My daddy

 Today is October 27th.  My daddy died suddenly and unexpectedly on October 27, 2007.  15 yrs ago.  He was buried on halloween day.

He died 3 years before the birth of his first great grandson. 

He was not there for me, when I had to struggle with grief of the death of his second great grandson...I needed him then, and he was gone.

He died one year before I was diagnosed with a brain tumor...I needed him them to help me through the trauma of brain surgery.  I needed him to tell me I would be okay.

He died before my DID diagnoses.  I needed him to know about me, I needed him to know he was not responsible for the horrible trauma I went through as a child...I needed him to help me deal with that...I needed him...

I have needed my daddy my whole life, and he was only there for me, for such a short time....I never had a daddy who took care of me, who protected me and sheltered me from the storms that have over taken my life...I needed my daddy.

Would he have supported me?   Would he have understood the DID?  Being such a strong christian, would he have even believed me?

I miss him so much....with him gone, it seems that my entire family has fell apart...when he died a huge part of me died with him...

But the what ifs, always remain...unanswered questions,  unresolved grief and despair...

Now I have no parent for comfort and guidance, even as an adult, I still need my parents...but my mother is not there for me, my step father is not there for me...I am alone...

I am an orphan, struggling to survive an adult world...

The worse part of him suddenly dyeing, I did not get to tell him that I loved him, I did not get to tell him goodbye, I did not get to ask him for forgiveness for the horrible teenager I was, I did not get to confide in him my fears...I did not get to explain to him my DID...he did not get to see me live with brain tumors...he was not there to support me in my decision to leave my husband...

I was alone....always alone...

I am angry he died, I am angry he left me "holding the bag", I am angry that I did not get more time with him, I am angry that he never got to be with his great grandchildren...I am angry he was not around to help me with Gagey death...I am so angry at him...

He did not want to die, I know that....his heart just quit, yet mine keeps beating that mournful beat...

I miss you daddy, I love you, but I am still angry with you for leaving me...you abandoned me, like my mother, like my step father, like so many other people in my life.

Up and gone without a second look back...

S