No voice

 I feel so lost inside.   Every time I try and convey my "thoughts", "needs" or "desires" they fall on deaf ears.  It is like I am speaking french or something...

My advocate and I had a "fight" if you will...a disagreement, I guess,  when we are face to face, I cannot speak what is on my mind...my head seizes up and I just can't convey what I need to convey, so I will text him instead...because a text, I don't have to see the anger or whatever in his eyes...

Texting is a safe place for me to vent...like here.

However,  even texted what I need to say or explain, still falls on deaf ears.  Its like he only skims over it, usually because it pisses him off when I send long texts...I guess my texts are confusing and mixed up and make no fucking sense.

Then when we do talk about the "issue" I texted about...I end up feeling like a fucking fool....I feel stupid and ignorant for even feeling or saying what I said....I have to say I am sorry....and of course, I am always wrong....always.

My entire life, when I speak up, I am dashed,  what I have to say, is insignificant and irrelevant I have no voice.

Even now, I have no voice.....I have no way to convey what is in my head to anybody...because EVERY DAMN THING I SAY sounds stupid and convoluted, or messed up.....

My advocate is always right, and I am always wrong....story of my life...so,  I have to accept the fact that "I don't matter in the scheme of things...my feelings or desires or whatever just flat do not matter...its all about the squatters...don't want to upset them.

So I am lost in a sea of personalities I DO NOT WANT.  I am forever doomed to be stupid and inconsequential. 

My voice is now gone...I will do as I am told, a good little girl.

SPARROW