guilty

 I came so close to telling my daughter about my DID.  But I just can't do it over a text, and she never has the time to actually pick up the phone and call me....but I am aching inside to tell her, I need to tell someone in my family....

I told my cousin, Reva, about my DID, and she said she would research it, but she has not, in fact, she has flat ignored my mental condition and brushed it off....at least that is better than her getting in my face and calling me names and shit like that...so her silence and dismissal is actually better for me...I think...

Why the fuck do I feel so much guilt about my DID???  Why do I have to be the guilty one?  Does my mother lie on that fucking couch all day and feel guilt over what she did to me, what she allowed to be done to me?  Does she feel as much guilt as I do?  Does my dad feel guilt over dismissing my need to talk about my past?  

Remarkedly though, I do not feel any guilt at all for leaving Oklahoma and my life there...but what I do feel guilt over, is the "reason" I left....my mental state....I did not leave for any other reason except mentally I had to get out of there, I was dying inside, but no one forced me or caused me to leave....that was all me, and I don't feel guilt over that...

I feel guilty for having DID.  That is the long and short of it...

I do not know why I feel guilty...I have no reason to feel guilty...developing this disorder was out of my control...is that why I feel guilty?  I could not stop myself from developing alters?  Do I feel guilty for being so weak in my head that I formed other beings to take my place???

I feel guilty for having to tell people, especially my friends, I feel like I have lived a lie....and I have....and I continue to do so...I try to live the lie that I am okay...that it is just me, Sparrow.

I feel guilty for hating the fact that I have DID.  I feel guilty for hating myself...

S, Tessa, 7