When I was young, a teenager, a young adult 20-40"s, I was beautiful and vibrant and sexy...but then, I took it for granite. I had no problems getting boyfriends, all guys wanted to fuck me, all guys want to fuck a pretty girl. I did horrible things to my body, abused it in every possible way, I had total disregard for my looks, health, whatever...certainly never thought of a future as an old crone...I was miserable with my life, unhappy, confused and frustrated...
Now as an old crone, 60...I am happy, and understand my confusion and frustration now...it is the alters...I get it....I am learning to live with them in my head, to cater to their likes, needs and desires as well as my own.
I made a huge change in my life, and met a guy that makes me happy and I love to be around...and when I am with him, I feel like a giddy teenager, alive, sexy vibrant...then I look in the fucking mirror and see I am not sexy or vibrant, I am old and wrinkled and used up.....
The mirror reminds me that I am an old woman...all of my alters except for Tessa are younger than me...so it is normal for me to feel like I am way younger than I really am...to act like I am way younger than I really am...even to dress like it...
But then mirrors remind me of who I really am...In my head, I am young and very sexually aroused with my partner, I want sex all the time or at least 3 times a week!!! what a fucking crock....old people do not have sex 3 times a week, old people do not even have sex once a week....My partner is old, like me....he does not have the sex drive that I do, because he is a singlet.....he is not persuaded by other people in his head.
It is so fucking hard for me to be with him and not WANT him...most nights I go to bed so fucking sexually frustrated...I give him hints all day long, and by evening, it is too late, something comes up or whatever....I even asked him what he likes and he said "public sex", so I have been taking baby steps to be more "public" with my body, and still nothing....I don't understand how he can be around me day in and day out, and not want me......
Then it hits me! ITS THE DID....THE GIRLS....ITS THE MANIC SPARROW...its the immature little girl that is hot for him....He is a grown ass man...older man...sex is not important to him. What is important to him, is taking care of me. But he takes care of me more like a daddy or husband, not a lover.
Sigh....I have to remember that I am a 60 year old aging sagging woman, not sexually desirable at all...
My head tells me one thing, then the mirror tells me the truth.....
S
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