"change is good"???

 I moved out of the bedroom of my husband some 15 years before I left him.  I blamed his snoring, so I got my own room...

Now in Virginia, I again have my own room.  When my advocate stays over, he sleeps on my couch...

I cannot sleep anymore with anyone in the bed with me...I guess I am so stuck in my ways about that....plus it is so hard for me to sleep as any little thing can wake me up, so sleeping alone, eliminates others noises...

I have tried to sleep in the same bed with my advocate, it just isn't happening...he snores,  he has a cpap machine but still, I can't share a bed, ever...

And this depresses me,  to me, that says "see, you are truly alone"...it is yet another failure on my part....

I cannot live with anyone, I cannot sleep in the same bed with anyone,  I truly am alone in every sense of the word...

I think being "alone" is good for the alters.  They don't have to hide or pretend to be me, they don't have to worry about the "bad man" coming through the door.  My apartment is just as much theirs as it is mine, and that is a good thing...but.....they are isolating me even more.

They want me to be alone.  I truly believe that, because if I am alone, then I am not being hurt or abused in any way...I am safe, they are safe.  If I weren't alone, then they would not feel safe.

But I miss the closeness of sleeping with someone, I miss the companionship of a live- in roommate.    

Because of my legal separation decree, I cannot have a roommate.  To keep my spousal support, I have to be living alone...If I divorce him, I lose my health insurance, I can't afford that.

Fuck, John is keeping me lonely from 1000 miles away, he is still hurting me by his rules...fuck.  

My advocate and I see each other almost everyday, but he has his own place and his own responsibilities to consider, so he needs to spend time at his place with his cat.  Sleep in his own bed and do his own thing too.   I feel like I place too many demands on him with my neediness, and the alters.

I stayed at his place last night, and he slept on his couch....fuck....I am too much of an early to bed person, and he is a night owl.  I get up way to early in the morning and he likes to sleep in....we are just not right for each other in the living together department.  Or the sleeping together department.

It is dumb of me to be at his place and want to go to bed for the night at 7-8 pm, when he wants to stay up, then I take his bed and he ends up on the couch...I would sleep on the couch but his wall mate is so fucking noisy I would never get to sleep...so I take the bed and Kevin is sanctioned to the couch...fuck....

I feel I have taken over his apartment.  I have single handedly changed so much of his decor and furniture, had him get rid of so much stuff, bought him new up to date things, helped him clean out his kitchen and everything else...Ally has taken over his office/dining room with her toys...I put clocks up everywhere,  just trying to make his place more "DC" friendly for a bachelor.  But,  I feel he might be a little put out by it.  He tends to be a hoarder, and does not like getting rid of stuff...and I don't believe in keeping stuff forever...

Now, I have taken over his bedroom when I stay over....fuck...that apartment is his and Giz's...I had/have no right trying to change his decor or his way of living....I thought I was doing a good thing, but sometimes the look in his eye tells me different.  

He accepts most of the change I suggest, but I feel he does that to placate me, but deep down he doesn't really want change.  I get that, I believe that is a man thing, as my husband felt exactly the same about change.  If it ain't broke don't fix it....mentality.

I think I threw myself into his apartment, because I had nothing to do, nowhere to go, and needed to be busy and feel productive and like I was bettering his life...but really, I was just being selfish.

I need to apologize to him.   I am not trying to change him, seriously only update him...but he resists change, he does it, but he doesn't like it.

Just like the dangling keys on his belt....Those keys trigger me negatively along with Sammy and Ally, yet he still wears them, and I have to take them off him myself....

He has been wearing those keys like that his whole life, just like his father before him, and who the fuck am I to insist he take those keys off?  That is Kevin.  Somehow, I have to learn to ignore those keys and not let them trigger me, and I am trying to figure out how to do that...

Because I can no longer nag him about taking them off, nor is it my place to reach over and unhook them.  Those are his keys, not mine.

There are just too many rules that go with trying to have a relationship with me and my fucking alters....it is not fair to demand someone to change because I am stuck in time.....not fair to Kevin or anybody else.

Kevin has told me over and over "he hates women".  I know his history with women and have tried not to be "that" type of woman, but when push comes to shove, I am just like all the other women in his life, controlling, nagging, forcing change, etc....and full of emotional baggage.

I was always told "change is good", for me, it is.  But not for everyone else, especially my advocate.  

So I need to change my "change is good" philosophy to, keep things "status quo".  I will work on that.

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