religion, giving, and receiving, and the almighty dollar...the holiday season is not for me...I show my love, my religion, my giving all through out the year...saving it for the winter months is just fucking stupid....

I really hate that my advocate puts so much into the christmas season...he buys me and the squatters "holiday gifts", which just pressures me into getting him gifts......I mean I get him gifts all year long, and the holiday season is not a good financial time for me...so the pressure is on...and I have to get a gift for his son too, along with my own grandkids.....then my facebook girlfriends all buying me a gift puts the pressure on me to buy them gifts too, when  the holiday season repulses me....I absolutely hate the commercialism of the holiday season, buy buy fucking buy.....

I thought leaving Christianity and embracing paganism would exonerate me from the fucking christian holiday of christmas...HOW WRONG I WAS....

If I don't participate in this stupid holiday, then I am wrong, the freak, the satanist...the unloving grandma, mam, girlfriend, friend...the selfish bitch...

Its a NO WIN SITUATION FOR ME, FOR A PAGAN.

s, 7