back to the drawing board.

 So lots have been going on....first and foremost, this hurricane....I feel so bad for Florida and the Carolinas.we here in VA, at Roanoke, just got a soggy cold wet soaking rain for three days...but that was it.  I have family, brothers, in SC, but of course they have blacklisted me and I don't even have their cell numbers...so I am hoping they are okay...I guess...

As far as the squatter situation, it is still going on.....one day I seem to be doing good, the next, all hell breaks loose.

There was a first....I fell into the deep depression again, but instead of Sophee getting my attention in the way she does...7 stopped Sophee by hurting the part of my body that is Sophees...7 stopped Sophee....this is an internal situation I had no ideal could even happen...

But evidently, in my head, the squatters, or at least a few of them, can communicate with each other, does not seem fair....

Also, in my depressive state, I went into a rage....and my advocate had to tackle me to the ground and hold me tight, so that I would not damage any property or myself...but in the process of holding me down and trying to control my rage, I or somebody scratched the fucking shit out of his back.....my advocate was battered by an alter.....

Who says alters cannot be violent or mean...I am sure they screamed hateful things to him, hit him, scratched him, and all other kinds of means of abuse.  

My advocate had an abusive alcoholic wife, she abused him, beat on him everything and he divorced her, got custody of the kids and moved on...now he is with me....another abusive woman....or women and a 7.

He is no better off with me.....but at least I don't drink myself into a feeling sorry for myself rage....it just happens when I get frustrated or confused or fuck, basically anything....I am a nightmare.

I would fly into rages with John, who would in turn, hold his body against mine up against a wall until the fight left me, then he would let me drop to the floor and he would walk away.....

My advocate, at least, does not walk away...he understands better my mental disorder and works with me and them.....but is it doing any good?

Some days yes, there is improvement, then other days all that improvement is shot to fucking hell......and its back to the goddamn drawing board....

Sparrow