Saturday, July 30, 2022

shower curtain

 So I was watching a TV show, and in one scene a man was behind a curtain, then "swiped the curtain to the side real hard, and stepped out from behind it"...it was a nothing part of the show, but that particular action was a trigger for me.....I did not know why, but seeing that scene made my ears start ringing and I felt sick and confused.....

Last night, I was sleeping and had a disturbing dream:

I was in the bath tub, with the shower curtain drawn, I thought I was safe and he was not home...the water was really full in the tub and I was laying almost completely under the water, it was so peaceful, I could hear my heartbeat...

then the curtain was ripped back and there he was...staring at me...I thought in my little mind if I went completely under the water, he would not be able to see me...so I put my head under the water and closed my eyes.....maybe he would go away...

I felt his hand on my face, holding me under...I held my breath as long as I could, then panic set in...

water splashed on him, his clothes and that enraged him...he yanked me out of the tub and flung me to the floor....I hit my head on the toilet...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up....what a horrible dream!!!!  did this really happen????

did the TV show, trigger this event?? Now I am confused, was this just a bad dream, or did it really happen?  

Who do I need to talk too?  Sammy, Ally, 7, who?  Is it one of their memories?, 7 does not sleep so no dreaming for them, so maybe Ally or Sammy??

I complain so much about not being able to sleep, then when I do, I have these types of nightmares....fuck....

S, T

Friday, July 29, 2022

guilty

 I came so close to telling my daughter about my DID.  But I just can't do it over a text, and she never has the time to actually pick up the phone and call me....but I am aching inside to tell her, I need to tell someone in my family....

I told my cousin, Reva, about my DID, and she said she would research it, but she has not, in fact, she has flat ignored my mental condition and brushed it off....at least that is better than her getting in my face and calling me names and shit like that...so her silence and dismissal is actually better for me...I think...

Why the fuck do I feel so much guilt about my DID???  Why do I have to be the guilty one?  Does my mother lie on that fucking couch all day and feel guilt over what she did to me, what she allowed to be done to me?  Does she feel as much guilt as I do?  Does my dad feel guilt over dismissing my need to talk about my past?  

Remarkedly though, I do not feel any guilt at all for leaving Oklahoma and my life there...but what I do feel guilt over, is the "reason" I left....my mental state....I did not leave for any other reason except mentally I had to get out of there, I was dying inside, but no one forced me or caused me to leave....that was all me, and I don't feel guilt over that...

I feel guilty for having DID.  That is the long and short of it...

I do not know why I feel guilty...I have no reason to feel guilty...developing this disorder was out of my control...is that why I feel guilty?  I could not stop myself from developing alters?  Do I feel guilty for being so weak in my head that I formed other beings to take my place???

I feel guilty for having to tell people, especially my friends, I feel like I have lived a lie....and I have....and I continue to do so...I try to live the lie that I am okay...that it is just me, Sparrow.

I feel guilty for hating the fact that I have DID.  I feel guilty for hating myself...

S, Tessa, 7

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

misunderstanding

 Now that my alters are comfortable with my advocate, they talk with him, ask him stuff, tell them stuff etc...he talks with them and not always tells me what their conversation is...or was....

I found a note that 7 had written me, telling me something that the advocate said....7, I believe was mistaken, or didn't understand the answer and they took it as bad and let me know....remember my alters are their to protect me, my mind most of all...7, checks my heart...

So what 7 wrote, bothers me...because I do not want my alters to become disenchanted with my advocate.  I want them to trust him, as I do.  But at the same time, I do not want to upset 7, or for 7 to perceive that I am unhappy.  7 will sabotage a relationship if they think it is not good for me....7 is very good at hardening my heart.

What 7 told me, is confusing and frustrating for them and me.  

I am scared that 7 will "do their thing" and push my advocate away.

I believe their message to me, was a misunderstanding of what he said.

S, Tessa

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

Banner day, again

 At the risk of feeling sorry for myself, I do need to vent...yet again...

All my life, I would try things I am passionate about, things or activities I enjoyed or made me feel good about myself, made me feel accepted...

I did gymnastics for many many years, but was never really good enough to compete for real,  and I was ridiculed by better gymnasts...

I use to love to draw pictures, but was told they looked dumb or was not that good, so I stopped drawing.

I had a job, that I enjoyed, until my husband said for me to stay home, so no more job.

I volunteered at a dog park, eventually managing it, and it began to win awards and become a really nice dog park, until I was fired, because I was too much a stickler for the park rules...well that discouraged me and now I have no desire to run a dog park.

I volunteered with the homeless, running a dog kennel for the homeless alliance, until a homeless man attacked me and I attacked back, defended myself, then I was fired....now I want nothing to do with the homeless population.

I gave everything I had to my kids and my marriage,  only to decide I needed better, and the kids ridiculed me....I was branded a homewrecker and sinner....now I don't have any desire to ever be married again, and if my kids are angry, I just don't care....

I grieved for my grandson when he was dying, only to be shunned by his mother, and my kids telling me "you should not be here, you are not welcome"....

I started walking my neighborhood picking up trash and cleaning up the gutters and such, only to be verbally abused and attacked for doing "a good and positive thing"...so now, I have no desire to walk or pick up trash anymore....

I joined a Jeep Facebook group for the fun and the ducking experience, and I am constantly told my Cherokee is not a real jeep and I don't belong in the Jeep groups....so I left the groups...

It may take me a minute, but I can finally realize when I am not wanted, appreciated or accepted...fine.

I even threw myself in to being a submissive, only to be disappointed with that too....obviously I am no submissive...if I was, then my sir would be more dominate...but I am sure because of my DID, I will always be treated with kit gloves by him, not really a typical submissive but just a token submissive...

I have become public with Youtube videos about DID, only to be called a faker,  and even those videos are falling flat....too many more exciting fake DID's out there, putting on shows with their alters, cannot and will not compete with that...so, now I am thinking that the video's are a waste of time.  failed that...

I tried joining some witch facebook sights, but there is so many black witches casting negative spells on people, which flies in the face of "do no harm",  so I left those groups....

I have been verbally attacked for being Wiccan, constant attacks by christians....so tired of that...

I left submissive groups, because I was constantly being ridiculed by seasoned submissives to the point that I felt like a goddamn fool...

I truly do not belong anywhere.   I am accepted no where, maybe at first, but then I am eventually chased away....is it because I am just too fucking sensitive?  Are my feelings hurt too easily?  maybe, but that is because of the goddamn insecurity I have for myself, because of the fucking abuse as a child....I guess I need to stop using that as a crutch...

I will never overcome that....I will always second guess myself, I will always be my worst critic, and I will always be alone in my thoughts and feelings, and my alters will always control my mind...control me...I don't think they want me to be involved with any body or group or job...they have always hidden, by keeping me away from people, they are comfortable being silently controlling me...

Maybe I sabotage myself for setting myself up to be happy, when I know that will never never never be....

I am so tired of having my feet kicked out from under me over and over....I am bruised and battered and exhausted from falling down all the time...

The only thing I do well, and am accomplished in, in fact have a doctorates in is "depression"... nobody can push me into depression when I am already living there...so there is that positive note.

I do not know how to be a good friend.  I try to be, but I guess I over try...I try and do too much for people, especially people who do not appreciate it and take it for granite and still treat me like shit.

I wish I could be a "karen"....my life would be so much easier....but I hate rudeness,  I hate treating people the way I have been treated my entire life...I know how that feels....I just can't do it.

Not sure what is spiraling me down the rabbit hole...I bought a bunch of ducks, twine, notes etc..to make ducks for Jeeps...but now I wish I had never bought them...the desire for even that is gone....

I was excited to trick up my Jeep with decals and such, but, I do not drive a fucking Wrangler, so no matter how much I trick up my jeep, it will never be accepted or treated with the respect and fun as with the other jeeps, namely Wranglers...so why bother????  

I don't even want to do that anymore...I don't care, I will never be accepted no matter what event, group, or activity I engage in.  

I was born a loser, grew up a loser, and continue to be a loser....

Sigh....another banner day for Sparrow and us....

S, 7


Wednesday, July 13, 2022

gone to shit....

 I swear,  some people are just fucking dicks....I walk every fucking day picking up those shit ad papers thrown in the street...litter...yesterday a paper was on the bottom part of a driveway, so I tossed it up into the yard so it would not go into the street..(for some reason, the people around here will not pick up anything in the street)...the lady saw me toss it up into her yard and started banging on her window...I tried to explain to her why I tossed it up into her yard...she wouldn't hear of it..she cussed me out and so I walked off and flipped her the bird...

this morning, on my walk that ad paper was in the street in front of her house with a note attached "fuck you"...so I tossed it back up into her yard....fuck her.

Then a friend from high school, and a friend on facebook is in Roanoke for a mini cooper convention, she is like 5 miles from my house...so I contacted her to see if I could meet with her, like for a drink or whatever, and she gave me tons of excuses as to why I cannot see her....

She is on my Sparrowisms page...I can't help but think, she just flat does not want to have anything to do with me...but I bet if it was anybody else from high school here she would make an effort to see them....

So I took her out of the group...and unfollowed her on facebook....I don't need this shit...

Then I checked my bank account and I have a fucking grand total of 76.00 to my fucking name...and payday is not for 9 days...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

So today is already gone to shit and it is not even 8:00 am....fuck

S, 7

Sunday, July 10, 2022

PTSD attack

 I keep having this horrible dream, a nightmare...it is about a trauma I experienced as a small child.  It is trauma that I have already worked through...I thought.

When I was a small girl in TX, before age 9 (but I don't know my age at the time) I was walking to the park to play on the swings (by a local cemetary) and I heard a dog, the dog was screaming in pain and agony...It scared me so much, I wanted to save that dog...so I ran to where I heard the screams, and saw a man with his dog...the cockeyed man had hung the dog up by his neck and was beating him...killing him...I stood and watched him beat that dog...I could do nothing...nothing...to save that dog....it was a horrible wrenching thing to witness...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, I was writing that memory above, and had a really bad Panic Attack, a PTSD attack....

some memories are so horrific...this memory was Ally's, a little girl, a little girl who witnessed so much animal abuse, very traumatizing for a small child...

During the attack, in my head, in Ally's mind, this abuse is happening NOW!  It is real and in red....and horrific....

the attack fucked up my entire day...it leaves me exhausted and depressed.  My advocate had to come from work, to take care of Ally...to comfort her and reassure her everything is okay, that the horrible man is dead....

Having DID is the hardest thing to understand, and wrap my head around...I can imagine how hard it is for "singlets" to understand.

But DID is real...


S, Tessa

Thursday, July 7, 2022

explaining

 So, I have so much on my mind...I feel like my brain is going to explode..

My advocate has told me that sometime this year, I need to tell my family about my DID...

How do I do that?  They all think the brain injury and tumors are the cause of me leaving...it is not that at all...I am realizing that now...but how do I get them to believe me?

Am I ready?  will I ever be ready?  

How do you explain to a bunch of christians, DID?  I am scared shitless of what my kids will think?  Will they still love me?  Will they let me see my grandkids or will they be afraid of me?  So much of Hollywood vilifies DID ie."Split"...my kids will see those movies and think I am a monster too....

What about my mother?  She is an old woman,  do I want to hurt her?  She hurt me my entire life, but she is my mom, I do not want to hurt her, and yet I do not want her to deny me, she made me....she birthed me and was responsible for my childhood...she is responsible for my DID...how do I tell her that?  fuck,  I still want to protect her and my family...

why do I have to tell them at all???  It will shatter our already "iffy" relationship...I know that John will deny it, and if he does, so will the kids and other family members...

why can't I just hide in my little treehouse, and be a wallflower...

I am a coward.  I was a coward as a small child, hense the DID...and I am a coward as an adult...Of course I worry about what they will think of me...how could I not???  they are my blood...I love and care about them, even my mom...

I have hidden the DID my entire life....no one will believe me...NO ONE.  fuck, I don't even believe it half the time...am I faking?  I have to be faking.....but I am not....I am fucked up in the head...I just need to keep the DID hidden..

Just me leaving John, hurt my kids so much, they said awful things to me and judged me without my side of the story...

so how the fuck will they accept the DID....which is the major reason I left...I know that now...I was not safe in Oklahoma, because my mom is still alive...I was dying there....how do I explain that???

How do I explain anything?


S, Tessa

Sunday, July 3, 2022

A Fissure

Look in the mirror...

who do you see...

looking back at me...

I see a girl,

whose hair is a curl...

I see a dancer,

a quiet, little prancer...

I see a girl, I see a boy,

I see an image,

I want to destroy...

I see many faces...

in many stages

with many ages....

So what do I see,

when I look in the mirror?

I see me...a failure...

A fissure...

in the mirror....

cracked, broken,

trapped and token,

a small scattered piece,

of a soul, that won't cease....

 

Sammy


mirror truth

 When I was young, a teenager, a young adult 20-40"s, I was beautiful and vibrant and sexy...but then, I took it for granite. I had no problems getting boyfriends, all guys wanted to fuck me, all guys want to fuck a pretty girl. I did horrible things to my body, abused it in every possible way, I had total disregard for my looks, health, whatever...certainly never thought of a future as an old crone...I was miserable with my life, unhappy, confused and frustrated...

Now as an old crone, 60...I am happy, and understand my confusion and frustration now...it is the alters...I get it....I am learning to live with them in my head, to cater to their likes, needs and desires as well as my own.  

I made a huge change in my life, and met a guy that makes me happy and I love to be around...and when I am with him, I feel like a giddy teenager, alive, sexy vibrant...then I look in the fucking mirror and see I am not sexy or vibrant, I am old and wrinkled and used up.....

The mirror reminds me that I am an old woman...all of my alters except for Tessa are younger than me...so it is normal for me to feel like I am way younger than I really am...to act like I am way younger than I really am...even to dress like it...

But then mirrors remind me of who I really am...In my head, I am young and very sexually aroused with my partner, I want sex all the time or at least 3 times a week!!!  what a fucking crock....old people do not have sex 3 times a week, old people do not even have sex once a week....My partner is old, like me....he does not have the sex drive that I do, because he is a singlet.....he is not persuaded by other people in his head.

It is so fucking hard for me to be with him and not WANT him...most nights I go to bed so fucking sexually frustrated...I give him hints all day long, and by evening, it is too late, something comes up or whatever....I even asked him what he likes and he said "public sex", so I have been taking baby steps to be more "public" with my body, and still nothing....I don't understand how he can be around me day in and day out, and not want me......

Then it hits me!  ITS THE DID....THE GIRLS....ITS THE MANIC SPARROW...its the immature little girl that is hot for him....He is a grown ass man...older man...sex is not important to him.  What is important to him, is taking care of me.  But he takes care of me more like a daddy or husband, not a lover.

Sigh....I have to remember that I am a 60 year old aging sagging woman, not sexually desirable at all...

My head tells me one thing, then the mirror tells me the truth.....

S

the Tent

 You know, as much as I complain about being lonely and isolated,  I enjoy my solitude so much.  I enjoy being able to get away to my own sp...