crash dummy

 So in 2008, I was having chronic headaches...I finally after many tests and experimental drugs was given a CAT scan.  Three weeks later, I found out I had a brain tumor in my frontal lobe.

Ok, but my doctor said it appears to be "only a meningeoma" harmless, but to be safe, I am going to send you to a brain surgeon.

So off I go, thinking, I will be fine, it is nothing....the brain surgeon tells me the tumor is actually attached to the Sattual Sinus artery or vein that takes oxygen to and from the brain.  Hmmmmm, he told me, I was risking a stroke if I did nothing....

I could not have surgery because of the placement of the tumor, I could either stroke out or bleed out....great.

Enter a NEW procedure Stereotactic Radiation Surgery...gamma rays.

So the next 2 months was more testing, having a face mask made, then having 14 beams of radiation shot into the tumor to kill it.   

Only after, all the doctors came out and told me and my family, well we think it was a success.....but....there was a leakage of one of the cones and 30% radiation hit unintended areas.  But you should be fine...then they patted me on the ass and sent me on my way....

for the first 4 years all seemed well...the tumor seemed to be dead, then the 5th year MRI showed more tumors......then the 6th year more until 2016 when I had my last MRI with 10+ tumors...all now crowding my frontal lobes of my brain....I have no fucking ideal how many tumors I have now....it does no good to check, I cannot have surgery and I cannot have radiation surgery either....one time only on the brain.

So, my one time, fucked me over....I remember every minute of every fucking day of that nightmare....it destroyed me, my marriage, my relationships...it changed me....

I had my yearly mammogram.  Found a tumor, 2, in fact...so sent me for an ultrasound, just to be safe, I am sure its nothing....so they say....they did 3 ultrasounds with the doctor herself doing the 3 one.  Guess what??? they found a third tumor, one that is not smooth like the others....so now, in 3 fucking weeks I have to have a biopsy.....

It is the same fucking nightmare all over again, only this time in my chest and not my head.....but its all the same.

The doctor told me that people with brain meningeomas have a greater risk of developing more tumors through out the body....GREAT, FUCKING GREAT

So, this is where I am at....should I even do the biopsy?  I do not do brain MRIs anymore....I weigh as of this morning 102 pounds...chemotherapy would kill me....I am too small...I have spent the last fucking 4 years trying to grow my hair out, only to have it fall out from chemo?????????  Maybe that is vanity, but I have never had a nice head of hair until now, I have never felt more beautiful until now,  and NOW it is all for not.   I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL, I AM WORTHLESS.  I already suffer so badly from nausea because my stomach is fucked (from more fucked surgeries), this whole thing is a clusterfuck, and I will not survive.

I promise you this, IF I have the biopsy, and IF it comes back positive for cancer...I will be taking a long trip to nowhere and never coming back.  I will not die sick, bald and suffering...I will die on my own goddamn fucking terms.  I will not suffer and be fucking miserable, especially not to my advocate.  The greatest gift I can give him, is to just go away if the news is bad.  And that is exactly, what I will do.  So,  I am going to go over my will again, modify some of it, so when I do leave, at least I will have done something right and got my orders checked.   

I will not talk to anyone about this.  The only person I will tell is my daughter if the biopsy comes back cancer...and then I can only hope she can forgive me for passing down to her the most horrible cancer out there....

To everyone else, I will just simply disappear.  I will not listen to "I will pray for you" "everything will be fine" "be strong, you are healthy" "its gods will" "you are overreacting" "stop thinking about it" blah blah blah its my fucking fucked up pathetic body and I can feel and think anyway I feel....if people don't like that, or are put off by it....well then, FUCK THEM TOO.

MY ENTIRE LIFE, FROM THE MOMENT I WAS CONCEIVED HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT A FUCKING GODDAMN NIGHTMARE....THEN WHEN I THINK I AM FINALLY CATCHING A BREAK, I CAN FINALLY BE HAPPY AND BE ME....I AM SLAMMED AGAINST THE BRICK WALL AGAIN....I AM NOT MEANT TO BE HAPPY...I AM NOTHING MORE THAN A LIFE CRASH DUMMY....

S, Sophee