animal in distress

 So we had twin deer born this spring.  They are so cute to watch with their mama.  I watched them the other evening...so cute.

Then I saw one dead on the side of the road....one of the twins was struck by a car.  I realize that this happens, but it hurt my heart so bad....

I almost cannot deal with the death of animals.  My raccoon Bandit, the one I saved from death when he was a juvenile and was so tame and fun..was also hit by a car.

I saw the raccoon and deer both almost at the exact place on the road...dead...the road that the creek lets out on and crosses....

My heart bleeds when an animal is killed....I try not to get attached to the wild critters around here, but it is almost impossible not too...I have to keep telling myself, just enjoy them today, they are wild and can be killed by a car or predator...I know that...but it still hurts me so bad.

I have this unnatural connection to animals....I believe it is because of my Wiccan beliefs and two of my squatters, 7 and Ally.  

They see when a beloved animal is killed or dead...it grieves their hearts too as they love animals as much as I do...so when one of "our" critters is killed, its 3 times the sadness in my heart...

When an animal is in pain, I can feel it in my body too....I feel their pain or suffering...

Why can I feel their pain???  How is that possible?

When an animal is in pain or distress, they don't know why or how or whatever, they are just in pain or distress and their needs are immediate, save me.....

when I was a child, I was in constant pain and distress, I could not understand why, my need was immediate...GET ME OUT SAVE ME..just like the needs of an animal.  An animal trapped in a garbage bin just needs to be let out and set free....as I did Bandit.

A child trapped in an abusive home needs to be freed....but no one ever set me free, no one but my squatters.

Animals in distress, are just like children in distress.  They don't know why, they just hurt and want to be taken care of and relieved of the stressful situation...that is all...

When I see a hurt animal, or a dead animal...inside me my heart feels them...I connect immediately to that animal...because that animal is and was me......

I am an animal in distress...

S, 7

Squatters

These past couple of weeks, with the Matt Walsh video being made, and other issues, me and my "squatters" have been in chaos....One morning I was so distraught that I decided to draw what I feel my head is trying to do...

Sometimes I feel it is splitting open, and the squatters are trying to get out...they make me bleed, they give me pain, they confuse me and it makes me so unhappy, I cry alot....

I decided to call my "alters", "squatters", because a lot of the times, I feel they are not welcome, that they are just squatting in my brain, free room and board at the expense of me.....

So anyway, today, I am feeling some better, but the pain of my squatters is real and constant.....

S

 

frustration

 I think frustration is my worse enemy.  I have no patience for myself, none.  I have an issue with the right side of my body, my vision is off some,(that is the brain tumors fault)  and it causes me to drop, spill, and bang into things all the time...Judging distance on the right side is a struggle.  And it irritates me to no end...

Every time I spill or drop or break something, or even bang into something, I immediately feel like a baby or a child...it is like I am constantly drunk on the right side of my body...

It is very frustrating, and frustration is a major trigger for me.  My head immediately goes to "omg, I am gonna get in so much trouble or even beat for making a mess, or breaking something etc"...I am scared and before anyone can punish me, I start punishing myself..."stupid, clumsy, idiot, can't have anything nice, you ruin everything, you break everything, what a dope...stupid stupid stupid..."  It is so hard for me to go "oops, accident, no problem"...instead, I feel like I must have done it on purpose, so I need to be punished.....

what an ignorant thing to feel, but there it is....

fuck....how do you learn to overcome intense frustration??

S, 7 

Blowing bubbles

 So I am having a difficult time dealing with extreme disappointment.

It seems lately everything is a disappointment

I bought a gift for someone, left it right in front of their nose for a surprise, and they didn't see it.  So, the surprise was ruined because I had to physically show them....so that burst my bubble.

Another time, I was planning for a night out, on a date, and a monkey wrench was thrown into that, by other plans....and the whole date night went to shit.  Burst that bubble too.

I have been really excited about my Jeep and being in a Jeep club, but I do not drive a wrangler type body style, so I do not ever get "ducked" (that started in 2020, where jeepsters would give other jeepsters little rubber ducks to put in their jeep...just to make them smile and say "I like your jeep".  I drive a really nice jeep, but to the young hip jeepsters, I drive a mall crawler...another burst bubble.

So I never get ducked in parking lots or that...I have only gotten ducked through the mail...never a stranger ducking...no one likes a Jeep cherokee....so that is another disappointment.

I try and fit in, only to be an outcast.

story of my fucking life.  I never say the right things, I do not wear the right clothes, I do not believe in the right religion, I never can keep friends, I am never good enough in sports (just average), I have never won a trophy or gotten awards in school.  I have always been the little girl in the corner.  Bubbles burst all over the damn place...

I tried to be the popular kid.  But, because of my home life, I could never have friends over to play....as a teenager, I still never had friends over because my mom was such a fucking bitch.

As an adult, I tried lots of different jobs...each one, I failed miserably..my marriage failed...Why?

This is why:  Lilly, Ally, Sophee, 7, Sammy, Kaos and Tessa.

This is why I can never fit in or be anybody who can make a difference .....My head is too fucked up with too many personalities.

We are never on the same wave length....I may think one way, but someone in my head thinks another, then I am fucked....

I can never be "normal".  I cannot be trusted, obviously, I cannot be loved...because I am simply unlovable.  I certainly am no sexual partner, fuck...my needs in that area are too over the top,  even for the most "evolved" lover.

So I live with disappointment every day of my life.  Every fucking day.  Someone is always disappointed in me, or I am always disappointing someone else with my words or actions...

I am a nightmare to try and get close too...just ask my advocate.

I am tired of blowing bubbles, only to watch them pop one by one.

S

Selective abortion of alters...

 Yesterday I went to the lake to relax and try and rest my head. Instead I decided to write about my DID, haha big surprise, huh? You know how Siamese twins are two babies born but connected together, sharing an organ or more....sometimes the twins can be separated if they don't share the heart or brain....but sometimes, in utero, the doc can see how bad the twins are and if one will not make it, they can abort that baby.  Its called "selective abortion"...which is very common with women who are artificially inseminated with multiple eggs...

Now, DID is alot like being a twin...but in my case, I would be an octo person.  Octo means 8...I have eight separate personalities (literally people) in my brain.  They all have their own identities, they are alive and real.  But they all share a common organ...the BRAIN, and the body...so I cannot do selective abortion on them...

Can you imagine if I could what would happen? What would happen if you abort one of my alters:

Abort Ally:  you will kill a child, you kill innocence

Abort Lilly:  You kill chrissy, you kill ally, you kill my sentinel

Abort Sophee:  then sparrow kills herself

Abort 7:  then the heart goes to shit

Abort Sammy:  no more enjoyment of music and dance, and no one will ever know why she does not speak...

Abort Tessa:  then my home goes to shit, disorder, chaos frustration and guilt...

Abort Kaos: maybe she is half dead anyway

Abort Sparrow:  then that makes you a mass murderer, it will kill them all....

So there is no aborting the Siamese brain that is mine.  Just like a conjoined twin may have to live with their sibling attached to them for the rest of their life...I have to live with my personalities attached to my brain, for the rest of my life....

S

somebody named 7

 I do not even know why I post here....I never have anything fun or exciting to share.

I am tricking out my jeep, which is a cherokee, and I have been excited about that,  but I am also discouraged of the discrimination between Jeep owners.  Evidently, a Wrangler is the only true jeep, and all others are "mall crawlers"... I get excited about "ducking" jeeps, but because I drive a cherokee, getting ducked back by a random person, is almost non-existent.   And that is discouraging because, and this is the long and short of it,  I have never been able to be a part of a group.  A club...

As a little girl, I was put in "Brownies"..."see how well that went?....

I joined a group in high school, but I was shunned and pushed aside for various reasons...probably me..."you are the poor girl, not rich enough for them"

when I was a cheerleader, I was still the cheerer stuck on the end, and ignored by the "Popular" girls...I was the "token" cheerleader only picked for my gymnastics ability.  "I was a good gymnast, just not good enough""we will use her for her tumbling abilities only"

I joined sports leagues:  city softball, church volleyball and softball leagues, but found myself not fitting in....I was too different, none of those lasted..."prayer is stupid, god is stupid"

My jobs never lasted...why? because I am just too fucked up in the head...I guess it boils down to doubt.  "you are a horrible employee, just a matter of time before you are fired..."you can't do that, why try"

I doubt myself and my abilities.  I doubt the motives of others" "they pretend to be your friend to use you for their gain" 

I doubt anybody, would really want like me or want to be my friend. "everyone has an agenda, no body wants to get close to you"

My entire life, literally, I have been used, taken for granite, manipulated, fake loved....If I didn't like or do or say something that was different from the "norm" I was looked at sideways, and eventually left..."they think you are weird"

So many organizations I was actively involved in:

church stuff, 

Homeless Shelter

Dog Parks

Barry House (teaching classes)

counseling center

teaching sign language

etc....

Something always happened,  and most beyond my control...because somebody didn't like me, or they didn't like my convictions, attitude, or I hated the organization (church) or I fucked it up...now looking back, I believe that 7 sabotaged all my efforts at trying to fit in and belong anywhere.

7 gives me thoughts of doubt, suspicion , self-loathing, feelings of worthlessness, being stupid, not being good enough, and the list goes on and on...

they do this, because in their weird head, they believe they are protecting my heart from being broken by anyone or anything I attempt and start taking pride in....7 kills my pride, so I stay hidden and my heart is in less danger of being broken or hurt.

"7 puts all those negative thoughts in my head"   7 is fucking me up even more.

I don't need some one watching my back anymore....I am a grown ass adult woman....let me be one.

Its hard to love "somebody named 7"

S, T

Unsuperpriseable

 It is impossible to surprise someone who flat has tunnel vision.   I swear, every time I try and surprise my advocate, I fall fucking flat on my face.  He is not surprise able.  

Every time I try and make plans with my advocate, the plans fall through. You cannot make plans with my advocate.  If it happens, it happens, but usually not.

It is very aggravating and irritating and it just makes me want to throw up my hands and say fuck it.

He does not notice me.  He notices the alters, but me???? nope,  I am invisible.

He said once "my daughter told me that she could walk buck ass naked in front of her then-husband, and he would not notice"....

Well, that is YOU TOO....you don't notice anything, unless it is DID alter related.  You don't even hear half of what I say to you, you only half listen....and most times, when you are listening you still do not acknowledge that I am talking....If I say "did you hear me", you says "yes, I heard you" but chose to ignore you. 

Last night was the last straw in me trying to surprise my advocate and do something nice...I am done with that.

We will just hang out and be a fucking boring couple....

No more surprises...just bahumbug...

S

guilt and shame

 So, my advocate finally talked with 7.   He found out what the misunderstanding was and they talked it out.  I did feel so much better after they talked.

However, I am still "wounded".  I feel like, at this moment, I could shatter into a million pieces...

I am appalled and ashamed of venting my "sad self" on the Sparrowisms page...I know that people have to get fucking tired of me, venting all the time...

I don't understand how some days, I can be so happy and upbeat, then in the blink of an eye, I can be so down and depressed, and half the time I have no fucking ideal why...

I hate that some of my alters listen to everything...I might say something, or my advocate or anybody else for that matter, and they hear it and misconstrue what was said, and they attack my mind...

"he does not like you", "they think you are stupid", "see how dumb you are",  "he wants to be with someone else", etc.....and this beats down in my head to the point that I am believing what my alters are putting forth....

I do not hear them talking to me, but they put the thoughts in my head...and they do that on the false notion that they are "protecting me" from being hurt......If I get disenchanted with my advocate or anybody else, then it is easy for me to push them away, and once they are gone, the alters think I will be much better off....and I will not be hurt because I made the decision to cut them off....when in reality, my alters are making those decisions and manipulating me into verbalizing them.....fuck

I feel like I am made of glass.....I can be broken and shattered ridiculously easy...its pathetic.

I feel guilty and ashamed.   Ashamed that I posted and vented, guilty that it forced others to read it, ashamed for hurting my advocate...just fucking embarrassed as hell....

I know that it will be really hard for me to show my face again, whether on facebook or Youtube....

by that I mean, it will be really hard for me to express my feelings and emotions and life situations,  on any of my social media accounts.  So, I will for now, just post memes and stay the fuck away from being filmed on Youtube.

I just want to hide........

what a fucking coward....

S, 7

mind...shut up!!

 OMG I am so fucking tired of being so mentally exhausted all the damn time.

My mind NEVER shuts off....my heart is always in turmoil.  Words come out of my mouth, I never mean to say...

My head thinks things that just aren't true in reality...because my alters do not live in reality.   They are stuck in their pasts....

That makes it fucking hard to live in reality.   That makes it damn near impossible to have a relationship or a friendship.  

Being alone in my apartment, just me and Boomer, is the best thing for me.  I am glad nobody comes to visit me,  because then I don't have to perform for them.  My alters don't have to pretend to be me...being alone lets all the chaos have a place.  I don't want anyone to see my chaos.  

If I let anyone into my life, I will surely destroy them, or upset them, or offend them....and they will leave.  That is what DID does, it destroys everything.

My childhood was destroyed, so I guess I am now getting even with the world by being the destroyer instead of the destroyee....

Go alters!  just know that by ya destroying my relationships, you are also destroying me, sparrow.

good for you.

S

I am only taking care of you, he will hurt you, just like everyone else, he told me he does not like being with you.-7