grief, anger and rage

 I have so much rage inside....I have so much grief...they both go hand in hand...

I am so sad that I did not have a childhood...I am so sad that I now have to live and try to navigate a life with DID.   

They are times when I get so fucking angry at having alters...I feel they have ruined my life, more so than just the abuse as a child...now as an adult I feel I am still being abused, but now by the squatters.

The other day, my grief turned into rage...I destroyed Ally's room and toys at K's house...I came home and completely packed away everything that belongs to the squatters...in my head, out of sight out of mind...

Those items trigger the squatters...."I got this" is my mantra now....but having that mantra is not helping,..I feel sick inside....dead inside....

Everytime I go into a rage and destroy something, my advocate quietly cleans up my mess....this in itself angers me...its my mess, I should be the one to clean it up...he is protecting the squatters...I guess he is protecting me, since they all live in my head.

I feel so out of control....

I know the holiday season brings out the worst in me...it brings out my depression and anger and rage...It brings out a very ugly side of me, us.

The hypocrisy of the season disgusts me.   

Having DID disgusts me.

I disgust me, us.

S