September 1

 On September 1, my Gagey died, 3 yrs ago.  He died of Chordoma, a brain tumor.  He was diagnosed and died within 5 weeks.....

Last night I dreamed that I was playing with Gagey, and we were playing with my Chrissy Doll...

The dream was so real, it was as if Gagey was not sick....he was laughing and having fun...so was I.

My advocate asked me to go and see where my Chrissy doll was...I walked into my bedroom and the Chrissy doll was gone.....

So it seems, that Ally got up in the night and played with her doll, and played with Gagey...I found my doll in the living room....

So it wasn't a dream at all, it was one of my squatters fronting to play while I was "asleep"....

I know that Ally misses Gagey...she misses all my grandsons...she misses playing with children...as they do not care who is fronting, they don't care that an adult is acting like a kid...its fun and they are happy...Ally made my grandsons and my own kids happy...Ally is my happy squatter...

Even though she carries so many horrible memories, she manages to stay happy all the time....how???  How can a little girl be so happy when all these atrocities are happening to her???  She does not age, she does not understand the passage of time, so in her world, the bad man is always around...yet she manages to play and be happy.....

Why can't I do that???  Despite her abuse, she still plays, and smiles and laughs...I try to emulate her, to find happiness in my life, and I succeed alot of the time...

then there are times, all I want to do is run and hide...cry and scream...and shake my fist at the universe!!!

Having DID is no fucking picnic...it is confusing, frustrating, humiliating, scary, it is a horror show wrapped up in a single mind....

I miss you Gagey, Ally misses you....I wish you would not have left us...I wish it had been me dying of brain tumors and you living with brain tumors...not fair.....I hate this...

S, T, 7