explaining

 So, I have so much on my mind...I feel like my brain is going to explode..

My advocate has told me that sometime this year, I need to tell my family about my DID...

How do I do that?  They all think the brain injury and tumors are the cause of me leaving...it is not that at all...I am realizing that now...but how do I get them to believe me?

Am I ready?  will I ever be ready?  

How do you explain to a bunch of christians, DID?  I am scared shitless of what my kids will think?  Will they still love me?  Will they let me see my grandkids or will they be afraid of me?  So much of Hollywood vilifies DID ie."Split"...my kids will see those movies and think I am a monster too....

What about my mother?  She is an old woman,  do I want to hurt her?  She hurt me my entire life, but she is my mom, I do not want to hurt her, and yet I do not want her to deny me, she made me....she birthed me and was responsible for my childhood...she is responsible for my DID...how do I tell her that?  fuck,  I still want to protect her and my family...

why do I have to tell them at all???  It will shatter our already "iffy" relationship...I know that John will deny it, and if he does, so will the kids and other family members...

why can't I just hide in my little treehouse, and be a wallflower...

I am a coward.  I was a coward as a small child, hense the DID...and I am a coward as an adult...Of course I worry about what they will think of me...how could I not???  they are my blood...I love and care about them, even my mom...

I have hidden the DID my entire life....no one will believe me...NO ONE.  fuck, I don't even believe it half the time...am I faking?  I have to be faking.....but I am not....I am fucked up in the head...I just need to keep the DID hidden..

Just me leaving John, hurt my kids so much, they said awful things to me and judged me without my side of the story...

so how the fuck will they accept the DID....which is the major reason I left...I know that now...I was not safe in Oklahoma, because my mom is still alive...I was dying there....how do I explain that???

How do I explain anything?

S, Tessa