no difference

 I feel so helpless...I am down to 100 pounds, there is blood in my stool, my stomach is so fucked up, I am sure my ulcers are having a fucking party....

and I still have 2 goddamn weeks to sit and stew and pretend to be okay.

It is killing me, everyday, I am dying a little more...

I feel like I am on death row, and just waiting for my number to come up...

Try to be positive

Look at the glass half full

don't think about it

get over it

there is nothing you can do, so just chill

don't worry

OMG I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ALL THOSE CLICHES...  

YOU FUCKING SIT THERE AND GET OVER THE DISTINCT POSSIBILITY THAT YOU MAY HAVE BREAST CANCER...YOU JUST FUCKING SIT THERE AND REMEMBER THE HORROR OF BRAIN TUMORS, THE HORROR OF NOT KNOWING...THE FUCKING NIGHTMARE OF A MEDICAL ORDEAL....AND STILL HAVING BRAIN TUMORS, NOT ONE BUT NOW MORE THAN 10...

I AM SCARED TO DEATH...I CAN'T EAT, I CAN BARELY SLEEP, I CAN'T EVEN DO ANY SELF CARE...I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED.  I FEEL SO DIRTY FILTHY AND DISEASED....

AND MOST OF ALL, I AM SO STUPID...THINKING EATING HEALTHY FOOD, EXERCISE, NOT SMOKING OR DRINKING, NO SWEETS OR JUNK FOOD, HEALTHY LIVING WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE....

WHAT A STUPID ASS WAY TO THINK AND LIVE...FUCK TRYING TO BE HEALTHY,  ITS A WASTE OF TIME, MONEY AND EFFORT.

S, Sophee