somebody named 7

 I do not even know why I post here....I never have anything fun or exciting to share.

I am tricking out my jeep, which is a cherokee, and I have been excited about that,  but I am also discouraged of the discrimination between Jeep owners.  Evidently, a Wrangler is the only true jeep, and all others are "mall crawlers"... I get excited about "ducking" jeeps, but because I drive a cherokee, getting ducked back by a random person, is almost non-existent.   And that is discouraging because, and this is the long and short of it,  I have never been able to be a part of a group.  A club...

As a little girl, I was put in "Brownies"..."see how well that went?....

I joined a group in high school, but I was shunned and pushed aside for various reasons...probably me..."you are the poor girl, not rich enough for them"

when I was a cheerleader, I was still the cheerer stuck on the end, and ignored by the "Popular" girls...I was the "token" cheerleader only picked for my gymnastics ability.  "I was a good gymnast, just not good enough""we will use her for her tumbling abilities only"

I joined sports leagues:  city softball, church volleyball and softball leagues, but found myself not fitting in....I was too different, none of those lasted..."prayer is stupid, god is stupid"

My jobs never lasted...why? because I am just too fucked up in the head...I guess it boils down to doubt.  "you are a horrible employee, just a matter of time before you are fired..."you can't do that, why try"

I doubt myself and my abilities.  I doubt the motives of others" "they pretend to be your friend to use you for their gain" 

I doubt anybody, would really want like me or want to be my friend. "everyone has an agenda, no body wants to get close to you"

My entire life, literally, I have been used, taken for granite, manipulated, fake loved....If I didn't like or do or say something that was different from the "norm" I was looked at sideways, and eventually left..."they think you are weird"

So many organizations I was actively involved in:

church stuff, 

Homeless Shelter

Dog Parks

Barry House (teaching classes)

counseling center

teaching sign language

etc....

Something always happened,  and most beyond my control...because somebody didn't like me, or they didn't like my convictions, attitude, or I hated the organization (church) or I fucked it up...now looking back, I believe that 7 sabotaged all my efforts at trying to fit in and belong anywhere.

7 gives me thoughts of doubt, suspicion , self-loathing, feelings of worthlessness, being stupid, not being good enough, and the list goes on and on...

they do this, because in their weird head, they believe they are protecting my heart from being broken by anyone or anything I attempt and start taking pride in....7 kills my pride, so I stay hidden and my heart is in less danger of being broken or hurt.

"7 puts all those negative thoughts in my head"   7 is fucking me up even more.

I don't need some one watching my back anymore....I am a grown ass adult woman....let me be one.

Its hard to love "somebody named 7"

S, T