Jeffrey Dahmer

 So, all my life, I have been fascinated by serial killers.  Not that I want to be one, of course not, but :  How did they become the person that they are?

What happened in their life to change the way their mind thinks?

Why would they kill people?

I am watching a Netflix special 10 episodes on the life of Jeffrey Dahmer.  He is the man that killed and ate people.  He was arrested in 1991.  I remember when he was arrested, I still have the People magazine that had him on the cover...He fascinated me at the time...but not much was told about his life, just his crimes....

This show is about his life......birth to death....He was born in 1960.  (2 years before me)....his father was a doctor and taught his very young son about death.  They would find road kill and his dad would do autopsies on the bodies as the little boy watched.  His father taught him how to give a lobotomy, how to dissect intestines and the heart. This fascinated Jeffrey.  His mother was a drug addict and his parents were abusive to each other, and mentally abusive to Jeffrey.  His mother did not want him...she did not want to be a mother to Jeffrey....His parents divorced....(my mother did not want me either).

As I was watching this part of the show, I recalled how his life was not that unlike my life growing up.  As I watched little Jeffrey at school, the bullying he got, his peculiar traits and actions, this little boy was screaming out for  help...no one saw or heard him...back in the 60's and 70's, children and women did not matter...the public turned their backs on the kids...I was one of those kids too....

As a child, I was bullied.  I did the exact same thing as Jeffrey...I did outlandish things to get attention, to get someone to notice me, to help me.....in the first grade I told my teacher that my dad had been killed in a motorcycle accident.  (not true)  so she wrote a letter to my mom.  She said to give the note to her, I did.  I was beat to within an inch of my life because of it.......the letter brought me more damage....when actually I was screaming out for help..

Another time, my mom sent me to vacation bible school at a neighboring church, and as I was sitting at a table doing crafts, I took off my sweater, and the bruises on my arms were very visible.  The man who was leading the class, saw the bruises...and he said to me "you must have been a very naughty little girl"  in reference to being punished with the bruises.  He did not contact the pastor, he said nothing to my mom....again, I was not seen or heard...no matter how hard as a child I tried, it didn't matter...I was invisible.  

Just like Jeffrey Dahmer.  Inside his home, behind closed doors, he lived a nightmare...his father was rarely home, his father showed absolutely no interest in Jeffrey until Jeff showed an interest in dead animals.  They bonded by doing animal dissections'..Jeff's mom ignored him, called him names, and was a drug addict...she and Jeff's dad screamed at each other all the time, right in front of Jeffrey...

I watched my step dad rape and beat my mother...I sat on the floor and watched....the abuse in my own home behind closed doors...was atrocious.  Not one parent tried to shield me from the abuse..again I was invisible.  Jeffrey was an invisible child too..

So why am I not a serial killer?  When I was 5 or 6, I poured dishwashing soap into my dads drink, hoping it would kill him....I actually did this twice...but my little child mind didn't know how to do this right....but I did try twice to kill the man that was killing me.

My step dad killed all my pets, my bunny, my cat, my dog...all in front of me...he took a bunny out of my hands, twisted its neck killing it then gave it back to me to bury....I was a small child......the mental abuse was over the top......

The reason I am not a serial killer is because my mind split.  It literally became different people to take care of me....I only now remember alot of the abuse because the alters have given me back those memories....but there are more memories that have not been shared with me, yet.

Today, 50 odd years later, I am still trying to come to terms with having DID....on the one hand, DID saved my life, my mind...on the other hand DID has ruined me as an adult.   

Why did my mind split and Jeffreys did not???  It is so weird how the brain works,  what molds and shapes a person,  was Jeffrey born with a mental illness because his mother did drugs while she was pregnant, and that mental illness was being fed by his dad???  Or was he born with a normal healthy brain, and his parents ruined it???

Was I born with a mental illness and did my parents fuel it to the point of it splitting?  Or am I a product of abuse?  Was Jeffrey a product of abuse?  YES, WE BOTH WERE...but his brain went one way, and mine went another....

Jeffrey and I were not the only 60-70s kids that were abused,  in that time era, abuse was rampant...children had no rights, women had no rights, we were only property to the man....it was not a Leave It To Beaver era...that was Hollywood only....I have noticed so many serial killers grew up in that time era....what happened to them??? I will tell you, the same bullshit that happened to me, and Jeffrey Dahmer.

As I am watching this series on Netflix, I am not appalled and sickened by his behavior.  Yes, I had to turn away from the screen because of the animal abuse...I have had to walk away from the show a couple of times....the gore grosses me out...but what upsets me about this show is not Jeffrey and what he did to all those men....

Jeffreys parents, especially  his father is what upsets me.  Every one knew Jeffrey was odd...his parents, his grandmother...but they all ignored the problem...no one ever even tried to get this kid some help...it was atrocious.

Everyone knew I was odd...by 9 years old, I had 7 alternate personalities...of course I was odd...but no one ever tried to help me either, they just turned a blind eye on me, just like Jeffrey, just like all the other serial killers as a rule.  My parents just shoveled me back and forth until I was 18...then I was gone from the home....

Jeffrey at 18, was gone from his home....no one checking on him...no one caring....that was me too.

My abuse spawned Disassociative Identity Disorder.  Jeff's abuse spawned a serial killer, cannibal.  

My mind splitting actually saved my life...it kept me from prison, it kept me from killing others, it kept me alive...they have kept me alive, protecting my mind and helping me to navigate a world that is overwhelming to a person that had no parental guidance.

So as I watch this Netflix series, my heart aches for Jeffrey Dahmer...I can relate on so many levels...

I hope his father and mother are both dead, and I hope they died horrible violent painful deaths....my abuser, the step dad, is dead...but he lived a long life and is buried in a military cemetery in Texas...the other abuser, my mother, is still alive...I cannot be around her....I am waiting for her to die too...then maybe I can live again.....

I am a product of the 60's generation....a generation that ignored their children....a generation of parents that spawned evil people, don't blame Jeffrey Dahmer...blame his parents and society...

Don't blame me for having DID...I am a product of the 60's, blame my parents and society....

S, T, Sophee