Sorry

 I am sorry, I”m sorry, sorry, sorry sorry sorry sorry..

I am sorry I put up the decorations on my advocates tree.   I thought it would be a nice surprise, but he didn’t even notice till I pointed it out that I had done that.   Instead of “wow, thank you “, I got “I don’t get to put on any decorations?”   Epic fail.

So much for trying to surprise him and help him out.   I will never do that again.   

I am sorry that I even went over there to his apartment. I should have taken a clue when he was not happy with the “gag” ornaments I got for his tree.  Those ornaments are now on my sorry little tree.

I hate my family.  I hate my life.   I simply cannot do anything right.   I cannot be happy.   I am tired of the fucking ridicule and condemnation I get from family members.   .  When I try to explain something to ANYONE it falls on deaf ears.  Everyone only hears what they want to hear.   I have literally no goddamn fucking voice.   

When I speak, I am not heard.  I am only paid lip service.   Every one thinks it’s there place to judge me…

Even my advocate is angry at me for being angry and upset.   I mean after all I have no fucking business being upset..I brought everything on myself.  I have been instrumental in fucking up every bodies lives…

I am a home wrecker, an interloper and a fucking sorry excuse for a human, wife, mother, grandmother, friend, girlfriend and even pet owner.

So I am sorry, sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry…

But mostly I am so sorry and I fucking apologize for ever being born and fucking up my family.

S

grief, anger and rage

 I have so much rage inside....I have so much grief...they both go hand in hand...

I am so sad that I did not have a childhood...I am so sad that I now have to live and try to navigate a life with DID.   

They are times when I get so fucking angry at having alters...I feel they have ruined my life, more so than just the abuse as a child...now as an adult I feel I am still being abused, but now by the squatters.

The other day, my grief turned into rage...I destroyed Ally's room and toys at K's house...I came home and completely packed away everything that belongs to the squatters...in my head, out of sight out of mind...

Those items trigger the squatters...."I got this" is my mantra now....but having that mantra is not helping,..I feel sick inside....dead inside....

Everytime I go into a rage and destroy something, my advocate quietly cleans up my mess....this in itself angers me...its my mess, I should be the one to clean it up...he is protecting the squatters...I guess he is protecting me, since they all live in my head.

I feel so out of control....

I know the holiday season brings out the worst in me...it brings out my depression and anger and rage...It brings out a very ugly side of me, us.

The hypocrisy of the season disgusts me.   

Having DID disgusts me.

I disgust me, us.

S

No voice

 I feel so lost inside.   Every time I try and convey my "thoughts", "needs" or "desires" they fall on deaf ears.  It is like I am speaking french or something...

My advocate and I had a "fight" if you will...a disagreement, I guess,  when we are face to face, I cannot speak what is on my mind...my head seizes up and I just can't convey what I need to convey, so I will text him instead...because a text, I don't have to see the anger or whatever in his eyes...

Texting is a safe place for me to vent...like here.

However,  even texted what I need to say or explain, still falls on deaf ears.  Its like he only skims over it, usually because it pisses him off when I send long texts...I guess my texts are confusing and mixed up and make no fucking sense.

Then when we do talk about the "issue" I texted about...I end up feeling like a fucking fool....I feel stupid and ignorant for even feeling or saying what I said....I have to say I am sorry....and of course, I am always wrong....always.

My entire life, when I speak up, I am dashed,  what I have to say, is insignificant and irrelevant I have no voice.

Even now, I have no voice.....I have no way to convey what is in my head to anybody...because EVERY DAMN THING I SAY sounds stupid and convoluted, or messed up.....

My advocate is always right, and I am always wrong....story of my life...so,  I have to accept the fact that "I don't matter in the scheme of things...my feelings or desires or whatever just flat do not matter...its all about the squatters...don't want to upset them.

So I am lost in a sea of personalities I DO NOT WANT.  I am forever doomed to be stupid and inconsequential. 

My voice is now gone...I will do as I am told, a good little girl.

SPARROW

battle

 So I watched a video by the CTAD clinic.  It was about taking care of trauma triggers without the alters doing the leg work.

And example, if the kitchen needs to be clean, I usually let Tessa do it...she does it automatically if I am not in the mood....so now, when the kitchen is dirty, I am to say out loud "I got this, I don't need your help"...go away Tessa....

I am to start talking to my alters out loud.  Telling them I am safe and I got this....hoping they will back away and let me grow a new set of balls......

If I start talking out loud to those squatters, then I am going to sound schizophrenic...like I am talking to the voices in my head...yet I have no voices in my head, just thoughts and feelings...

I am going to appear even more fucking crazy talking randomly out loud to no one.....

If I experience something that is a trigger...I am suppose to stop the trigger by saying "I am safe, I got this"....even though what is triggering me is usually terrifying.....go away 7, go away Sophee, go away Lilly....

My brain has been working one way my whole fucking life....now I have to retrain my brain...at fucking 60yrs old???  

What If I don't want to do this?   I am finally comfortable in my own skin, in my own home, far away from the unsafe place....why do I have to change?  Why do I have to try and get rid of a system I have had forever, a system that works for me....why?

Why do I have to try and get all these squatters to fall in line and fall back...It is so depressing to even think of doing such a thing....even now, I feel conflicted, and enormously sad...its like they know I am trying to push them away.....but Kevin has made that so hard for me to do, by him embracing the alters, buying them gifts, respecting them and interacting with them, he has given them more life...WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY WANT TO FALL BACK NOW???? They are taking my life and running with it, now if I try and fight them, by saying "go away, I got this, I am safe, blah blah blah" then it causes intense battles in my brain.  The squatters are revolting...they want their life too, they don't want to be pushed away or packed away.

I am at war with my head....The battle in my mind is gonna get bloody....

S, Sophee

realization

 Oh my god...I am such a girl.  I wish I was happy with myself, but what woman is?

Every time I post a pic of myself on facebook or instagram I look so old.  My neck is saggy and wrinkled and my face is getting more wrinkled and old looking...well fuck I am 60.

But in my head I am still young....I still want to be young, I want to act young, I want to look young....I hate what I look like in pictures...pictures don't lie, and they are telling me, I am an old wrinkled up crone.

I am thinking about getting a neck lift, but fuck....

Those pictures I post only remind me of my age and how much closer I am to death.....fuck

I don't see what my advocate sees in me...he always tells me I am beautiful...which is sweet of him, but simply not true.   But it is a sweet lie coming from him.

I am the epitome of an old person...I am up before 6 am every morning and in bed by 8 pm, only old people have those sleep patterns....

I hate that my old broken down body betrays me....

I want to be young and vibrant, but that wish has passed me by....

I guess it is time to accept the fact that I am no longer a beautiful young athletic woman, but an old washed out senior adult.  fuck.

I don't want to be old....I don't want my body breaking down...I want to be as young as 4 of my alters are....fuck

I hate mirrors...I hate pictures...I hate my birthday....everyday that passes, is one day closer to death...and for old people like me, that could be any fucking day....

There comes a day in everyone's life where they wake up one morning and realize they are no longer young and vibrant, but old and wrinkled and broken down...

That was me this morning....it is time for me to act my age.  No more trying to be young, to look young, to act young...

This is me:  an elderly woman, a senior adult, a grandma, a woman at the end of her life....

S, T

no-win

 It's no secret that the holiday season is fucking hard for me...I will not go into that again....

This season, I am trying my best to just be thankful.

I am thankful that I have an advocate who is not only my supporter, but my friend and partner.    I am so thankful that no matter what I throw at him, he still sticks around.

But, the holiday season holds precocious few positive memories for me...especially growing up as a child, teenager, adult, wife, mother, memaw....in fact the most "good" memories are of my grandchildren....

I love that my advocate has not only included me in the season, but my squatters....how did I get so blessed?  What is it about me, Sparrow, that he has so much faith in?

I love him, for sure, but love is just love, no big deal...I love dogs too, I love my grandkids, my kids, my apartment, my jeep...love is nothing more than a four letter word...but he stays by my side....gotta be more than just love...I have yet to figure that out...

But the holiday season is about families, religion, giving, and receiving, and the almighty dollar...the holiday season is not for me...I show my love, my religion, my giving all through out the year...saving it for the winter months is just fucking stupid....

I really hate that my advocate puts so much into the christmas season...he buys me and the squatters "holiday gifts", which just pressures me into getting him gifts......I mean I get him gifts all year long, and the holiday season is not a good financial time for me...so the pressure is on...and I have to get a gift for his son too, along with my own grandkids.....then my facebook girlfriends all buying me a gift puts the pressure on me to buy them gifts too, when  the holiday season repulses me....I absolutely hate the commercialism of the holiday season, buy buy fucking buy.....

I thought leaving Christianity and embracing paganism would exonerate me from the fucking christian holiday of christmas...HOW WRONG I WAS....

If I don't participate in this stupid holiday, then I am wrong, the freak, the satanist...the unloving grandma, mam, girlfriend, friend...the selfish bitch...

Its a NO WIN SITUATION FOR ME, FOR A PAGAN.

s, 7 

falling down

 So last night I had the weirdest dream,  I dreamed that I kept falling down...

In one part of the dream I was walking across a stage and fell down, in my dream I was so embarrassed and horrified...I felt like I weighed 500 pounds when I was trying to get back on my feet...I was too heavy...

Then I was walking in a store, and again I fell down, again I couldn't get up and I was horrified that people were looking at me, yet no one tried to help me up...they just walked by me and stared....

The last I remember of my dream,  I remember looking at my legs and thinking "why can't I get up?"   I was so frustrated,  and in my dream I started to cry....

that is when I woke up.   

I don't know what that dream was all about, but I do know that lately I have been struggling with so many emotions,  I have been struggling with my identity...I have been struggling with guilt and shame....

Guilt over my thoughts, shame over my actions....Maybe the dream of falling down all the time, is just my brain falling down.

S, T

Squat-moochers

 What is a "Squatter"?

               "a person or persons who unlawfully occupies an uninhabited building or unused land."

This is what I call my alters, Squatters.   They are squatting in my brain without permission.  They are using my property to take over...

Maybe when I was a very small child, I gave them permission to be in my brain, to protect me against the abuse....but once the abuse was over, they were no longer welcome....but instead of them leaving, they went dormant, they hid from me....waiting....for the moment they can take over....

They quietly went to their rooms in my brain and regrouped.  They no longer needed to protect me, but they did not want to leave either, so now they are slowly taking me over...I am losing Sparrow...

They are  manipulating my advocate for their own identities.  

Ally, for example, has her own fucking room at his place...she has toys everywhere and a huge dollhouse that takes up space in my own bedroom....

7, now wants to learn how to write better, they want to learn time and dates, days of the week, etc...why?????????

Tessa, takes over my mind and does all the tasks, that I, Sparrow, should be doing...she has pushed me to the side, because she can do it better....

Sammy puts me to sleep so she can play her music really loud and dance and do her thing...

I am so fucking tired of sharing my brain, sharing my "home" to seven personalities that are not fucking welcome.  Not anymore.  They do nothing to "pay their way".....they take advantage of me and my Advocate...they  destroy what few friendships I have, they do their level best to keep me isolated so they can do what they want...

I hate the way they make me feel....I hate the thoughts they put in my head...I hate the things they do when I am "asleep"....I hate losing hours everyday,  I feel like I am their hostage.

They keep me tied up and gagged much of the time, they shut me up in a dark room, they put ear plugs in my ears and they cover my eyes...

I have been kidnapped by a bunch of squatters....so what is the ransom they are asking for?  No ransom, they are just cruel and enjoy fucking me up....

My advocate would disagree with me 100%...He thinks the alters are a good thing....that they saved me....maybe they did, back in the day...but I don't need them to save me anymore....I am no longer in an unsafe place, I am safe and secure...I don't need or want them...

I can't afford the massive amount of money that going to "therapy" and trying to "fuse" them all together...I am too fucking old to spend what few last years I have on earth going to therapy and trying to get rid of them...it's too late.

It is too late for me to have a normal life....it is too late for therapy, it is just too late.   I am stuck with squatters....I am stuck with them mooching my life away...I am forever a freak, a monster....

I just try to get through each day...I mark off days on my calendar...each day marked off, is one day closer to finally being rid of the squatters...one day closer to finally being rid of me...

Maybe I should call the alters "moochers" instead of "squatters"...or better yet "squat-moochers"...Yep, that's it.

One day, the squat-moochers will totally take over and I will be put to sleep forever...after all, isn't that what they are working towards??

Evicting me from my own mind?

S

The Interloper

 Interloper:  A person who becomes involved in a place or situation where they are not wanted or are considered to not belong.

I believe I am an interloper.   I have insinuated my life to others.  

I broke up my advocate and his girlfriend.   I came between them.  She certainly would agree that I was an "interloper" in their relationship.

I totally upended my advocates life.   I insinuated my life totally into his.  

I have a friend, actually she was Kevins friend first...she is kevin's old girlfriends friend.    I saw on her page where she was sharing a "friendsversary" on facebook with the old girlfriend.  They talked about being family and besties.....

How can I be friends with her when she is friends with the woman I came between....by me trying to be in her life, I am putting her in an awkward position...she has to balance being my friend (but she really doesn't) and still be friends with the other woman.  

She was friends with the other lady WAYYY before I came along...I have seen her comments on pics of Kevin and the other woman.  She loved Kevin and her being together.   Then I came along and BOOM..they are not together anymore....

THE INTERLOPER

I completely destroyed a relationship and a friendship as now she has to pick sides or be neutral she has to listen to stories about me and Kevin, all the while, knowing the stories of Kevin and the other lady.

NOT FAIR OF ME.....I CANNOT TAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S FRIEND...

Her first loyalty is Kevin and the other lady....I am secondary, I am the interloper.....

I realize now the situation I am placing on my friend...it can't be comfortable for her...what if she has coffee or visits with this other woman...she has to stay mum on Kevin and me, so as to not hurt the other woman...then when she is talking with me, she has to stay mum on the other woman....she is in an impossible situation.

But I can make her situation better.  I can back away.

and I will.

I am not friend material.  I have never been friend material and I never will be....

My birth was literally an "interloping"....I was not wanted, I was a interloper in my own family.  I know this.

My squatters are interlopers in my head.   They are not wanted or needed...they are nothing but a nuisance and an aggravation..

So today, this is my creed:

                You are not wanted in friendships, stay away

                 You don't belong in any jeep groups, stay away

                 You don't belong mingling with others in public, stay away

                 You are alone, stay that way.

I refuse to assert myself on anybody else.   I am retreating into my head...I will be silent....I will not "interlope" on anybody's relationships,  I will not do it anymore. 

I will be the direct opposite of "Interloper".  

S, 7, sophee

retreat

 The best thing for me to do is keep quiet.  When I open my mouth to say anything,  I sound so stupid and naïve.   I am so uneducated and ignorant to what is going on in todays world.  I am tired of my advocate always having to explain things to me as if I were a child...I am tired of being around someone who is so fucking smart...makes me feel even more stupid than I already am.

I live in a treehouse, isolated from the world, isolated from people...

Yesterday I decided to do everything I could to "please the squatters" in my head.

I painted my nails for Sammy

I fed birds for 7 and Ally

Got a pretzel, for Sammy

I let Tessa run with almost everything....and at the end of the day, I was lost...I lost so much time letting them have their day...AND it left me exhausted and irritable.  

7 wants to learn how to write and spell better..they want to learn to tell time and learn the days of the week and months of a year...why?

So they can front more often?  7, Tessa and Ally want more time out, and that means less time for me.....so that means I will "sleep" my life away, letting them do their thing....

No wonder I am so ignorant and stupid on day to day things, politics, and world events...

No wonder I get so angry so easy....I am losing Sparrow to them....

I know they have always been there, but at the time, I had no ideal, and what you don't know can't hurt you....but now I know....and knowing this about the squatters does not help....it makes me more insecure and self-conscious about myself...it makes me want to retreat into my own shell, my apartment and live in solitary.

In all the jeep groups, I don't feel welcome, I feel like I don't belong, as much as some of them try and include me, I still feel "weird" and "unacceptable"....maybe its because if I get really involved they will find out about my DID and squatters and they will reject me or make fun of me....

maybe this is 7 trying to get me away from those groups, maybe 7 is trying to sabotage the group and put thoughts in my head that aren't true so I will leave before they hurt me....fuck...

So I think it is time for me to retreat back into myself, to be quiet, and mind my own business.

Just me, them, boomer and my critters.

S,7

Last Will and Testament

 When I split with my husband, I received half of his retirement money.  It was alot,  but in order to have the money, I had to have it transferred to another IRA type investment.   But the investment firm said, I had to have a Last Will and Testament.  So I threw together a Will.

Since then, I have changed my name and made different decisions about my assets.  

I am rewriting my will.   

Its a strange thing, thinking about "who gets what"...will they love and treasure and take care of what I leave them? or will they just fuck it away......

I know a Last Will and Testament is needed, for everyone, but actually seriously filling one out is another story.

There are so many more things to think about...namely, my alters.  How do they feel about me giving away their things???  

I have felt really "out of it" about this Will.  

Am I making the right decisions?  Will my Last Will and Testament cause anger with my family?  

I am leaving nothing, money wise, for my three kids.  In their life, the decisions they made, the bad decisions, and all the money we spent on their "legal bills", "school bills", and other things we did for them, eating loans that we cosigned for them, etc....as far as I am concerned they have already spent their inheritance.

The money instead will be put into a trust for my grandkids.  

This may piss them off....especially Garys wife who is a fucking horrible money hungry bitch...but I don't care.

It is MY money and I can do with it what I want...if I spend it all before I die, then NO ONE GETS MONEY!!!

If John decides to give the kids his money, then that is his choice.  He gives it all away to the church anyway...dumb fuck.

I had a very restless sleep last night, I dreamed alot....I think I was fretting about this Will and my decisions all night...

I also have this fear that once my Will is all written and notarized, then I will die.........

I am preparing for my death....weird.

S, Tessa 

The figurine

 So yesterday a weird thing happened....

My advocate was cleaning my TV screen and he accidently knocked a figurine I had to the ground and it broke.

It was a total accident....

But,  I saw him do it, I saw it fall to the ground and break, then I was suddenly VERY far away,  my body started trembling and I felt stark terror....I couldn't move, I couldn't breath, I was barely conscious...I remember my advocate saying to me over and over "it was an accident, you didn't do it...its okay...it was an accident....." but his words were very far away...sounding like a whisper...

But somewhere deep in my brain, I was frozen...waiting for the yelling and beating that was sure to come because I was "careless" and broke a figurine....even though I kept hearing "it was an accident, its okay..." I could here his words, but they wouldn't compute in my brain....

I believe I was co-fronting with Ally.   As a child, if anything broke, whether I did it or not, I was the one to get into trouble...it was always my fault....I had more beatings for things I didn't do, than for things I did do....

My mind was screaming "You careless stupid idiot....that cost money...how are you going to replace this?....you disgust me, we can never have anything nice in this house because of you....worthless stupid stupid careless piece of shit.......go to your room....

Go to my room, meant wait until your dad gets home....it was a death sentence.....because he would come home drunk, then beat the ever loving shit out of me....a small child who did nothing wrong....

My parents looked for any excuse to hit me, or demean me....

So, even now, in reality...the figurine was glued back and is back in its spot, no big deal, an accident...my adult mind knows this...

But still, deep down, I feel sick inside, I feel useless, dumb and stupid.

I dreamed about being beat by my dad last night...I could hear his screams, and I could feel the blows....I woke up sweating and my heart was racing and I had tears in my eyes....

THIS IS FUCKING DID....THIS IS WHY I CAN NEVER BE NORMAL...MY MIND WON'T LET ME.

THIS IS MY SORRY LIFE.

S, sophee

make it snappy

 All along, she is always wrong..

Told over and over, just be strong..

She doesn't understand why,

She is always told to lie...

She lives in sadness, full of tears

She locks her door,  to stop her fears...

Her confusion is real

And her wounds never heal...

The hurt runs deep

so much, it affects her sleep...

She tries to be strong

But her answers are wrong...

Why can't she smile?

 because she is always on trial...

Looking over her shoulder,

but running into boulders...

Silenced at every turn,

Friendships she can never earn...

Her mind is a storm,

With nothing left but to mourn..

She cannot be happy,

So death....make it snappy!!!

Sammy

They took it all....

 Sometimes I feel like I live in an alternate universe.  I feel part of this world, yet not a part of it.

Everything I was taught about God and Jesus turned out to be a lie.  

Thinking my family, especially my mother, might love me, is laughable and not real, I live in an illusion that my kids love me, but they don't...

So much of the time, I wander around listlessly,  and my head can be in a fog....

I hate when I disassociate...time goes away from me, reality goes away for me and I am left with questions, frustrations, and fear...

I use to pretend I was someone else, a famous singer, or dancer, or heiress...to my friends growing up, I made up all kinds of lies about myself and my family...just to be accepted, to be interesting enough that others would want to be my friend....little lies, nothing big...the big lies where the "omission" of the truth of my life and my family...

I never told anyone about the abuse, about how my mother hated me, about my horrible first step father...I never had anyone over to my home because of the "home life"....it was devastating....and I never wanted anyone to see that....

I never had birthday parties as a child,(my first birthday party and only party was when I turned 9 and I was with my father in TX). I have never had a slumber party of my own...I never had a bunch of my little girl friends stay over for movies, food and fellowship, I could never do that because of my dad and my mother....

I want a slumber party...I want to be a little girl with a bunch of girlfriends having fun....I want to have a childhood.

I want to be a little kid with the only thing to worry about is toys and school...I was never a little kid...

I was robbed of developing normally, mentally and physically.  I was robbed of that little girl innocents.  I was robbed from being a little girl...My mind was robbed and replaced by 8 different personalities..they have all stolen a part of me.

Ally stole my childhood

Lilly stole my adolescents

Tessa steals my adulthood

Sophee stole my confidence

7 stole my heart

Kaos.......

Sammy stole my voice

And Sparrow?   

Sparrow stole my identity of Melissa....

So now, that they have all stolen parts of me, that leaves me with virtually nothing to call my own...My mind is not my own...

I have nothing left...they took it all.

Sparrow

"change is good"???

 I moved out of the bedroom of my husband some 15 years before I left him.  I blamed his snoring, so I got my own room...

Now in Virginia, I again have my own room.  When my advocate stays over, he sleeps on my couch...

I cannot sleep anymore with anyone in the bed with me...I guess I am so stuck in my ways about that....plus it is so hard for me to sleep as any little thing can wake me up, so sleeping alone, eliminates others noises...

I have tried to sleep in the same bed with my advocate, it just isn't happening...he snores,  he has a cpap machine but still, I can't share a bed, ever...

And this depresses me,  to me, that says "see, you are truly alone"...it is yet another failure on my part....

I cannot live with anyone, I cannot sleep in the same bed with anyone,  I truly am alone in every sense of the word...

I think being "alone" is good for the alters.  They don't have to hide or pretend to be me, they don't have to worry about the "bad man" coming through the door.  My apartment is just as much theirs as it is mine, and that is a good thing...but.....they are isolating me even more.

They want me to be alone.  I truly believe that, because if I am alone, then I am not being hurt or abused in any way...I am safe, they are safe.  If I weren't alone, then they would not feel safe.

But I miss the closeness of sleeping with someone, I miss the companionship of a live- in roommate.    

Because of my legal separation decree, I cannot have a roommate.  To keep my spousal support, I have to be living alone...If I divorce him, I lose my health insurance, I can't afford that.

Fuck, John is keeping me lonely from 1000 miles away, he is still hurting me by his rules...fuck.  

My advocate and I see each other almost everyday, but he has his own place and his own responsibilities to consider, so he needs to spend time at his place with his cat.  Sleep in his own bed and do his own thing too.   I feel like I place too many demands on him with my neediness, and the alters.

I stayed at his place last night, and he slept on his couch....fuck....I am too much of an early to bed person, and he is a night owl.  I get up way to early in the morning and he likes to sleep in....we are just not right for each other in the living together department.  Or the sleeping together department.

It is dumb of me to be at his place and want to go to bed for the night at 7-8 pm, when he wants to stay up, then I take his bed and he ends up on the couch...I would sleep on the couch but his wall mate is so fucking noisy I would never get to sleep...so I take the bed and Kevin is sanctioned to the couch...fuck....

I feel I have taken over his apartment.  I have single handedly changed so much of his decor and furniture, had him get rid of so much stuff, bought him new up to date things, helped him clean out his kitchen and everything else...Ally has taken over his office/dining room with her toys...I put clocks up everywhere,  just trying to make his place more "DC" friendly for a bachelor.  But,  I feel he might be a little put out by it.  He tends to be a hoarder, and does not like getting rid of stuff...and I don't believe in keeping stuff forever...

Now, I have taken over his bedroom when I stay over....fuck...that apartment is his and Giz's...I had/have no right trying to change his decor or his way of living....I thought I was doing a good thing, but sometimes the look in his eye tells me different.  

He accepts most of the change I suggest, but I feel he does that to placate me, but deep down he doesn't really want change.  I get that, I believe that is a man thing, as my husband felt exactly the same about change.  If it ain't broke don't fix it....mentality.

I think I threw myself into his apartment, because I had nothing to do, nowhere to go, and needed to be busy and feel productive and like I was bettering his life...but really, I was just being selfish.

I need to apologize to him.   I am not trying to change him, seriously only update him...but he resists change, he does it, but he doesn't like it.

Just like the dangling keys on his belt....Those keys trigger me negatively along with Sammy and Ally, yet he still wears them, and I have to take them off him myself....

He has been wearing those keys like that his whole life, just like his father before him, and who the fuck am I to insist he take those keys off?  That is Kevin.  Somehow, I have to learn to ignore those keys and not let them trigger me, and I am trying to figure out how to do that...

Because I can no longer nag him about taking them off, nor is it my place to reach over and unhook them.  Those are his keys, not mine.

There are just too many rules that go with trying to have a relationship with me and my fucking alters....it is not fair to demand someone to change because I am stuck in time.....not fair to Kevin or anybody else.

Kevin has told me over and over "he hates women".  I know his history with women and have tried not to be "that" type of woman, but when push comes to shove, I am just like all the other women in his life, controlling, nagging, forcing change, etc....and full of emotional baggage.

I was always told "change is good", for me, it is.  But not for everyone else, especially my advocate.  

So I need to change my "change is good" philosophy to, keep things "status quo".  I will work on that.

s, 7