Blowing bubbles

 So I am having a difficult time dealing with extreme disappointment.

It seems lately everything is a disappointment

I bought a gift for someone, left it right in front of their nose for a surprise, and they didn't see it.  So, the surprise was ruined because I had to physically show them....so that burst my bubble.

Another time, I was planning for a night out, on a date, and a monkey wrench was thrown into that, by other plans....and the whole date night went to shit.  Burst that bubble too.

I have been really excited about my Jeep and being in a Jeep club, but I do not drive a wrangler type body style, so I do not ever get "ducked" (that started in 2020, where jeepsters would give other jeepsters little rubber ducks to put in their jeep...just to make them smile and say "I like your jeep".  I drive a really nice jeep, but to the young hip jeepsters, I drive a mall crawler...another burst bubble.

So I never get ducked in parking lots or that...I have only gotten ducked through the mail...never a stranger ducking...no one likes a Jeep cherokee....so that is another disappointment.

I try and fit in, only to be an outcast.

story of my fucking life.  I never say the right things, I do not wear the right clothes, I do not believe in the right religion, I never can keep friends, I am never good enough in sports (just average), I have never won a trophy or gotten awards in school.  I have always been the little girl in the corner.  Bubbles burst all over the damn place...

I tried to be the popular kid.  But, because of my home life, I could never have friends over to play....as a teenager, I still never had friends over because my mom was such a fucking bitch.

As an adult, I tried lots of different jobs...each one, I failed miserably..my marriage failed...Why?

This is why:  Lilly, Ally, Sophee, 7, Sammy, Kaos and Tessa.

This is why I can never fit in or be anybody who can make a difference .....My head is too fucked up with too many personalities.

We are never on the same wave length....I may think one way, but someone in my head thinks another, then I am fucked....

I can never be "normal".  I cannot be trusted, obviously, I cannot be loved...because I am simply unlovable.  I certainly am no sexual partner, fuck...my needs in that area are too over the top,  even for the most "evolved" lover.

So I live with disappointment every day of my life.  Every fucking day.  Someone is always disappointed in me, or I am always disappointing someone else with my words or actions...

I am a nightmare to try and get close too...just ask my advocate.

I am tired of blowing bubbles, only to watch them pop one by one.

S