Banner day, again

 At the risk of feeling sorry for myself, I do need to vent...yet again...

All my life, I would try things I am passionate about, things or activities I enjoyed or made me feel good about myself, made me feel accepted...

I did gymnastics for many many years, but was never really good enough to compete for real,  and I was ridiculed by better gymnasts...

I use to love to draw pictures, but was told they looked dumb or was not that good, so I stopped drawing.

I had a job, that I enjoyed, until my husband said for me to stay home, so no more job.

I volunteered at a dog park, eventually managing it, and it began to win awards and become a really nice dog park, until I was fired, because I was too much a stickler for the park rules...well that discouraged me and now I have no desire to run a dog park.

I volunteered with the homeless, running a dog kennel for the homeless alliance, until a homeless man attacked me and I attacked back, defended myself, then I was fired....now I want nothing to do with the homeless population.

I gave everything I had to my kids and my marriage,  only to decide I needed better, and the kids ridiculed me....I was branded a homewrecker and sinner....now I don't have any desire to ever be married again, and if my kids are angry, I just don't care....

I grieved for my grandson when he was dying, only to be shunned by his mother, and my kids telling me "you should not be here, you are not welcome"....

I started walking my neighborhood picking up trash and cleaning up the gutters and such, only to be verbally abused and attacked for doing "a good and positive thing"...so now, I have no desire to walk or pick up trash anymore....

I joined a Jeep Facebook group for the fun and the ducking experience, and I am constantly told my Cherokee is not a real jeep and I don't belong in the Jeep groups....so I left the groups...

It may take me a minute, but I can finally realize when I am not wanted, appreciated or accepted...fine.

I even threw myself in to being a submissive, only to be disappointed with that too....obviously I am no submissive...if I was, then my sir would be more dominate...but I am sure because of my DID, I will always be treated with kit gloves by him, not really a typical submissive but just a token submissive...

I have become public with Youtube videos about DID, only to be called a faker,  and even those videos are falling flat....too many more exciting fake DID's out there, putting on shows with their alters, cannot and will not compete with that...so, now I am thinking that the video's are a waste of time.  failed that...

I tried joining some witch facebook sights, but there is so many black witches casting negative spells on people, which flies in the face of "do no harm",  so I left those groups....

I have been verbally attacked for being Wiccan, constant attacks by christians....so tired of that...

I left submissive groups, because I was constantly being ridiculed by seasoned submissives to the point that I felt like a goddamn fool...

I truly do not belong anywhere.   I am accepted no where, maybe at first, but then I am eventually chased away....is it because I am just too fucking sensitive?  Are my feelings hurt too easily?  maybe, but that is because of the goddamn insecurity I have for myself, because of the fucking abuse as a child....I guess I need to stop using that as a crutch...

I will never overcome that....I will always second guess myself, I will always be my worst critic, and I will always be alone in my thoughts and feelings, and my alters will always control my mind...control me...I don't think they want me to be involved with any body or group or job...they have always hidden, by keeping me away from people, they are comfortable being silently controlling me...

Maybe I sabotage myself for setting myself up to be happy, when I know that will never never never be....

I am so tired of having my feet kicked out from under me over and over....I am bruised and battered and exhausted from falling down all the time...

The only thing I do well, and am accomplished in, in fact have a doctorates in is "depression"... nobody can push me into depression when I am already living there...so there is that positive note.

I do not know how to be a good friend.  I try to be, but I guess I over try...I try and do too much for people, especially people who do not appreciate it and take it for granite and still treat me like shit.

I wish I could be a "karen"....my life would be so much easier....but I hate rudeness,  I hate treating people the way I have been treated my entire life...I know how that feels....I just can't do it.

Not sure what is spiraling me down the rabbit hole...I bought a bunch of ducks, twine, notes etc..to make ducks for Jeeps...but now I wish I had never bought them...the desire for even that is gone....

I was excited to trick up my Jeep with decals and such, but, I do not drive a fucking Wrangler, so no matter how much I trick up my jeep, it will never be accepted or treated with the respect and fun as with the other jeeps, namely Wranglers...so why bother????  

I don't even want to do that anymore...I don't care, I will never be accepted no matter what event, group, or activity I engage in.  

I was born a loser, grew up a loser, and continue to be a loser....

Sigh....another banner day for Sparrow and us....

S, 7