speaking greek

 OMG  I cannot believe how stupid I am...how confused I am, how much I do not understand simple english.

On one of my Jeep groups,  I was talking with someone about rescuing dogs and the moderator asked me if I would be interested in helping with IG pics for the page....

I am so ignorant, I thought she met IG, Italian Greyhound...but she met IG as in instagram.   I could not understand what she was wanting or asking of me...so I questioned it, and still I couldn't understand what she was asking so I flat out told her I have brain tumors and have a hard time sometimes understanding things...

Then she finally spelled it out to me, like I was a fucking first grader and now I feel like such an ignorant fool.....plus, now she knows I have a brain condition....I just fucking shot myself in the foot...what a fucking loser.  THIS IS HOW I SABOTOGE ANY FRIENDSHIPS, MY ACUTE STUPIDITY AND IGNORANCE.

So now I don't know,  I am confused, and frustrated.

Plus, my advocate and I have reached an impasse.  He simply cannot understand how my mind thinks, what I expect of myself, what I expect others to think of me...Even though I try and explain myself in a text or in a conversation, he still doesn't get it.  He refuses to listen to me, because he has all the answers.  He only reads or hears what he wants to read or hear...

Making me feel like a fool...,do I speak in Greek?  Are my words so convoluted that they come out  making no fucking sense at all?

If I express my wishes, my heart, what I want, does it come out as shit?  Do I not make sense?  

Everything is always twisted in my head...maybe it really is, maybe I am so fucking brain damaged that I cannot even understand myself...what I need or want or require is not important because I don't understand myself?  My advocate understands what I want and need and desire better than I understand myself?  That is FUCKING SAD.

Does my advocate think now that he knows all my alters, that he talks with them, that he knows what I feel, me sparrow?  He has no clue what I feel....if he did, I would not be here in this mindset, over and over and over...we would not have this same conversation over and over and over....he would not make me feel stupid of bad or ignorant for certain feelings....

I know that he is not a woman, so he thinks like a man...but you know what...if he wants to keep me, then he needs to start thinking more like a woman and less like a man....I have had enough of MEN thinking for me....telling me what is best for me, lecturing me when they think I am wrong, discounting my feelings and wishes as stupid or frivolous.

Every conversation we have, I end up apologizing and telling him he is right...just to stop the screams in my head....no one will ever understand me...It is impossible...I am impossible.

I hate my life....I want to die.  Because I have no fucking voice...I am given lip service and promised things will change and they NEVER FUCKING CHANGE, NEVER......BECAUSE I AM THE DAMAGED ONE, I AM THE ONE WHO IS STUPID AND IMPOSSIBLE WITH MY DESIRES OR WANTS OR WHATEVER...I AM SHALLOW...I AM A FUCKING FREAK. SO WHY WOULD ANYTHING CHANGE FOR ME?  I HAVE TO CHANGE FOR EVERYONE ELSE, BECAUSE THEY MATTER, NOT ME...I DON'T MATTER...

And I usually delete my posts that are negative towards my advocate, because everyone thinks he is perfect...the perfect advocate for me, so I don't want people to know that he is not meeting my needs, me sparrow...he meets their needs...but not mine....

I don't even care anymore, I am tired of protecting everyone else.  My advocate is being a selfish ass and I am fucking sick of it, his self righteous, know it all, never is wrong mentality.   

Well, he is wrong...even though I cannot adequately explain why he is wrong, because of course I am brain damaged...just let me tell you..he is wrong, and he is single handedly killing me.....I even accused him of gaslighting me...because that is what it feels like...when you try and explain to someone your feelings and they turn it around to make you look like the ungrateful confused ignorant person.   

This is my life....I have been gaslighted my whole life and it is fucking shocking to me that the man, who supposedly is my advocate is gaslighting me too, even if he thinks he is not...he is....

I don't care...he can hate me now for reading this, I just fucking don't care...I hate myself more than anybody could ever hate me so it doesn't matter....

and to make matters worse, I went to the fucking mall today, and got lost...lost in the fucking mall....I was so turned around, I started to panic...and I have been in that fucking mall a million times....just further proof of my mental illness, my fucked up head, my stupid brain damaged self.

s, sophee, 7