guilt and shame

 So, my advocate finally talked with 7.   He found out what the misunderstanding was and they talked it out.  I did feel so much better after they talked.

However, I am still "wounded".  I feel like, at this moment, I could shatter into a million pieces...

I am appalled and ashamed of venting my "sad self" on the Sparrowisms page...I know that people have to get fucking tired of me, venting all the time...

I don't understand how some days, I can be so happy and upbeat, then in the blink of an eye, I can be so down and depressed, and half the time I have no fucking ideal why...

I hate that some of my alters listen to everything...I might say something, or my advocate or anybody else for that matter, and they hear it and misconstrue what was said, and they attack my mind...

"he does not like you", "they think you are stupid", "see how dumb you are",  "he wants to be with someone else", etc.....and this beats down in my head to the point that I am believing what my alters are putting forth....

I do not hear them talking to me, but they put the thoughts in my head...and they do that on the false notion that they are "protecting me" from being hurt......If I get disenchanted with my advocate or anybody else, then it is easy for me to push them away, and once they are gone, the alters think I will be much better off....and I will not be hurt because I made the decision to cut them off....when in reality, my alters are making those decisions and manipulating me into verbalizing them.....fuck

I feel like I am made of glass.....I can be broken and shattered ridiculously easy...its pathetic.

I feel guilty and ashamed.   Ashamed that I posted and vented, guilty that it forced others to read it, ashamed for hurting my advocate...just fucking embarrassed as hell....

I know that it will be really hard for me to show my face again, whether on facebook or Youtube....

by that I mean, it will be really hard for me to express my feelings and emotions and life situations,  on any of my social media accounts.  So, I will for now, just post memes and stay the fuck away from being filmed on Youtube.

I just want to hide........

what a fucking coward....

S, 7