battle

 So I watched a video by the CTAD clinic.  It was about taking care of trauma triggers without the alters doing the leg work.

And example, if the kitchen needs to be clean, I usually let Tessa do it...she does it automatically if I am not in the mood....so now, when the kitchen is dirty, I am to say out loud "I got this, I don't need your help"...go away Tessa....

I am to start talking to my alters out loud.  Telling them I am safe and I got this....hoping they will back away and let me grow a new set of balls......

If I start talking out loud to those squatters, then I am going to sound schizophrenic...like I am talking to the voices in my head...yet I have no voices in my head, just thoughts and feelings...

I am going to appear even more fucking crazy talking randomly out loud to no one.....

If I experience something that is a trigger...I am suppose to stop the trigger by saying "I am safe, I got this"....even though what is triggering me is usually terrifying.....go away 7, go away Sophee, go away Lilly....

My brain has been working one way my whole fucking life....now I have to retrain my brain...at fucking 60yrs old???  

What If I don't want to do this?   I am finally comfortable in my own skin, in my own home, far away from the unsafe place....why do I have to change?  Why do I have to try and get rid of a system I have had forever, a system that works for me....why?

Why do I have to try and get all these squatters to fall in line and fall back...It is so depressing to even think of doing such a thing....even now, I feel conflicted, and enormously sad...its like they know I am trying to push them away.....but Kevin has made that so hard for me to do, by him embracing the alters, buying them gifts, respecting them and interacting with them, he has given them more life...WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY WANT TO FALL BACK NOW???? They are taking my life and running with it, now if I try and fight them, by saying "go away, I got this, I am safe, blah blah blah" then it causes intense battles in my brain.  The squatters are revolting...they want their life too, they don't want to be pushed away or packed away.

I am at war with my head....The battle in my mind is gonna get bloody....

S, Sophee