Jeep

 So I have been trying to not "think" about the upcoming tumor biopsy...I am trying to focus on positive fun things...

My jeep, I am diving into "tricking" it up, with more decals, and all kinds of cool stuff, I love going to Jeep Shows and the Cherokees are not that popular at the shows, I think, because it is more considered an "old persons jeep", not a young buck driving an obscenely "circus" jeep...

I want other Jeepsters to see the Cherokee in a new light!!!

In fact, the Cherokees are much more unique and way more powerfully built and better built than the Wranglers and other more blocky types of Jeeps...Cherokees are TOP OF THE LINE...

Mine has comfort, and style, but it is also Trailrated and powerful as hell...So, Kevin and I are gonna just show those snotty nosed "Wrangler- is- the- only -jeep" thats a real jeep their ignorance........shit..haha

But saying all this, yes I am excited to trick my jeep out more, but at the same time "why?"

Why look to the future and try and do something fun, something that has a future (like jeep shows etc...) only to be told in 3 weeks I have cancer......

Whats the point of trying to be positive now???  Am I counting my chickens before they are hatched??

Should I put my life on "hold" until I know one way or another??

Every time I put myself out there, try and have a future, I am slammed against and wall and trampled under foot...whether by family, strangers, circumstances or health...

I have a REAL FEAR OF HAPPINESS...every fucking time I feel happy, confident, content, I am reminded of how stupid feeling that way really is....I am fucked over again, and again and again...

How many times do I have to keep standing up and fight?  Until I am dead?  Then what kind of life is that, fighting to die.?

So I am trying to not let the doom of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" scare me...

I feel like I am battling happiness because I know that Happiness is not in my vocabulary...I am battling an emotion that is so fucking foreign to me....

So, all that to say...what the fuck...

S, Tessa