Fiesta Dinner

 So last night Kevins Pharmacy department had their annual Fiesta Dinner Party.  I took 24 spinach enchiladas which everyone ate!!!

This year was alot easier for me than last year.  Last year I was anxious because I only knew Kevin, and everyone else there knew me and about me and watches our videos...

This year, I actually remembered some of the people and visited with them.  It was a good time, I felt more welcome and less self-conscious about my DID.  whew.....

However, my blood sugar went through the roof, because of the mexican food and we had to leave before I crashed....but we stayed a good 3 hours before my fucking stomach caused too many problems for me...haha

I WISH I COULD EAT!!!!!!!!

any how, we had a good time, and I absolutely love the home the party was at, it is a colonial home that is hands down, beautiful and perfectly decorated inside and out....I could live there!! haha

S

stop it

 john....leave me alone...stop telling me you love me...you love the ideal of me...but you actually hate me...you and your stupid fucking christian god...you don't know what love is....you conceited self-centered fuck.

you love tormenting me, us...you love trying to make me feel guilty...you love judging me, you fucking asshole.

but most of all you love hurting me with guilt about the kids and grandkids...

stop it....stop it....stop it.....

S, 7, sophee

September 1

 On September 1, my Gagey died, 3 yrs ago.  He died of Chordoma, a brain tumor.  He was diagnosed and died within 5 weeks.....

Last night I dreamed that I was playing with Gagey, and we were playing with my Chrissy Doll...

The dream was so real, it was as if Gagey was not sick....he was laughing and having fun...so was I.

My advocate asked me to go and see where my Chrissy doll was...I walked into my bedroom and the Chrissy doll was gone.....

So it seems, that Ally got up in the night and played with her doll, and played with Gagey...I found my doll in the living room....

So it wasn't a dream at all, it was one of my squatters fronting to play while I was "asleep"....

I know that Ally misses Gagey...she misses all my grandsons...she misses playing with children...as they do not care who is fronting, they don't care that an adult is acting like a kid...its fun and they are happy...Ally made my grandsons and my own kids happy...Ally is my happy squatter...

Even though she carries so many horrible memories, she manages to stay happy all the time....how???  How can a little girl be so happy when all these atrocities are happening to her???  She does not age, she does not understand the passage of time, so in her world, the bad man is always around...yet she manages to play and be happy.....

Why can't I do that???  Despite her abuse, she still plays, and smiles and laughs...I try to emulate her, to find happiness in my life, and I succeed alot of the time...

then there are times, all I want to do is run and hide...cry and scream...and shake my fist at the universe!!!

Having DID is no fucking picnic...it is confusing, frustrating, humiliating, scary, it is a horror show wrapped up in a single mind....

I miss you Gagey, Ally misses you....I wish you would not have left us...I wish it had been me dying of brain tumors and you living with brain tumors...not fair.....I hate this...

S, T, 7